he said abuse is sometimes only in the eye of the victim, abuse to one isn't even close to another. Okay, what's that mean for me. She said it had a lot more to do with my W's childhood than anything.
This is all very true. My W said and did similar things, although not as extreme. What she has really been doing is projecting her issues with her father or mother or whomever on YOU all these years. Even though YOU would never react the way her father might in certain circumstances, SHE has a belief structure that all men react that way, so SHE builds a 'fear based' system around her own beliefs.
What YOU can do is VERY calmly let her know that what she is saying about YOU , is really about her father/ parents, whatever. That her fears of what YOU 'might' do are fears from her own past life. Then, give her examples of times when you did NOT do what she 'expected' to happen, and that you are NOT that person whom she has built a fear for.
She needs to hear YOU tell her consistently that her fears are NOT based on anything you DID, but what she EXPECTED you to do because of her childhood fears.
This is what my W had to deal with. Only by repetition, where I (and our counselor) looked at specific situations, and how I reacted, versus how SHE was afraid how I WOULD react, did we start to get some 'reality' into the situation.
She is living her own fears. She is projecting them onto you.
