I'm still here. I took a small one day trip to a hotel/casino to collect my thoughts on the matter. It was probably the wrong thing to do (she works there).

She called me prior to that trip (yesterday). I didn't call her first but I did answer. She was calling about a fax she needed to send and asking if she could use my fax machine.

I ended up not following the advice here which I partially regret. I'm not unintelligent. I understand what everyone has said that sometimes if you act uninterested or just don't pay enough attention, it can make the other person more interested or pay more attention. I've done that in the past mostly not on purpose (I do work a lot) and I know that it really works with us sometimes. I'm thinking it may not be the BEST approach because she already gets some of that from me unintentionally. I guess I just feel like that approach could go either way, and so could not playing headgames and just totally making her aware of true honest feelings, so I'm probably shooting myself in the foot, but I had to try things the dumb guy way.

So I made the mistake in that I brought up the subject and forced us to talk about the relationship. She says that for more than two years, she was totally in love with me. Now she says she isn't NOT in love with me, but she isn't in love with me. According to her, she believes that I push her away with my work schedule and my marriage thoughts and being unsupportive. A lot of things.

I've thought so much. I've changed my position and I think it is wrong of me to discourage any future growth in our relationship by automatically exluding things that are very important to her. I think that if I held the values of marriage without a certificate, which I have, but if she wanted/needed that, that it's been selfish of me to say that it would never happen and maybe it actually makes sense for me to consider if everything is right. Does that mean I think it would be a good idea to get married now or propose now? Obviously not. We have other problems now. And they are serious. I know they may or may not even work themselves out.

I believe her when she says she hasn't slept with this guy. She wouldn't answer (long pause) when I asked if she thought she loved him. But she did answer almost immediately when I asked if she ever told him that she loved him with a "why would I tell him that??? We're JUST FRIENDS". Maybe months later I will feel like the biggest dope in the world and find out I've been lied to, but for now, I'm going to believe that, and if so, her and the guy just aren't that serious. If thats true, he's not the real problem. What is serious is that her feelings towards me have changed.

She cried and said she wanted to take things one day at a time but then the guy called while we were talking and she had a work related chat with him in my company (some new work procedure). But it leads me to realize that they've been talking a lot so I know any one day at a time approach to our relationship wouldn't work because she is going to keep getting to know him more, and I'm going to divide us further picking or arguing about calls, time spent away, etc.

So I suggested that if we wanted to work things out maybe for a month we try moving in together (we rarely spend full nights together despite her having pushed for this in the past; I'm an only child with no brothers/sisters so I'm used to sleeping alone in my own house which I realize was relationship-damaging), spending more time together, and her not talking to the guy for a month, and seeing how compatible we are or aren't. She said she'd think about it. Until I get a yes or no, I guess now is where I will just provide some space. She said she would call me.

I know that forcing her to do anything or making her feel guilty enough that she would agree to try isn't going to solve anything. In fact, it might just lead to her sneaking more and being dishonest. This is tough.

Some of this letter today may sound like I'm being manuipulated and blaming myself, and I'm also not feeling sorry for myself in any way and saying I caused this somehow. But I just recognize that there are things that I could have done better in our relationship and they are factors.

It's been such a rollercoaster of emotions. Last night, in the hotel alone, I spent most of it crying. We talked today and I don't want her to think I'm not serious and I don't even care about this but I couldn't muster up any outward emotion (I hate those walls people throw up) but anger and now I almost feel a little okay that I'm alone. But I do know that Thursday and Friday are coming. And she knows it too.

So I guess there is where everybody tells me how much I messed up... and I know to an extent that I did. It's really tough.