Where is my wife?

[chromosphere]

Mojo,

I think you need to start your own local access TV show ... "Mojo's Sexual Energy." For a mere $5.95 a minute (call now) you can share in the waves emanating from this powerful source. LOL

Chrome

[chromosphere]

Anyone,

I am back into a pit of sorts, but it is a shallow pit and the lip is within reach. My fear is that the lip will crumble when I grab hold, but I know that staying within the pit is not acceptable.

The expected down cycle is here, but I know that it is of my own making. I have been gone from home for two weeks, and mostly in locations with poor cell phone and internet coverage. My wife being the type of person that withdraws when there is space, I expected this to happen. In the few messenger convos we have had, all of my attempts at sexual teasing that were met and returned in force just a short time ago, have been met with "the kids are cranky and I haven't slept" or "ok, that's nice." LOL So my task is to rebuild the intimacy that was broken due to distance. Sometimes I wish my W were the type that would sit at home thinking dirty thoughts about me the whole time I am gone, but I intuitively know that that can lead to excessive neediness, which can kill attraction just as surely as withdrawal.

She did make one good comment though. She said that when I get home it is "my turn to take care of the kids while she runs off." While it would have been easy to see that as a guilt trip, I read that as her remembering that there is life outside the kids, something that I have been hoping she will realize. So I told her that she should pick a day and something to do, and I'll cancel my work stuff and stay home. She responded by saying she would rather I do the honey-do list, to which I responded "that too."

I can see how her being alone at home with 3 kids can disturb that most troubling spot for women, feeling secure. I can see more clearly now the pattern our R has laid out. When she feels most secure, she is horny. When she feels that I am either not capable or not willing (whether that is true or not), she withdraws. Having her family nearby gives her a safe haven to withdraw to. I don't want to interfere with that, but I do want her ship to prefer my harbor.

It would be easy for me to go right now into "but you are MARRIED to me, you are supposed to want me" mode, and feel cheated that I am the one having to fight to make our R strong, but in the end such thoughts are pointless. Life is rarely happy by accident, someone has to be the one to plan and work. I do hope that as the kids age she will find her womanhood and search me out more actively. Until then ...

As for today, try to put out of my mind the rampant sexuality she showed the last few times I saw her. That only leads to feelings of entitlement. Instead, remember how I got there and keep doing what needs to be done regardless of the tests she throws at me. After all, she just wants to know that she is secure, that I won't bail on her if she is cranky.

Enough rambling, be well all,
Chrome

[fearless]

Chrome,

As someone that has always traveled for work (although much more right now!) I have to say that I have felt that it is emotionally harder for the person at home. I would think that would be even truer when kids are in the picture. My reasoning has always been that while traveling on the road is stressful and physically tiring, the person at home has a huge absence to deal with and with the kids I would imagine it is even more noticeable. Obviously I know how exhausting and stressful travel can be so I am not pretending that travel is easy for us. I just bring this up as a way for you to maybe try to empathize with your wife and see if she will open up and communicate a bit more with you about how she feels. Like you said you want her to look to your harbor and that means you might have to put up with some complaining. However if she can trust that she can let her guard down with you and complain and know that you will be strong and listen without taking it too personally, it might help with the continued strengthening of your relationship.

I have to say I am still amazed at how different you "sound" when you post. There is a lot more strength and confidence in your "voice." Don't let her off days throw you off!! You are doing great!!

[oldtimer]

Chrome,

I agree, you sound great. I am glad you are having success in your sitch.

In this case, I think you are overthinking things and in doing so, you are not hearing your W.

Two weeks alone with three kids and you are treating her to a day off? Look, it is so disproportionate, while the relief is no doubt welcome, the offer of it is going to needle her feelings of resentment, if you know what I mean.

I cannot even imagine how hard it would be to parent three kids alone for two weeks when they are small children. When she says, ""the kids are cranky and I haven't slept," listen to her.

