My little glimmer of hope just fizzled out

[kaydeekay]

Last thread:

I feel I had enough

Kinda down and need to vent:

For the past 2 months H and I were having s*x once a week. In the beginning I could put my feelings aside and see it just for what it was, s*x. After about a month and a half of this I started feeling like he was only interested in me for s*x. I also startd to have feelings for him again. I then, tried to look at it "maybe we are reconnecting on some level." But I couldn't fool myself because he would only call me for s*x.

Two weeks ago I get a phone call from H wanting to meet me at the house. Since I felt I was being used, I gave a lame excuse and told him I had to run errands after work. H said he was almost to my house and could I please meet him. Well I met him and I was just going through the motions. H noticed and asked what was wrong and I told him "nothing." H said we didn't have to have s*x but I told him it was okay. Afterwards he leaves and calls me and tells me that he would never, never ask me to do that again. I thanked him and we hung up. I text him telling him I was happy he understood about not having s*x again, that maybe we need to move on and get the divorce done with. Didn't get a response.

Last Friday, I had to call for child support. He said instead of him dropping it off (which he normally did) it would be better if I picked it up from him at his job. H mentioned that he would file in December. All I could say was ok. H was very nice to me when I met him.

Monday, H calls me and is being way too nice. He starts off with questions about D13.
H: Why are you nice to me?
M: I'm always nice.
H: You used to be bad.
M: Well, people tell me I'm nice.
H: Did your mom tell you I saw her the other day?
M: Yes, she said you looked good.
H: I talked to her for 5-10 minutes. Your dad looks good.
H: I don't want to say good-bye but I guess I have to.
M: You know you don't have to.
H: We used to be good friends. We started out as friends and it became more than that.
M: Yeah we did.
H: I used to watch you walk across the room when we worked at Company X.
M: You did?
H: Yes. You were everything to me. I was just thinking about the beginning days.
M: Oh really?
H: Do you miss boom-boom (s*x of course).
M: Well, I really can't do anything about that right now.
H: Time of the month?
M: Yes.
H: You was so beautiful.
M: Oh, I'm not anymore?
H: You still are beautiful.

We said our good-byes. Tuesday, H calls me in the morning and after he got off work. Just calling to see if I deposited the child support check because it hadn't cleared yet. Then he calls me to let me know it cleared. Another call to ask me where I learned to perform a certain oral technique. I laughed and told him from a magazine. He asked if I would like to do that again. I said I'm willing to but you have to look at my clothes dryer....silence. H said well I could tomorrow after work 'cause I just got cleaned up. I told him to don't worry about it and that he didn't need to come by at all. H backed tracked and said he would be there to look at it.

H shows up. I explained to him a male friend Jeff was supposed to be helping me with it but he got busy. H looks at the dryer but couldn't fix it. H walks out the door, comes back in and asked about the oral thing. I told him I could do it. He then turns around and tells me that I didn't have to. I did anyway. During the deed H asks me if I was going to start seeing Jeff. I quickly told him no and that he was married.

H leaves and calls me. Again, he said he would never, never, never ask me to do that again. I just came out and asked him if he ever thought about us getting back together. H said we have been apart far too long, he still remembers the bad marriage, I scarred him, I made him feel he had no self-esteem, and he didn't think I had changed. He was focusing on all the negative. I explained to H that maybe we could start with a clean slate. He said the bad marriage haunts him. H then went on to say that he had been seeing someone. He began to have feelings for her and got scared. H didn't want to get into another relationship (the day to day life of living with someone). He broke it off with her. H said that they have begun talking again and he wants to give her 120% and see if he can more or less make a commitment. And to top it off, H didn't want to f*ck around on her (cheating with me). H then had a fear that I would somehow sabotage it. I don't even know who he is seeing.

I called H later and got VM. I told him I had a petition already to go, we just have to file it. Left him TM to let me know ASAP if he wants to file it now and not in December. I then left a nasty TM: "Im done w/U. I tried, I waited for U. I had even forgiven U. U never loved me all along. If U did U would have tried instead of f*cking me. Lose my number." I know awful. H never responded to anything.

This morning I left him a TM: "Sorry for the rude txt. I was hurt and wanted one last chance at us. U would've seen a complete 180 in me. Best of luck, hope U find the love of your life. Luv you.

The way I feel right now is the feeling I had when all of this began nearly 3 years ago. I don't know if H needed some sort of closure when he was telling me all of those things on Monday or what. My gut instinct is telling me he is never coming back. I was thinking all along he was in MLC and that one day maybe he would snap out of it. I guess I was wrong, he just needed to wean me out slowly.

Sorry for the long post. I feel a tiny bit better getting it off my chest.

[Grace_O]

My gut instinct is telling me he is never coming back.

So how are your instincts these days? I know mine are shot. I'll get them back eventually, it'll just take some time.
Why do you think this isn't mlc? Perhaps his "weaning" was confusion. I don't know. Remember that hope is always available to you, even if it's hope for a future without him.

Take care.

