My little glimmer of hope just fizzled out

[kaydeekay]

Last thread:

I feel I had enough

Kinda down and need to vent:

For the past 2 months H and I were having s*x once a week. In the beginning I could put my feelings aside and see it just for what it was, s*x. After about a month and a half of this I started feeling like he was only interested in me for s*x. I also startd to have feelings for him again. I then, tried to look at it "maybe we are reconnecting on some level." But I couldn't fool myself because he would only call me for s*x.

Two weeks ago I get a phone call from H wanting to meet me at the house. Since I felt I was being used, I gave a lame excuse and told him I had to run errands after work. H said he was almost to my house and could I please meet him. Well I met him and I was just going through the motions. H noticed and asked what was wrong and I told him "nothing." H said we didn't have to have s*x but I told him it was okay. Afterwards he leaves and calls me and tells me that he would never, never ask me to do that again. I thanked him and we hung up. I text him telling him I was happy he understood about not having s*x again, that maybe we need to move on and get the divorce done with. Didn't get a response.

Last Friday, I had to call for child support. He said instead of him dropping it off (which he normally did) it would be better if I picked it up from him at his job. H mentioned that he would file in December. All I could say was ok. H was very nice to me when I met him.

Monday, H calls me and is being way too nice. He starts off with questions about D13.
H: Why are you nice to me?
M: I'm always nice.
H: You used to be bad.
M: Well, people tell me I'm nice.
H: Did your mom tell you I saw her the other day?
M: Yes, she said you looked good.
H: I talked to her for 5-10 minutes. Your dad looks good.
H: I don't want to say good-bye but I guess I have to.
M: You know you don't have to.
H: We used to be good friends. We started out as friends and it became more than that.
M: Yeah we did.
H: I used to watch you walk across the room when we worked at Company X.
M: You did?
H: Yes. You were everything to me. I was just thinking about the beginning days.
M: Oh really?
H: Do you miss boom-boom (s*x of course).
M: Well, I really can't do anything about that right now.
H: Time of the month?
M: Yes.
H: You was so beautiful.
M: Oh, I'm not anymore?
H: You still are beautiful.

We said our good-byes. Tuesday, H calls me in the morning and after he got off work. Just calling to see if I deposited the child support check because it hadn't cleared yet. Then he calls me to let me know it cleared. Another call to ask me where I learned to perform a certain oral technique. I laughed and told him from a magazine. He asked if I would like to do that again. I said I'm willing to but you have to look at my clothes dryer....silence. H said well I could tomorrow after work 'cause I just got cleaned up. I told him to don't worry about it and that he didn't need to come by at all. H backed tracked and said he would be there to look at it.

H shows up. I explained to him a male friend Jeff was supposed to be helping me with it but he got busy. H looks at the dryer but couldn't fix it. H walks out the door, comes back in and asked about the oral thing. I told him I could do it. He then turns around and tells me that I didn't have to. I did anyway. During the deed H asks me if I was going to start seeing Jeff. I quickly told him no and that he was married.

H leaves and calls me. Again, he said he would never, never, never ask me to do that again. I just came out and asked him if he ever thought about us getting back together. H said we have been apart far too long, he still remembers the bad marriage, I scarred him, I made him feel he had no self-esteem, and he didn't think I had changed. He was focusing on all the negative. I explained to H that maybe we could start with a clean slate. He said the bad marriage haunts him. H then went on to say that he had been seeing someone. He began to have feelings for her and got scared. H didn't want to get into another relationship (the day to day life of living with someone). He broke it off with her. H said that they have begun talking again and he wants to give her 120% and see if he can more or less make a commitment. And to top it off, H didn't want to f*ck around on her (cheating with me). H then had a fear that I would somehow sabotage it. I don't even know who he is seeing.

I called H later and got VM. I told him I had a petition already to go, we just have to file it. Left him TM to let me know ASAP if he wants to file it now and not in December. I then left a nasty TM: "Im done w/U. I tried, I waited for U. I had even forgiven U. U never loved me all along. If U did U would have tried instead of f*cking me. Lose my number." I know awful. H never responded to anything.

This morning I left him a TM: "Sorry for the rude txt. I was hurt and wanted one last chance at us. U would've seen a complete 180 in me. Best of luck, hope U find the love of your life. Luv you.

The way I feel right now is the feeling I had when all of this began nearly 3 years ago. I don't know if H needed some sort of closure when he was telling me all of those things on Monday or what. My gut instinct is telling me he is never coming back. I was thinking all along he was in MLC and that one day maybe he would snap out of it. I guess I was wrong, he just needed to wean me out slowly.

Sorry for the long post. I feel a tiny bit better getting it off my chest.