She is exhausted, she is spent, she is emotionally and physically tapped out. At that point, your sexual playfulness just seems like one more demand on HER. She is at the point where interaction that requires giving on her part is simply too draining.

How can you help her out? Can you read or sing to the kids over the phone and let her relax on the couch for twenty minutes? Can you arrange for someone to come help her? Can you hire a maid service? Can you pay for home cooked meals to be delivered to the house? Can you surprise her by having a masseuse come give her an in-house massage?

W needs some relief. W needs to have someone meet her needs. She needs her emotional and physical resources restored. It would be great, for instance, if you could give her a four-day weekend totally off where she gets to travel and have a complete break.

As for sexual playfulness during travel, maybe there is a way to make that restorative rather than draining for her. Maybe try getting her rocks off remotely to help her sleep after a long day, making it very clear that reciprocation is not even on the table?

Anyway, just a few thoughts. The main thing is: hear her exhaustion and don't personalize it.

[chromosphere]

Fearless,

Fear not (yuck yuck), I don't for a second think that my "troubles" travelling are more important than her "troubles" taking care of kids. I am doing my best to let her complain and not personalize or make her feel like she can't complain. I am not going to let her do a core dump on me though. I'm happy to listen, but it needs to come from a place of friendship and not sniping. That I won't tolerate.

Thanks for the vote of confidence, I'm doing my best.

Chrome

[chromosphere]

OT,

Thanks for your thoughts.

Two weeks alone with three kids and you are treating her to a day off? Look, it is so disproportionate, while the relief is no doubt welcome, the offer of it is going to needle her feelings of resentment, if you know what I mean.

I think you may be forgetting a bit of our history. It wasn't that long ago that I had to CONVINCE her to LET ME take the kids for a day. This is not me being selfish and only giving back one day for two weeks, this is all she will give in to. And she did take her 4-day weekend earlier this summer, btw.

In addition, she is not alone, she has her mother to help her, although frankly that creates more problems. I notice she is decidedly more "prim and proper" after being with her mother for 2 weeks. Not surprising given that her mother is a ... well, better hold that thought.

Two weeks alone with three kids and you are treating her to a day off? Look, it is so disproportionate, while the relief is no doubt welcome, the offer of it is going to needle her feelings of resentment, if you know what I mean.

That is a good point, and well taken. I had already decided to hold off on initiating sex and just go for lots of cuddling for the next couple of days (and I'll be the one to get up in the middle of the night to care for cranky kids so that she can catch up on sleep). I'll tone down the teasing so that she doesn't feel pressured to "step up to the plate" so to speak. But only for a little while ...

How can you help her out? Can you read or sing to the kids over the phone and let her relax on the couch for twenty minutes? Can you arrange for someone to come help her? Can you hire a maid service? Can you pay for home cooked meals to be delivered to the house? Can you surprise her by having a masseuse come give her an in-house massage?

Good suggestions, but probably wouldn't produce much results in this case. She already has her mother helping out, she would absolutely refuse maid service (even if we COULD afford it), cooking IS a stress reliever for her, and she doesn't like massages (although she does like back scratching, think they would come over and do that?).

Maybe try getting her rocks off remotely to help her sleep after a long day, making it very clear that reciprocation is not even on the table?

Again, good ideas and I would be all for it. But remember she refuses to masturbate.

hear her exhaustion and don't personalize it.

I do and I'm trying not to. Thanks for the kick though.

Chrome

[oldtimer]

Ugh, a lot of barriers to progress there, huh?

Not much you can do if W is going to insist on martyring herself a bit...

I forgot about MIL, indeed. What a mess that is... Less sex = good enough reason to bar anyone from the house, lol.

Re trying to read to the kids for 20 minutes over the phone or web... If the kids are old enough, this might be a case in which the thought of your help and support provides more relief than the 20 minute break ever could.

