WAW1978's adventures in DB'ing

[waw1978]

Journaling: Sorry I think this is going to be long!

Spent Tuesday night at my house with H & D4. Very uncomfortable. H not evening speaking to me at all. Not even small talk. I guess thats to be expected. Discussionas are pretty much limited to D4 and house related items. I didn't sleep very well and don't think i will be spending anymore time there than I have to.

I did not feel welcome in my own home but I haven't been living there except for a night or two a week to see D4. I am still steaming that H refuses to leave the house except for one night a week so I can sleep at the house for D4. The whole situation rots. He is really holding the cards as far as she is concerned and I am starting to get pissed that he is dictating the visitation/custody schedule.

Last night H had a work function so I spent the evening at the house with D4. After I had her settled in for the night, watching a movie and having a snack I got myself ready to go out with my cousin. Apparently this was unacceptable to H. He was upset that I was using our bathroom to get ready. Then there was a somewhat hostile exchange about how I moved out so I should go and get ready at my parents house, not there...blah, blah, blah. Needless to say, this did not go over well with me. Also, he said I could have been spending those 15 minutes with D4...I guess the hours we spent having dinner, playing "spa" and having a bath didn't count to him. But the 15 minutes that I pulled myself together in the bathroom are being used against me. (Going back to the whole "bad mother" crap...Tell me again why I am still paying half the mortgage and bills and I can't use MY bathroom?

Anyway, this leads to yet another tense partial R talk. He tells me that he had a long talk with his parents about us and that they want to sit down and talk to me but he didn't think I wanted that. Your damn right I don't want to talk to them about this. I don't know where they get off thinking they have any right to give us imput on our marriage. His parents meddling caused a lot of problems in our M cause my MIL is a domineering martyr that has to be in control of everything and everyone around her. There was huge drama regarding out wedding that I never recovered from. She interferred with something very important and stripped me of my dignity for a long time. I do feel for my FIL who is not a bad guy but I think she casterated him long ago.

We discuss the current situation and he is still pissed that I don't want to do R talks outside of the MC sessions. But we get into a partial R talk anyway. I told him I have been thinking a lot about what was said in the last session. Flat out told him that he needs to stop minimizing my feelings and telling me that these things are "coming out of the woodwork/leftfield etc". Cause I have a right to feel however I feel even if what hurt me happened years ago.

Also somewhat nasty exchange about me moving out permanently. I told him D4 would be coming with me to my new house on days that I have her. To which I got a very natsy "I know what your plans are" response.

Help me out here LBS'. I have been very fair and equitable about this whole thing. Afterall I am the one who is unhappy. He still maintains that he was content with our M the way it was. So I am the bad guy. I moved to Mom's until my new place is ready, I am still paying half the bills at our house (so I have no money to get a new place at the moment) and I have been letting him call the shots with visitation all in the name of being fair and trying to make this easy.

So I had my own epiphany last night after all of this. I think I am being too nice. I have been working hard to not rock the boat but you know what? He is not being fair in regards to my D4. He is using her (again) as leverage. He also made some off color remark about " your mothers or where ever it is that you have been sleeping" WTF? I did not appreciate that at all.

Help. I am irate. I want to head to the nearest atty's office and file for divorce. Called the MC yesterday and haven't gotten a call back. I am getting desparate. My new place still isn't ready and may not be until Sept 1. Which for the record my father is paying for because I refuse to ruin my credit by not paying my half of our mortgage. H cannot afford it on his own and I know that if I don't keep paying both of our credit scores and financial lives will be in shambles for a long time. One of the horrible downsides of being in the financial industry, i see the damage to both spouses when one decides they don't want to contribute anymore and just take off leaving the other spouse up the creek without a paddle.

PS: If there is any atty out there, can he keep my daughter from me? Would I have to actually file for D to work out an equitable custody plan?