You said that one of your parents would be up while the other was down, and this worked for them.
I don't think I described this well enough. The point was NOT that my mom lifted my dad back up or vice versa. The point was that just because my dad got down about the possibility of losing the farm, my mom did not feel down. Her "up mood" did NOT lower because of my dad's mood. To me, if they were "fused", her mood would have changed because of his mood. Instead their moods were not dependent on each other but on their own personalities and circumstances.
This also plays itself out in terms of self esteem. I used to compliment my wife's appearance all of the time, but she was constantly putting herself down. I started responding to her self put downs with compliments, but after a while, I got tired of trying to prop her up.
So you were paying her compliments with the expectation that you could "make" her feel better about herself?
It didn't work, so why bother.
Well one reason to "bother" might be because you find her attractive, think she looks nice, think her new dress flatters her figure, etc. and want to let her know. Her insecurities are her problem.
(One of my good friends is trying to get better about accepting compliments. She actually has a pretty good self image but for some reason never learned how to just accept a compliment. When we were first becoming good friends I might say something like "Your hair looks great today" and her reply would be "REally because I haven't washed it for 2 days and I think it looks horrible." I would just look at her and say "Hmmm. Ever hear of the phrase Thank you??" She would laugh and say "I don't know why but it is REALLY hard to do that!!"
My attempts to prop her up have led me to lose respect for her.
Why? Seriously because I don't follow your logic.
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
