yes, I'm very curious how trying to initiate some hot ML would work. Would this be different for you? I'm thinking yes. I'm very glad OT mentioned it, and I really think you should at least try it. If he turns you down, who cares? don't worry about it, it's just his mood/problem, not you. Remember Michelle mentions something like that in one of the books (might be the one about lack of sex in the M) that I think she was talking about herself, but saying she walked in the bedroom being provocative and trying to initiate and the H wasn't "interested" and she left still acting "sexy", sayin "guess your just gonna miss out..."
Since your noticing these cycles, and you've decided he's in #2... then figure out what you normally act/do during this and do something completely different. Obviously the cycle is not ending and you need to do something different to make it stop. I think the ML can be that. It's kinda like rewarding him for stepping away from her, and it would also take his mind off her as well if your all over him.
also, WHY are you deciding for him that he's not in the mood? What is he doing that is giving you these hints?
I know that for a guy to feel loved, having sex is a big part of that. It gives them an intimacy when they have sex. For us, we usually need the intimacy first. Who knows, maybe your H is being down because he wishes you would initiate. I mean, OW is this flirty all up in your face kinda girl, so maybe he's looking for that in you too? who knows. I think it's worth it to try it and see what happens. I wouldn't give up on 1 try though.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Different for me? Well.. different from a year ago, yes. Different from 6-8 months ago, no. It's something I worked on a bit just shortly pre-bomb, and a lot post-bomb. Probably our best months of ML were shortly pre and post bomb. Not to get into details but, the most passionate, uninhibited, for sure.
Semi-recently I've been trying to initiate more.. was great fora while, but now I often get a really cold shoulder. Sometimes just a 'roll over in bed and pretend to be asleep,' sometimes an actual "I'm not interested right now, please leave me alone." So a couple weeks ago I decided no more initiating - he wants it, he can pursue me!! He's done that a couple times and it was great - and it kinda seemed like what we BOTH wanted/needed.
The last month or so... well, I almost feel like me initiating pisses him off. I'm not deciding for him, really... it's pretty apparent (without getting TOO graphic, I give him a passionate kiss and (ahem) rub in the right places and he pushes my hand away and says "NO, not right now"). I think I was trying TOO hard and it really put him off, or something.. least that's how it feels.
I may be WAY off base but I kind of think he's getting older, not feeling as "horny" as he used to almost non-stop, and now here I am initiating more, and he can't always do what he'd like to. (uuugh I hope that doesn't sound totally embarassing for either of us!).
I totally agree it's time to do what *I* can to break the cycle though. I'll keep trying here and there and see how it goes, not drop it totally. I LOVE the story about the girl walking out with the "gonna miss out!" attitude. I need to develop that, instead of feeling kinda rejected.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
To get too graphic for sure, H's lack of an erection is no barrier to hot sex. Unless you are one of those very rare women who has an O during intercourse unassisted and only in that manner, then it should not have much at all to do with you having an O.
Women REALLY need to shift their focus in sex off of the man's erection and ejaculation and onto their own O. Trust me, men are thinking and managing both their erection and ejaculation. You don't need to make it your focus.
So, what would happen if you went at sex as a sexual animal, someone who really was just interested in their own O (albeit with someone they love).
What would H do if you walked into the room with a vibrator and said: "H, I could really use some help with this? I don't think I can sleep tonight without at least two solid Os. Can you please help me out by ________________? e.g. telling me your dirtiest fantasy in great detail..."
If he declines your help, get a good night's sleep, having taken care of it yourself.
OT - ha, no problem there. I believe I posted about that 'passion party' I went to several months ago? I overspent but have a lot of fun options now .
Good questions/thoughts. The tough part for me is the rejection (whether it's not being interested in ML, or it's rejecting "helping" me). The first thing that pops into my head is "What's wrong with me that he's not interested." Obviously that line of thinking is my problem, not his. I need to get that part out of my head, and focus on the fun part instead.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
I think Positive interaction when they seem to be trying is what helps to bring them home from the mothership. At least i think it has helped my sitch for H to hear he is appreciated. I always assumed that H knew that. Guess what, he needed to hear it too.
