NikkiB #18

[NikB]

OK... Oldtimer wanted to respond to you separately so I could quote my original 'cycle'. I'll number it to hopefully help it easier to follow my replies.

Here it is:

1. H pulls away from PW (sometimes due to me getting upset, sometimes due to a realization on his part that their "friendship" is unhealthy)

2. PW cries, begs, pleads, pesters, and H goes through a grouchy, dark, depressed phase. Sometimes his behavior seems like "defiant teenager" and more and more it moves toward "open and honest." (my guess... as the inappropriate actions/behaviors/contact die down he doesn't "need" to lie about it, and he probably also wants and deserves credit for the positive actions).

3. H breaks free and truly does limit contact to "required for work only." PW Number disappears from the phone etc.

4. H becomes very sweet, loving, kind, really seems "into" our M and making it work.

5. PW does or says something to suck him back in. Usually either dramatic (desparately needs his help with something and no one else can save her), or so subtle it seems harmless (it's just a bunch of coworkers at happy hour, what's the big deal?).

6. Contact increases.

7. H becomes convinced he's made a mistake being with me, unhappy with the M, starts increasing the distance (often accompanied by lying, sneaking, etc.. cause as long as you don't admit what you did it's not wrong.. ).

8. I get more and more upset, bottle it up, and finally blow up about it.

So you asked where I am not involved or participating. I thought about it more and thought of a LITTLE more involvement on my part but I still don't see a lot. What am I missing?? Here are my first thoughts...

1. Sometimes the pullback seems to be due to me expressing anger about my boundaries not being respected (albeit not usually in a calm way.. the times I express it calmly don't seem to have any impact).

2. I choose how I respond to the dark/depressed - try to be there for him but not fix anything. I have made a conscious effort NOT to assume every dark/depressed mood is about me (or PW) though. I also try to call him on it if/when I realize I'm being lied to.

3. No real involvement from me. If I see it happening I do what I can to encourage it.

4. This is one I need to work on... in the past I've gotten so excited that he's trying, I overdo things and I think push him away again. Or I get into this self-destructive thing where I do things that I KNOW are not good for either one of us or for our M. I think it somehow makes it easier to expect things to go downhill again and be somehow responsible for it. Sounds sick, I know, and I am really working on it. Stopping the self-sabotage/self-destruction is going to be one of my very first goals with IC.

5. I usually don't know about it until much later so there's no real involvement from me here.

6. Again... I find out later, somewhere around stage 7.

7. About this time I start realizing she's back in the picture because I start catching on to the lies, the attitude, the distance. I start desparately trying to figure out what my boundaries are, what to do, how to enforce them... which I continue to struggle with, as everyone here knows.

8. Only one that seems like it's totally "my" step... the freak out.