H coming today, what do I do when he asks how I am

[25yearsmlc]

Morgan,

every thing Chaflo said, except switch the OJ for wine...just a thought. Anyhow, so you think one step forward and maybe one or two back means all bad???? Means some forward progress, which scared him, made him wonder about his choices, irritated him b/c he started to wonder about whether you are moving on and whether he has pushed too far that he couldn't go back, which must scare the crap out of him. Don't think he hasn't had Major Doubts...he does and has...so keep up the whole upbeat deal, and frankly, as long as you're pleasant enough to him, upbeat and Not unforgiving BUT also Not a doormat.

You are right to expect and require more respect in his manner toward you, especially since you'll give it to him. If he sees that, with his poop, he'll know at some level that if he really really "got it' you might be open to him. And if you act like a doormat, "publishing" to him that anything goes as long as he MIGHT come back, you won't maintain self respect, growth, and you won't look attractive either.

I can only assume it must really annoy him in a way, every time you act the opposite way he has convinced himself you are. Throws him off big time. Not to mention how he deals with the guilt you'll never know of...your goal is to feel better about YOUR life without concern for his. As for the money situation, first off, I missed something. If your h gets a better job, good for you and the family's finances, right? Okay. Somehow this relates to ow? Will they be together more? Bet the employer will LOVE that... I give them 6 months.

As for your fears, they are so normal. I've had clients (from when I worked full time, years ago--so I know how the fear of re-entering the work force is) who feared being single again. They'd have the whole "bag lady syndrome" thinking they'd die alone, fat and sad and undiscovered for months, until wild dogs would find them...

(Read Brigett Jones Diary for great singledom nightmares...). Even a female physician I knew told me was afraid of whether she'd make it on her own. We ALL get that fear. Especially with little ones. But you will make it.

Also, when one aunt told me to think "hard about the money", I did. I am not stupid and I will always put my kids ahead of my pride. But at the same time, I also feel it'd be better to live in my sister's basement than to put up with too much "stuff." When you get to the point that you REALISTICALLY assess the worst case scenario, and can handle it, you can start making choices for YOU and YOUR future. Do not let his idiocy ruin YOUR life as well as his.

I recall starting to look at teaching jobs in Italy, France,etc which my d10 would love to do for a year or two, and started to feel the freedom of NOT having to put H's job before all else. It felt pretty good after awhile. You'd be surprised at how many men will date and marry a woman with 3 kids. My brother M a woman with 3 girls, and his own 3, and they've had a girl as well. (yep, that = 7 girls) They seem happy, and he dated many single moms before that. In some ways he preferred mothers since he was a dad with half custody.

You will survive and in time, you will be happy again, and loved again. When you begin to know this, you'll start healing yourself. There are good guys out there and this bb is proof of it. I am NOT saying give up, I'm saying that preparation for life as a single woman is not the same as giving up. IT's self protection. If you end up reconciled, you'll be a bit more independent and maybe more self assured and self reliant. If you don't end up together, you'll be moving on that much faster...it doesn't mean getting sad more. It means to start looking at the positives of his being gone---even the little ones and at first that is all they are, little. I noticed that having the toilet seat down was a small nice thing as was getting to watch chick flicks, and having cottage cheese and fruit for lunch. Not having someone critisize how I shop, or clean, or pay bills, or whatever, was also nice. Some men attack when they feel guilt, and my h was super UN-fun before he left. Wasn't hard to see the positives of his departure, and surely you've noticed that the tension level is lower without him around. Baby steps.
j-