[kaydeekay]

Thanks Grace:

My instinct right now is telling me that H will not return. H has dated other women since he first left in October 2004. And from what he has told me is that he is trying to find someone that was like me.

I also feel that H has told so many people about our sitch on how bad it was that how could he possibly return to a bad M and to a mean W? Even though he never admitted H always wanted to know what people thought of him. He always wanted to be liked.

Yes, hope is always available to me and thank you for reminding me. I sometimes forget that when I get into one of my low moods.

[thegoodfight]

I don't know the whole story, but why not try asking him to dinner or over for a movie. Sounds like you don't want the relationship to end and it sounds like he wants you but is afraid to overtly admit it. Just a thought sorry if this has been tried already.

regards

[kaydeekay]

Thanks for the advice. I've mentioned it a couple of times but only in passing and nothing transpired. We did have lunch a few times about 7-8 months ago and that was nice.

H now knows how I feel about him. So the ball is in his court so to speak. I can only imagine what he is struggling with, if anything. I see that me being nice to H has him thinking "why is she so nice to me after all I've put her through. Maybe she's moved on." Or, if I'm detached he feels I'm ignoring him. If he's made me mad at him, then I'm the b*tch that I always had been. Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

Last night, D13 told me H called her. H is wanting to take her to get school supplies. Real shocker since H has not spent one day with her since he last left 9 months ago. I've noticed he has been calling her more lately, which is good. If things don't work out with H and I, my only wish is that he maintains a close R with D13. H stopped his R with his S18 when he was 5 years old. His (lame) excuse was that he didn't want to have to deal with his XW. When his son was 12 H attempted to start the R again, but H couldn't follow through with that. I feel sorry for S18 who wants to have an R with H.

[kaydeekay]

Well I decided that I can no longer live like this. It's been nearly 3 years and nothing has really changed. So I sent H a text asking him if he had the money for the filing fee.

His reply: "Why all of a sudden r u ready no I do not have that money are you trying to make things hard on me I planed after xmas then I promise I will get it done remember I would go broke so u could have heat and air and also the last 2 xmas so have some consideration I have not even looked at the paper yet give me some time"

Why is he trying to sound like a saint? My furnance went out 2 years ago and it was going to cost me $500. My family paid $400 and H only paid $100. And this was during a time when he wasn't giving me any money at all. I paid my family back too. I admit he did give me a huge portion of his check for xmas 2 years ago but not this past xmas.

If he so wants to start a "new life" with OW #? and wanting to give the R 120% why don't he just get it done and over with. I really doubt that he's trying to stall ending our M. I guess I will have to be the one that comes up with money.

[Rollercoasterider]

Kaydeekay,

You are cycling it seems. Step back and count to ten...or perhaps 10 000.

What is it in your insticts that tell you he's not coming back...yes, some have returned by the three year mark...not all. And yours seems to be shoing progress.

It is such a common fear that he won't return to save face. And yet they return. He's out there looking for a woman like you...CLUE!

File if it is what YOU want. But it doesn't seem to be.
He's moving forward. Patience. It gets harder now...they waiver a lot at the beginning, less through the main portion, and then a lot again at the end.

He doesn't want a divorce. If he wanted one...he'd have done it a few years ago. If he wanted one he wouldn't have come home 10X--and I thought Sweetheart's six in/outs was a lot!

But put your expectations somewhere else. The moer expectant and hopeful he feels you are...the more scared he will be, thus he will run, and thus the longer it may take.

I know tis is hard. But you are in reaction mode right now...careful, reaction is often a mode of regrets.

HUGS,
RCR

[JMC]

Kaydeekay - thanks for the post as I am in a similar state today (feeling like giving up and throwing in the towel). However, my separation has only been 5+ months, but I know she sees some guy who has a serious girlfriend (I know this from snooping, which I have not done in three days and hope to never do again) and is interested in a guy she met recently. Seeing that you have stood in there for three years has lifted me up! Roller -thanks for the response, it has given me hope. I have decided to let her go through the process of filing. To this point she has made no mention of doing so.

[thegoodfight]

I don't think think anyone who waits three years can be called a quiter. If it makes you feel better to give up and file then do it. If you would rather let him finish what he started I would wait. Not sure what changes once you file other than paperwork.

In my case I have resolved to allow her to be the one to file unless the checking account starts to get drained unexpectly. Otherwise I do not want the divorce, she might want it, whichever the case I won't file it is up to her to show she doesn't want to be married anymore.

[kaydeekay]

It gets harder now...they waiver a lot at the beginning, less through the main portion, and then a lot again at the end.

Thanks RCR.
I was not aware of the waivering again towards he end. I totally agree with that I am cycling. In my head I kept giving myself deadlines when I expected H to be through with this. Obviously this does not work at all for me.

What is it in your insticts that tell you he's not coming back...

Just by the tone in his voice when he told me that since we've been apart far too long he didn't see us working out.

But I agree with all of you, RCR, JMC, and TGF. I will let H do all the leg work if he wants to file a D.