His analogy for fusion is when you let the rocking of your partner's boat rock your boat emotionally. So, I would say that it is to some extent unavoidable.
Hmmm. That's where I am still trying to understand this. To me if you are connected to someone then you would feel sad for them when they are sad about something that affects only them - say something at their workplace upset them. The difference between that and fusion is that if you are fused with the other person you don't feel sad for them, you ARE sad. Also I think it would not be good for a relationship if there was not a connection so that if you saw your spouse sad, you felt NOTHING.
The issue gets more complicated when something happens that really affects both of you so as a couple you are each dealing with it plus possible fused issues??
Severe fusion would be somebody saying that they will die without you or stalking you.
Well that would certainly be sever. I also think it would be severe if your emotional state was completely decided by your partner's emotional state.
I think my XH was fused to me somewhat and I did not even recognize it. When I would be upset or crying I felt like he did not connect with me at all because he would yell at me or walk away. After talking to our marriage counselor, it turns out that when I cried he felt like it was his fault and his way of dealing with sadness is to get angry and leave. Who knew?? It never occurred to me that he might feel my sadness about something so deeply without letting me know!!
The ability to maintain a strong sense of self in a relationship might be regarded as the hallmark of differentiation. OTOH, selflessness can lead to a sense of entitlement as in "I'm such a wonderful wife, I do x,y and z. He should want to have sex with me more often"
??? Since selfishness leads to the same conclusion, right? This is where other factors come in. if you are selfless, you are selfless for yourself and not for others, so you don't expect sex, gifts, AOS, etc. for what you give freely.
All these same issues are at play, to a lesser degree, in really good friendships. I give of myself freely and to the extent I can in my friendships without any expectation that a friend "owes" me anything.
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
