Thanks for filling us in on your wife’s background. I‘ve been waiting to hear this for a long time and have suspected something like this in her past. First I want to say that you should stop beating yourself up over why your wife is distant from you. Sure, you have things to work on, but her problems run deep. Also, don’t be so hard on your wife either. Try to envision yourself growing up in her shoes. That sort of childhood was a living hell. I know others have had it worse, but hers is not a pretty picture.
If she was forced into the adult role and felt like she was tasked with getting the family through from one day to the next, just imagine how overwhelming that can be to a kid. An adult can simply throw in the towel and run, which is what some MLCers are doing, IMO. But a child does not have that option. Your wife was trapped with now way out and very few ways to set things right. Seriously, imagine how overwhelming and depressing that can be! So what is the only thing a kid can do? Withdraw, go into a shell, try to find a safe zone mentally. If your suspicions are true that she may have been sexually assaulted, that doesn’t her present day reactions to intimacy make a whole lot of sense?
She is not rejecting you per se. She is just living life the only way she has ever known. My very strong advice to you is to find a way, whatever you decide that may be, to get her into counseling and work through these issues that are holding back your marriage. It makes sense now why she is resistant to counseling. In fact I believe that EVERYONE who resists counseling so strongly has the same magnitude of FOO issues they would rather avoid.
CeMar, this has nothing to do with you, your appeal to her, or her level of sex drive. What she needs is loads of compassion and understanding from you, to create such a secure environment for her that she feels safe enough to come out of her defensive system and learn to feel emotion again. Your situation is VERY similar to my wife’s. Pushing only for more sex and intimacy will just feel like she is reliving the assaults she had to endure in her past. It is no wonder you have not advanced any at all. She will only strengthen her defenses, so the harder you push the worse your situation becomes.
