Okay, posting some notes from DB coach Vernetta for what an LBS can do during an 11th hour talk with his/her WAS about postponing or recinding a D:
1. It doesn't hurt to apologize for some of the major mistakes or choices you made that hurt your WAS or helped cause the breakdown of the M. If you frame it right, it will likely benefit you. It won't necessarily cement in their minds the reasons for why they were right to walk away. In fact, if you've shown them constistent change for a decent period of time, they will recognize that you aren't that same person you are referring to anymore. The frame she said you can put it in is this:
"W/H, I've learned a lot of lessons over the course of the last X months. Looking back on our M, if I could do it all again, here is what I would do...".
Framing it in this way allows them to see what a new/future R/M with you might look like.
2. Make sure you have a buy-in for the WAS as to why they should postpone/recind the D. Ex: I tell W that I'm not ready for the D right now and would like to postpone it for now. W responds with, "Why? How would doing so benefit me?" -- what can you say at this point that will give her good cause to consider your request (what will make her really think it is a good idea)? What would be a good reason for her -- something finanical, something about the kids/family, something about health, something about you, etc? What is one important issue you can use to convince her that postponing/recinding the D is a good idea? That is what the heart of your talk stems from.
3. After creating a dialogue with the WAS about this, maybe say to them, "If there is any part of you that has any doubt about this D, can you let that part of you talk about it now?" Then just listen and validate.
4. Consider giving your WAS a letter that acknowledges and apologizes for XYZ, and explains what've you've learned through all of this. However, give it to them and then ask them to read it in front of you, so you can gauge reactions. You might get angry, sad, or both (or other). They may even stop and refer to something in the letter that makes them mad, which gives you an opportunity to say something like, "Wow. Can you tell me a little more about that?" or "I can understand how you would feel that way," etc. It opens more doors for dialogue on the important issues.
for my coach, I read through the cut and pasted list of possible things to say to my W that I recently posted, and she didn't seem to hear anything that she felt should absolutely not be said (of course at this point we were running short on time so we couldn't really break down the semantics of everything).
I didn't read her my long 2nd draft though, since I pretty much got the unanimous vote from everyone here that it had a lot of problems.
That's it for now -- kick around the above comments from my coach and tell me what you think. I'll be back to post some more later. Gonna let my brain rest on my issues for a while.
