One link at a time

[BeingMe]

Thanks, Wii, I do have a habit of doing that. I guess I feel I am a SAHM (usually), so my job is to take care of everyone, at the cost of myself because H is out making a living. I have been trying really hard not to, but old habits are difficult to break. I have allowed myself to fall down this past couple of weeks ... can't seem to sleep with thoughts circling in my head, so I read until 4am or even later, and then sleep until noon, and am totally out of it the rest of the day. I do plan on doing things, like gardening (or painting, or writing), but when I get out there, I don't see the point, am listless, and just leave it. I have to get out of this spiralling funk. Just really unmotivated right now. I guess it could be the length of time I have been DB'ing, trying, hoping, encouraging H, being supportive, making sacrifices (like giving up my job, and moving to the island), and it feels like I have achieved nothing.

I have to get back to working on me, and not worrying (even obsessing) about the M.

On another note: I have been thinking again of joining the reserves (or even regular cf), but am not sure what would be required. I know you can join up to 56 years old (in the reserves), so I have a little time. It would be cool to end my working life in the military (probably navy since I live on an island -ha), in the same way I started after school. I won't go into the military police, but probably administrative, if they'll have me. I was also thinking of joining the CFPSA, which means 6 months in Afghanistan. I am just considering this because I need to feel I am contributing to my adopted country, and also have a career that I can be proud of (OK, I am proud of being a mom too, but that's different), and pay my own way. I guess I should phone my local recruiting office, and see what my options are, if any.

Anyway, these are just ideas I have for my possible future, which I am starting to think will not include H, but I have said I will give him time to sort out his job sitch and see where we stand then (although he had all the time in the world before this job came along, but he chose not to use it wisely ... oh well). So, I will stand for a little time more, but I am not going to waste another 2 years of my life on someone who is just not that interested in making changes in himself (that he expected me to make in myself). Okay, there is a little bit of my spunk still there in me, after all ... been feeling somewhat deflated, and listless, and passionless.

Thanks for reading my posts, especially the ones like these where my feelings are all over the place. Ugh!!! Gotta get out and meet some people before I collapse in on myself.