Thanks Hope...You are in good shape. Horse lover or not you will find someone that will support your interests.
Journaling: I had a brief conversation with my W yesterday about my parenting plan and thoughts about asset division and CS. I think we are in agreement when it comes custody, though we differ on how our assets should be divided. She feels that her checking account is hers(I cannot touch it) and everything else is ours(50/50). She is also trying to guilt me into paying off her car because I spent money on mine and I payed for my L out of our money. Using her logic our money is not hers, that money came from my work not hers. She tried to throw back at me that I guess a judge will have to decide then, to which I answered that I have no issues with that(Funny she actually used my line on me, I am the one that keeps saying that we will just have to let the judge and L's decide then). If this is what she wants it will cost her more and prolong this a bit. Although I am not sure if I want to prolong this anymore, I am now at the point that I want her out on her own. I do not want have to walk around her anymore at home.
I really am starting to wonder if I should be giving her my thoughts on all of the money/asset stuff. I thought we would come to some kind of agreement and then tell our L's. But that doesn't look to be happening now. I just hope I am not shooting myself in the foot by doing this.
When you hired your lawyer, you told her you wanted to slow this thing down. If you are now ready for it to proceed, you need to tell her that.
It's a common problem in households with a major and minor breadwinner--the lesser earner always thinks the 2nd paycheck is theirs alone, but the primary paycheck is 50/50. Where is the logic in that??
As for the cars, offer to sell both of them, pay off both loans from the proceeds, and split the remainder. She won't want to do that. So instead, you subtract the loans from the blue-book price. If you have more equity in your car than she has in hers, split the difference.
As for her checking account, would you be willing to give her half of your balance (as of separation or filing date) in exchange for half of her balance?? If she's been stockpiling money since then, that's because you didn't require her to pay enough of the family expenses--let it go.
Regardless, I think it is time for you to give your proposal (and hers) to your lawyers and let them settle it.
Mike you are right I need to let my lawyer know to get this D going. You are also right about my W's perspective about our money, it really is BS. I think that I have been fair when it comes to dividing everything up, I am just saying 50/50. I also have to wait and see about how much I will have to pay in CS.
I know life is not fair, but why do the courts pat my W on the back and say well done tearing apart your family and here is a nice parting gift? It stinks for me to think about how much her life will not change by dumping me and how much mine is changing losing my family.
When my mother took us and left my father in 1971, she had to get the landlord to "evict" us so that she could not be accused of abandonment. This despite the fact that he stayed openly with his mistress for at least a year after being confronted about the affair.
My parents divorced in 1974. It took my mother 3 years to get it. She was awarded $1 per year in alimony and no child support because my father was out of work. Any assets were long gone.
My point is, the divorce laws used to be stacked very far in favor of the man. Now things are more equal, based on the "no fault" principle. As your wife, she "owned" half of all the marital property. That is what the court will try to give her.
It is not a reward, and it is not a punishment. It is the dissolution of a financial partnership that coincided with the marriage.
I do not disagree with you on that Mike. My frustration is in the fact that I will not be seeing my girls on a daily basis and because of this I have to pay my W. I do understand the money is supposed to be for my girls, but, I do not think I should have to pay anybody lump sums of money on a regular basis for keeping my girls away from me(again life is not fair - I know). She had the A, she filed for the D.... this is why I say she gets a pat on the back for destroying our family.
She had the A, she filed for the D.... this is why I say she gets a pat on the back for destroying our family.
I understand the frustration...our WAS aren't seeing any repercussions of choosing to break our marital vows. I guess that is where we have to put it all in the higher power that things will work out. We did right...we tried...we forgave...we put everyone else first. The court system is very frustrating especially when there are no children involved that need to be protected. I do not feel that my H should be entitled to 50% of everything that we had because he chose to leave me and our life. I don't feel like I owe him anything, especially not 1/2 of my 401(k). I know the court system is out to protect, but it seems like all too many times the people that are benefitting are the ones that shouldn't be. I hope me and H can end our D out of the courts. I deserve to walk away with more than my fair share. A little bit of me actually feels guilty, but then I step back for a second and think...no, I shouldn't feel guilty...H is still with OW and right now anything that he is getting is to start his new life with OW. If he would have had any respect for me, he would have broke it off with OW 8 months ago. He's a grown man and he made his choices and he can rebuild his life on his own.
M:28, D finalized: 8/28/07 Current Thread
"When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile."
