Bringing over some important stuff from my previous thread:
The following is just cut and paste notes from various posts that I want to take from in creating a third draft -- one that is MUCH MUCH shorter and to the point. ________________________________________________________________
W, I am not ready to follow through with the D next week and I am sorry I started it in the first place. How would you feel about postponing it for now?
I've been working really hard on myself and making changes that I know needed to be made so I can be a better person. Going through what we've gone through over the last 8 months has been incredibly hard, and I hated the way it all happened, but I'm thankful for what it has shown and taught me about myself and who I want to be. It was also good because we lost what was an unhealthy R, and that definitely needed to happen for the both of us.
I want to apologize for filing for D in the first place. It was an attempt to regain some control, and not what I actually wanted. However, what I should've done was show empathy and concern for you instead of trying to take that control.
I took both you and our M for granted, and forced us to live a lifestyle that I thought was "right," yet neither of us truly wanted.
I'm sorry for sending a request to unfile for D between our atty's, rather than just talk to you about it. It didn't come across as sincere and was definitely in poor taste.
W, I really do understand why you needed to do this and it's okay you know, and I am okay with it.
I'm working on my issues and will continue to do what I need to do to improve myself so that everyone benefits. But especially, I feel this is something I need to do for me.
I am sorry I did not treat you better in our M. I can see how my actions hurt you deeply. You deserved much better. I am sorry for pushing the D, and would like to file for legal separation instead of D, or drop either option for now. Are you open to either of those possibilities?
I'm sorry for how badly I hurt you in our M. I care so much about you -- enough to let you go if that's what it comes to. However, I don't want to go forward with the D at this time. Are you opposed to the idea of postponing it or going through a legal separation for now?
I don't need or expect an answer right now -- I just want to put the idea on the table.
Okay, posting some notes from DB coach Vernetta for what an LBS can do during an 11th hour talk with his/her WAS about postponing or recinding a D:
1. It doesn't hurt to apologize for some of the major mistakes or choices you made that hurt your WAS or helped cause the breakdown of the M. If you frame it right, it will likely benefit you. It won't necessarily cement in their minds the reasons for why they were right to walk away. In fact, if you've shown them constistent change for a decent period of time, they will recognize that you aren't that same person you are referring to anymore. The frame she said you can put it in is this:
"W/H, I've learned a lot of lessons over the course of the last X months. Looking back on our M, if I could do it all again, here is what I would do...".
Framing it in this way allows them to see what a new/future R/M with you might look like.
2. Make sure you have a buy-in for the WAS as to why they should postpone/recind the D. Ex: I tell W that I'm not ready for the D right now and would like to postpone it for now. W responds with, "Why? How would doing so benefit me?" -- what can you say at this point that will give her good cause to consider your request (what will make her really think it is a good idea)? What would be a good reason for her -- something finanical, something about the kids/family, something about health, something about you, etc? What is one important issue you can use to convince her that postponing/recinding the D is a good idea? That is what the heart of your talk stems from.
3. After creating a dialogue with the WAS about this, maybe say to them, "If there is any part of you that has any doubt about this D, can you let that part of you talk about it now?" Then just listen and validate.
4. Consider giving your WAS a letter that acknowledges and apologizes for XYZ, and explains what've you've learned through all of this. However, give it to them and then ask them to read it in front of you, so you can gauge reactions. You might get angry, sad, or both (or other). They may even stop and refer to something in the letter that makes them mad, which gives you an opportunity to say something like, "Wow. Can you tell me a little more about that?" or "I can understand how you would feel that way," etc. It opens more doors for dialogue on the important issues.