JAk
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
woah! OT... if Nikki wasn't graphic enough, you definitely didn't leave anything behind! lol you know, I think you do have something about the, asking H to help her with the "O". Last year, I was tired of being so embarrassed w/ myself so I became a lot less inhibited. Did a little lap dance once, (very quick though) and would "you know what" by myself right beside him and definitely let him know it. He actually thought that was really cool and even told some of his friends- which I was totally embarrassed!
Although... Nikki, your H could just be in a different spot right now. I think that it is possible that he may feel inadequate and doesn't want to "embarass" himself. But have you noticed any erection problems before?
I know my H had turned me down before last year but it was because he didn't think it was fair to me (rather i believe he was thinking it wasn't fair to OW) but he never just flat turned me down, it was more like, "you don't need to do that"or "you shouldn't do that". not "leave me alone". Maybe there is still some depression problem too.
Would it hurt to just come right out and ask if he feels uncomfortable with you initiating? Otherwise we are all just guessing. I say to try an be an "animal" as OT put it, a couple times and if he rejects both, then ask him about it.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Oh my...yes, blushing and I haven't even done anything yet!
jak Good point - I try to make sure H knows when he's appreciated but I need to really focus on making sure I'm expressing that. I hate it when he thinks I can read his mind, and I sure shouldn't go around expecting him to read mine.
ST haha yeah, OT covered the rest! OMG...the stuff that they will tell their friends just amazes me. I couldn't even talk to a couple of his friends without turning beet red for awhile, after he mentioned something sex-related he told them. Guess it must be a "guy thing"!
I do get the "you don't have to do that" sometimes, too - usually when he's acting guilty for something. Although haven't gotten that in awhile, so maybe that's a good thing.
He's been having problems more as he gets older and I know it bothers him. I have never once been bothered by it (and haven't said anything or acted like it bothered me, I don't think). I agree some of it's probably some depression. And some's probably just age catching up, too.
I like that idea.. try the "animal" approach and if that doesn't go well, try asking outright.
I just set up our MC appointment for next Tuesday. Why do I get SO nervous about these things?? My stomach is now churning. I'm glad we're going, though.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
The lap dance is a great idea for spicing things up. Nothing wrong with it at all. I just want to emphasize that my suggestion was going in a different direction. Try focusing narrowly on you and YOUR sexual needs. (So, your comment about "you don't have to do that" is off topic in that regard because it is talking about what you are doing to him.)
This is really a big paradigm shift for a lot of women. But, it makes a big difference in your sex life if you sometimes very openly put your sexual satisfaction first and pursue it lustily. There is something very liberating for both parties when the focus is taken of the male's satisfaction at times. Besides, men love to watch. I promise you H will take measures to achieve an O for himself if he is so-moved even when YOU are the focus instead of him.
So, when I say be an animal, I mean be a me-gonna-get-me-some-sexual-satisfaction-a-few-times-over and I want it in x-y-z ways NOW animal.
Surely, there are also times to also be a me-gonna-get-your-freak-on-better-than-anyone-else-ever-has-so-watch-out-while-I-F-your-brains-out animal.
Indeed, I'm sure we could design enough freaky sex animals for a zoo.
My point is just that women are well-versed in putting the focus on man-pleasing during sex. Try being the first kind of animal and see what happens. Even if H turns you down, be clear that you will continue your animal mission and succeed. Then, succeed.
OT - thanks for clarifying. I did understand what you meant about focusing on my own needs more, just mentioned the "you don't have to.." in response to ST's comment.
haha I love your "animal" descriptions, I just laughed so hard I choked on the water I was drinking!! What a crazy zoo THAT would be...
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
.
What a crazy zoo THAT would be...