If she were keeping the house, got full custody of the kids, with full child support and alimony, then I would agree that she was being rewarded for bad behavior.
I do not think that paying for food, clothing, and shelter for your children, in an amount proportional to your respective earning power, is punitive to you or a reward for her.
If you really object to CS this much, then you should go for full custody.
Mike, I do not object to CS. They are my girls and I take responsiblity for providing and raising them. It bothers me that she can go live a sinful life with my girls and I get to help her do it by paying her to support my girls. I am not againest CS, just D.
I gave it up for my W. I used to take time out for myself, fishing, workingout, having a beer with friends, that all went out the window during my M. I did not realize it but I feared screwing up by making her unhappy somehow. By doing so I screwed myself in a sense.
..and this is how we lost our N.U.T.S. We don't realize it. I think we just sorta get things leeched out slowly over time. The WAW then quietly 'leaves us' until we get notification by the bomb.
I am reading something 'posthumously'. Well..not really. I am reading the .pdf Stop Your Divorce. The guy talks about your W being a need vs. a desire/preference. Have you read it? The we need someone, the more we have stress and anxiety.
Anyway, as always, the apple never falls far from the tree. Continue to focus on those beautiful girls of yours.
To MnM....I'm gonna post at you if and when I get served. Thanks and I hope you'll have the patience for me.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Well another weekend has come and gone. I did not do a whole lot though. I went golfing again on Saturday then hung out with my neighbors in the evening. Yesterday, I went to church then made dinner for everyone though my STBXW did not eat. Sunday evening D2 and I just relaxed a bit. We went for a walk, got some ice cream at her request and then watched a Disney movie.
My STBXW called me yesterday and asked me for my bottom line number for buying her out of the house. My answer to her is the same as it always has been take the market value of our house minus realator and closing costs then get the difference between that number and what is left on our mortgage. She then gets half. Unfortunately she and her lawyer do not like what I am proposing. She feels that she should not have to pay any of those extra costs, I on the otherhand feel she should get the same amount as if we were to sell the house today. She is also thinking that I am going to be giving her the cash equivalent to half of my 401(k), this is not going to happen because it will cost me more in the end. Even though she is going to walk away with a lot of money I think she is upset that it is not more.
My W also informed me that she put money down on a new townhome and she should be out of the house either September 7th(my birthday) or December 7th. I guess it depends entirely on how long the divorce takes. She also informed me that her girl friend, who also is getting divorced, is going to be her neighbor. It sounds like everything for her is going good.
My W on Friday decided that she would help me find a nanny without first talking to me about it. I came home from a run and she informed me that the girls are taken care for me on Friday's. I was not happy that she helped with this. I know she is their mom, but, it is my responsibility to make sure my girls are properly cared for while under my care not hers. This convo lead to her accusing me of dragging me feet with the D. W - Why haven't you looked into refinancing yet? M - I have but I do not have a firm number inregards to buying you out yet. I then told her to give me a number. (Which she actually did but it was about $15,000 more then it is going to be.) W - Whats going on with you and your L? Have you talkin to her lately? M - No, I have not talked to her lately. She has everything that she has asked for from me. I cannot speed this D along anymore then it is. I provided everything that I was supposed to to her and it will go from there.
It also seems that my W is playing the middle man to me for her L. He wants me to put down everything for him with actually numbers so he can look it over. I told her that my L and I will have everything he will need and he can talk to my L. I will not be providing anything for her L.
I then went up stairs to shower and my W left for the evening with our girls...so I thought. Well she wasn't done and she came it the bathroom to vent some more. On her way in she heard me venting to myself....For the first time my W heard that I feel she is selfish, shallow and a tramp. I did not repeat calling her a tramp once I knew that she was around. I actually hate that I feel this way about her the mother of my girls, but currently it seems that the shoe fits. She then left, came back, left, came back... I forgot exactly what she said to me, but my answer to her was she is the one that keeps coming back keeping the convo going. That pretty much ended it and I was then able to take my shower.
I am feeling OK rightnow though my head goes in multiple directions. Part of me wants this done and over with, but, on the other hand I do not want to lose my family. As much as my W is someone that I do not know at this point, I really do not want to lose her or my girls. I know that I will have my girls 40% of the time, but, I hate the thought of coming home to an empty house. I built this house for my family and now I will be living in it alone most of the time. I will probably stay in the house for a year or two but it might be hard on me - we will see.
