I understand the badboy, farm boy. My H was the badboy cowboy. BTDT
I'm not necessarily saying "my way or the highway," but you haven't had any sort of talk any time recently and neither of you know what the other wants or is thinking is going on here. I understand that you need and want to compromise, but I also know you aren't enjoying the roommate behavior either. That's all I'm saying.
I'm just glad you are feeling better about yourself and that's what's important anyway. We all need to get to that place we we like ourselves for us and not like ourselves for our partnership/marriage or whatever.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Read a little looks good, I want to finish my other book first. The Doc said 1 week recovery so if I can stay off this thing and read I’ll be bursting with knowledge.
Husband.
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Remember, you can't talk, reason, argue or convince you wife to move forward in the relationship.
I suggest as you recover, that you read about being an alpha male, and start small experiments at rebuidling attraction.
Better to have conversations that build intimacy than to have the R talk.
You can ask questions, listen, validate and don't judge.
Questions:
"Where would you like to be 5 years from now?"
"Are there any dreams that you have put on hold, why?"
"If you were stuck on a desert island, what 3 things would you want to have with you?"
"When, in your life, have you felt the most alive? Why?"
"Here are some interesting things I'm learning about myself....what do you think?"
"What do you think are my strengths and weaknesses?" (MAN THIS TAKES LOTS OF COURAGE)
If you MUST talk about the relationship, then ask, rather casually, over a glass of wine, "Hey, where are we?". Listen. Find out how she FEELS. Listen, validate her feelings, don't judge.
Yes no R talks yet. But I feel my powers coming back. It's amazing how we unwontedly allow out side forces to control our inner feelings which in turn control how we react. It is amazing how in a way kind of sort of can control other people. By just agreeing with her I have taken the power of argument away. I chose not to argue.
Great questions I hope there is stuff like that in the book. I am downloading all of these into my lap top so I can bring it with me. (Trying to load things into my palm but having problems)
Husband
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Somewhere, on one of these other threads, I was reading someone's advice (was it JenJam?) to the effect that it was the casual, light little exchanges that helped her marriage along--not the big, serious R talk.
Also, are you sure that W IS happy with the roommate sitch?
When you do the alpha, wild, primitive, Neanderthal man kind of thing--while clad only in Man Panties--make sure you get in some howling at the moon---and maybe you could "mark" some of the furniture. W will think that something went wrong during surgery.
So ya went back and read my thread. I thought slipping it in on the bottom would get past ya.
I know what you are saying also. I think that is where we may be right now. Like her taking time off with no pay from work. In the past I would have said "No I'll be alright you go to work I'll get a ride" even though I would rally like her to be there. That is a problem we both have. During one of our conversations a few months back. She told me about the first week we brought my son home form the hospital. There was a luncheon I was invited to at work. I asked her if she was alright and if I could go she said yes. NOW 10 years latter I found out that she really didn't want me to go that she was scared to be left alone with the baby. (Her first). So we both have to learn to say what we really want and not what we think the other person wants to hear.
Husband
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Husband, I see I missed a lot while I was gone. I hope you get to feeling better soon. Just think of all of those hot female doctors and nurses and you won't have any kind of undies on, not even man panties!
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