Re hot dirty remote sex... Any chance that she might be open to MB couched as phone sex? What about a phone/web controlled vibrator so it wouldn't be her MBing exactly? After all, this is the "where is my wife" wife, so who knows?

[chromosphere]

OT,

I will reiterate that things are quite a bit better. She did go through a little time of standoffishness (is that a word LOL) when I got home, but after the kids were in bed she readily sat in my lap and talked for quite a while, even dozing off together. Upon getting into bed, she was hot to trot, doing her little wiggly thing to let me know she was willing.

I'll take the phone call idea under consideration. One problem I had with my last two trips is the the majority of the trip was either traveling or at a location where cell phone coverage is not good (most observatories discourage cell phone usage as the radio signals can interfere with some of the detector equipment).

As far as phone sex, not going to happen anytime soon. She has NEVER (according to her) touched herself in a sexual way and plans to never do so. And she doesn't like toys either, so a vibrator, even if I was physically holding it and manipulating it (man that sounds like fun!!!) would be unwelcome.

You are right, those are barriers I would like to bust sometime in the future, but they are not crucial right now. I think she would be surprised at how much she would enjoy toys, MB, and oral sex, but for now I am concentrating on keeping the base level secure. And there are a few other basic tools that I am going to insert (no pun intended) first, such as doggy style (which she indicated interest in trying).

Thanks for your thoughts

Chrome

[fearless]

Upon getting into bed, she was hot to trot,

Good for you!!

By the way are you still seeing the IC? Are you doing any work for YOU? What are your personal goals?

Also you are an astronomy prof right? DO you know anyone in Ohio - specifically Tom Burns at Ohio Wesleyan? Also what do you think of Neil DeGrasse Tyson? Oddly enough I found out about him years ago through a Wine Spectator article. I'm looking to pick up the Origins DVD and book. Any other recommendations??

[chromosphere]

Fearless,

I am still "seeing" the IC, but it is on a prn basis, i.e. I call when I feel the need and we set up an appt. That works well, b/c usually when I feel the "need", it is at a whiny stage and having to wait a week or so let's me really ponder and think about the core issue. That way my hour is not wasted just dumping on my C. My primary personal goals are to stamp out the pits in my emotional cycles, and finally wade through my emotional adolescence, which I missed as a result of repressive parents. One of the hardest things I deal with every day is finally being aware that I am a potentially attractive person to females, and not responding to that either in inappropriate ways or by withdrawing. I know this may sound absolutely silly and childish, but I have a hard time just accepting attraction from females, feeling good about it internally, and then moving on without dwelling on it. Like I said, I need to grow up.

Yes I am an astronomy prof. I did know a guy who used to be at Ohio Wesleyan, but I'm not sure if he is there anymore. I feel awkward mentioning his name on here, as I don't know if he would like to be mentioned on SSM ... LOL. If you want, feel free to email me at [e-mail]. That is my anonymous email address, but it would preserve the privacy of third parties, kwim? I also came REALLY close to taking a job at Ohio University (one of the branch campuses specifically). They offered me some real incentives, including time at an observatory, but I made the choice to stay near family so that I could live an IRL version of Everybody Loves Raymond ... LOL.

Tyson is great, I would highly recommend anything he is a part of. I also strongly recommend anything by Carl Sagan (although it is a bit dated), Steven Hawking, Brian Greene, and Lisa Randall, if you are looking to delve into early universe stuff. For just basic astronomy info, the textbooks by Michael Seeds are the best, as well as a plethora of websites (stick with the .edu and .gov sites). If there is another specific topic you are interested in, let me know. If it is anything about star and planet formation, stellar and cosmic evolution, or just general astronomy questions, feel free to post here. If you are interested in the evolution/creationism debate, there is a great book by Eugenie Scott, or I would be happy to exchange my personal views with you.

The only problem I have is I don't tend to read as much of the popular astronomy books, instead reading journals and graduate level textbooks (not trying to be conceited, its just this is my field), so many of the recommendations I give are second hand from people I trust.

Chrome