I don’t see your wife doing anything different over the last 70 days that what you have done over the previous few years with your don’t-give-a-shititis. You were just as entrenched in your self pity as self righteousness at that time as she is entrenched now. She is using a different tactic and has upped the ante, otherwise I only see tit for tat and a higher level. I agree that her indiscretions at this time are very serious, but don’t discount how much impact your apathy over the years has had on your kids too. IMO, you are getting into self-justification waters.
I am not offering you any advice at all. I am discussing what has been posted on this public board and offering my interpretation. I really could care less if you even read it. My point is to those others reading your sitch and thinking, hey, maybe I should just bail out, that would solve all my problems. If this board is truly about self growth, as NH stated, then I see little growth forthcoming in your or your wife when you jump out of the marriage just at the time when events become critical and the potential for the most advancement and understanding has arrived.
I look at the type of situation MrsChoc is going through as every bit a mental illness. While I do not consider MLC to be an “illness” per se, I do think each person’s case has a series of identifiable causes and cures. What is not easy is to know what those cures are or to get the other person to learn from those cures. I even believe Mojo’s ex is curable, but he does have to hit bottom and become open to the remedy (though I do think your ex is an extreme case, Mojo). That means growth does not occur until the bottom is hit. That means sticking out the relationship as that bottom approaches. That means not bailing out when things get really, really bad.
In fact, if people can step back for a moment and look at how these stages occur, you might see that the time to bail is when the first signs of trouble occur, assuming one has the knowledge and foresight to recognize those signs. The time it takes to get to the bottom is uncertain. It could take months or it could take years. But once at the bottom, we arrive at the bottom, I think we should actually be happy because it is very likely that the worst is behind and things will start to get better. It is counter-intuitive to how things feel at the time, but it is predictable human psychology.
One other comment to Mojo’s statement that lending fusion to a spouse will not help to forestall a divorce …. In principal I agree, if that fusion causes the growth process to stop, but my point is that when a person is in turmoil and having to re-evaluate the reality of what is going on (much less who they are) growth can become overwhelming. If a relationship has deteriorated to the point we are talking about, it is a pretty sure thing that both people have some major changes to make. The magnitude of these changes says something about how far each person has had to “push” him/herself off balance in order to survive. That “off balance” position required seeing the world in a certain way to justify their current predicament, which means their whole sense of self is wrapped up in this perception. The ego is inextricably wrapped up in all this and can only take so much change at a time. The person also has to suffer from some level of low self-esteem. Too much therapy and growth will feel like jumping off the cliff of who they currently know themselves to be. I believe recovery has to come gradually in order to avoid backlash. So this is where I can see lending some fusion to the partner is a good thing. It gives them a rock to stand on and catch a breath of air when they feel like they are drowning in the overwhelming events and new ideas coming at them. I think that fusion should be temporary, but I do think it can be very, very helpful.
