Lt, we can not change the past. It is history. We can't pretend it didn't happen because if we do we have not learned from it and are bound to repeat it. I know it's been said over and over but here it is agian. we need to take care of ourselves. If you want your wife to see the "new you" You do need to detach. I have a hard time with this also but what happens is sometimes we LET outside forces control our inner feelings which makes us react. Like I said this ain't easy. an example would be if you walked in on your wife and she is text messaging.(the outside force)you could "LET" it make you mad(inner feeling) and slam the door and walk away(reaction). this reaction shows that you have not changed. It also plays on your mind and you feel like sh@t the rest of the day. This is as far as I have gotten in my book. I see how we let the outside force control us. I am starting to learn how I can change / control my inner feelings so stay tuned and hang in there
Husband
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
That's a tough one. What if the kids ask, you give out information in small bits.
Let's assume she's going to Cleveland
"Where is mom going?" To Cleveland
"Why". She taking a trip. Sort of a mini vacation for herself. Ask her about the details.
That's the truth. It's not the WHOLE truth, but it's true. It will probably end there.
Here are some other questions.
"Is she going to see someone?" Yes.
"Who". A friend of hers. Maybe you should ask mom.
If your wife wants to lie to her children, she's welcome to.
They are not stupid.
Yes...it's easy to lose respect for her at this time. Perhaps this will help you to detach. Remember, she's in a romantic fog that is very powerful. It's like a spell. Her conscience is suppressed or non-existent at the moment.
Yes you love her.
Your past affairs should be several things for you:
1. A source for understanding/compassion. What were you thinking at the time? Maybe she's thinking the same things.
2. A source of humility. You can't be self-righteous here.
3. A source of hope. You changed didn't you? She can change, too.
Here's what the affair should not be for you.
1. A source of guilt. If you still struggle with it, then go see minister or priest and offer your confession. Listen to the words of absolution as though God were speaking them to you. Let it sink in.
2. A source of shame that prevents you from reaching out to others for help. We are all messed up. What determines our character is out willingness to admit fault and make changes. You've done that.
You have plenty of opportunity to show her the new/improved you. Do it every day. It's what you do, not what you say.
Husband, Here is how I see it, I feel like she is more gal than me. She seems happy, not talking to me, but otherwise. I guess talking to me she is civil. This morning I went in our room to get some clothes. She was already downstairs doing daycare. I saw her clothes stacked on her dresser and noticed a new swimsuit, my heart dropped. Guess I shouldnt have looked.
I went downstairs to shower, she was in living room reading Harry Potter. I walked the other way and had breakfast. I feel like I should have said morning to her.
She did walk into the bathroom behind me as I was typing and asked if I had anything planned today. I asked her if she liked H.P. She said yes, and elaborated that a morning show almost runed it for her. She asked me how work went last night and asked howcome I stayed so late. I told her I felt like we need the money. I didnt have to stay as late as I did last night.
Tell me what you think of this. I do tell her that she looks nice or hot on occasion. I usually get a smile and thank you. "Theo's bad boy theroy" I was thinking of going a step further and giving her a slap on the ass when the time is right. Do you thing this is a bad idea?
Theo, I do compare what I have done to what she is doing and I know EXACTLY how messed up you get. Its not pretty. There is no reality. I do have some hope knowing that I have changed and maybe she will do the same.
How should I act when I walk in on her talking to om on phone? Say excuse me? Say nothing? Or pretend she isn't on the phone and start talking to her?
I do appreciate evryone on this sight. good and bad. I print out suggestions, questions, and inspirational things (on my thread and others) to read at a later time. I have never talked on a board before this.
LS: First, if you recall, my wife just went on a trip to see OM. So I feel for ya brother. I was able to keep my head up by thinking of the responsibility I had to take care of my kids. I didn't dwell on what she was doing or who she was with. Did I think about it? Oh, yes, I wasn't able to hide from those thoughts. But my advice to you is that as soon as you start thinking like this, go do something with one of your kids. Or if you are working, go do something different in a different part of the building. Just MOVE away from what you were doing.
And when she returns, YOU MUST SHOW PMA!! Do NOT be passive aggressive. No grunting, slamming drawers, etc. Act as-if. It will be difficult, but I know you can do it. Don't ask about the trip, and don't be hostile. I don't know you, but passive-aggressive/hostility is probably what she expects (I know my wife expected it from me).
Regarding telling her she is hot, my DB Coach advocates what she calls "drive-by flirting." Say something like, "nice legs... smooth" and walk away.... leave her wanting more. A slap on the ass is OK, just don't hang around after you do it... leave. She WILL want more... but you will be gone (let me say that, in my situation, we are not there yet. She has so tightly shut the door to me that I believe that any flirting I do would not register. It is, however, something I plan to do later. So make sure that the time is right for you to use this tactic).
Finally don't make the mistake of reading into anything she says or does. For example, I got a friendly call from my wife last night that, I later learned, turned out to be made at the request of OM.
Bottom line: Keep your chin up and hang in there. Do not quit! This is war. Both our wives and their OM's are working against us. Fortunately for us, we have a army here at db.com working WITH us. We will be victorious.
Try and have an agreement that when she knows you are in the house, she should call the OM from her bedroom. She shouldn't flaunt it. Treat it like what it is: something sordid that should be hidden.
Frankly I don't see why you left YOUR bedroom because she is having an affair (this is an aside).
If she's talking to him in front of you. You can say, "Excuse me, would you mind taking that in your room, as per our agreement?"
Or you would just go somewhere else.
Or..you could just stand there and listen. She'll get uncomfortable and leave.
Just walked in on my wife, as she was talking to OM (she didn't expect me home until later)... I disregarded the fact she was on her cell, and started talking to her... Said what I had to say and walked away.
In hindsight, I should have stayed...if nothing else, to make HER uncomfortable...
