H coming today, what do I do when he asks how I am

[SallyM]

25yrsmlc, you are really wonderful. seriously. you seem to have such a handle on things, and I really appreciate the input/advice. I do.

still don't think I can hold it together much longer. I was able to pull it together and be bright and ME while he was here (I posted while he was upstairs with the kids). no mention of yesterday, just me being me, normal, so to speak. but omg, I can't do this. yes, there are small accomplishments, but I just feel him getting further and further away from me. we are mere aquaintences now and it is crushing me. it is. its killing me.

a friend of mine called today that I haven't told, haven't talked to him in ages, actually. an old college roommate, last time I saw him was when he was here for a dinner party a few months ago (pre-bomb). I finally told him what was going on. he nailed it perfectly, he started to say all the nice, comforting things, then finally stopped and just said, "that f-ing blows." he said more, but that just sums it up so well.

I told H that he called and gave him the update on their new baby, and H asked if I told him. I told him I did. H asked what he said...I told him just that, that "that f-ing blows", and that he hopes we can work it out still. H couldn't have looked more uncomfortable. he does when the "working out" thing comes up. He's just so far gone.

I mean, c'mon, what happened to the last couple of weeks when things felt so much better? I mean, I know they didn't mean anything really, but things at least felt better...at least we were G and M again, instead of this couple who doesn't even know each other. he's done a complete about face and I don't think I can handle it.

he's practically salivating about this job. it would mean that he could be with her, legitimatly, and the money is such that he would feel less guilty leaving. it wouldn't be like I had his full salary (what he is making now), but it would be more comfortable for me and the kids until I figure out how to start a career at 40. talk about your win win! he gets to lessen his guilt on taking care of us, but at the same time gets the woman he actually wants.

omg, it hurts so much. I have never felt so alone in my life. I'm not a person who wants to spend her life alone. don't get me wrong, I like my own company and have no problem with alone time...I crave it from time to time, I need a certain amount of it. but overall, I'm a partner person. I am. always have been. and I know I'll be okay if I'm alone, but I don't want to be. I like having someone there. I want to have him there, but oh god, if he won't be, I need to know there is someone else out there who is not completely afraid of a 40 year old woman with 3 little kids. I mean, who is looking for that?

sorry, rambling and crying now. big loser sitting here.