H coming today, what do I do when he asks how I am

[25yearsmlc]

Morgan,

You are doing a lot of things the exact way you ought to be, as far as I understand this whole DB thing. Give yourself much smaller goals and you'll see it better. One goal, staying calm in your convos with h. You are. Not initiating R talk which you are also staying true to. When your h says it's all on his shoulders, well, the decision to bring a 3rd party into the M was HIS choice. You can simply say, "You've made some choices that were really hurtful to me and our M and I don't want responsibility for those choices..." As for the 180's, do NOT ask him if he likes you better now. What answer can he give that would be good? If he does say yes, so what? If he isn't ending the A what diff does it make? And if he says no, it'll hurt.

Point is, YOU like the 180's and THAT answer is the best one for him to hear anyhow. You are doing these things b/c you want to be the best you that you can be. He can't argue with that. If he says "why not earlier?" I think that is him trying to make this about you and your flaws and why YOU didn't do blah blah blah "before" he HAD to have an A to get you to change....whatever.

Each of you have to take responsiblity for your role in the M and the M's problems. You ARE and that is why you are going to be a better partner from now on, regardless of with whom...as far as your h is concerned, what changes has HE made to improve himself? Why would he? Isn't it easier to start with someone new? It's like driving your car and seeing a red light for "engine check needed" which could mean oil change needed" in your car but instead of getting the oil changed and having the problem(s) checked out, you go buy a new car instead. Then when that car needs some work, trading that one in too....never getting the tools or help needed to just keep the car they have working.

Come up with some personal goals of things like not getting angry at your h, in front of him. Mark each day of success with something. Know that he will NOT immediately change but it will probably annoy him more at first. I think my h must have tested me, subconsciously, a number of times. He was just kind of an ass and I don't know why I'm saying "kind of...." anyhow, if you ever feel like re-reading my old posts--and they go back pretty far, before his choice to go to Alaska, which I then interpreted as meaning the M was over...point being I went through a lot of dark days here. Doubt I would have believed my life would be as it is now and I am not totally sure I'm doing the right thing. But it's better than what I think my choices are now. Plus I like to think my h has learned some things. He asked me to wait before getting d10's school clothes b/c he wants to be there for that too, and said I'm "hogging" the glory or whatever. He has missed the little things but also stuff I resented being the only parent to be around for, so that's good I think. He seems to treasure the same things that used to be "time consuming" or he was too busy for. Now that 2 of the kids are out of the house, he doesn't have a lot of time to waste. He needs to be fully present for this last one or he'll have missed the most important times of HIS life, and I think maybe he is learning that the hard way.

Was2Sad really helped me see that some of the choices the WAS make are not about us OR how they feel about US...very important to tell yourself that every day. I would cry in the shower but also did some "forgiveness" excersises and letting go of the anger, or turning it over to God, etc inside the shower. Best when done right before you think the H will call. Also, I agree with the advice about limiiting your contact with your h. Let him miss you and do NOT assume that him not calling you means anything. He misses you much more than he wishes. Hence the calls during the New York calls. I had some chances to note that, and it helps. Also, I started meeting other people, including some men. Nothing big, but kind of eye opening.

As far as what your h wants and selling the house, etc, Slow down. Who cares if your h wants his own place or to live with ow? All that matters to you is what YOU want to do. It is not your problem that he lives with his mom or cannot afford two places of whatever the consequences are of his choices. you don't have to point out the consequences b/c he is figuring out that life is handing those to him anyhow. Just don't take responsibility for his choices.

I kind of hope he does live with her so he can see all her human traits, which include her flaws. They are much easier to notice when you live with them than when they are only together in patches of time. When you hate that the kids will meet her, IF that time comes, just know that it will be grosser for your H and ow. No way can she match you over time, and the awkwardness of the time together will not be your problem. Let her "enjoy" being with 3 small kids of someone else's, when it's raining outside, or they fight, or get sick and all is not well. Is she a mom? Either way it's good for you. If she is a mom, she'll feel like crap and btw, when are her kids going to be your h's "guests"? If she isn't, it'll show. THis is a sitch that you won't lose on, even if things don't end up your way. Also, as long as you remain calm, and listen to your h's comments about life in general, (not the R/M) like his friend, which you ARE and don't think for a minute that he doesn't know it, it will be noted, and missed.

I believe if you do this, in time, he'll want some sort of closeness with you. Who knows what that will lead to? maybe you'll have found someone else and your h will want back in and then, you'll have a dilemma which we'll all help you with at that time. OR maybe he'll know he can't waltz back in but will want some friendship with you and maybe you'll be able to handle it and that will benefit your kids b/c they won't have to face constant pulling from each parent, or hear the fighting, etc...

My sister's ex does know he "f----- up" when he left her, after 22 years of M. He is remarried today, as she is. He is not happy as far as I can tell, and describes his wife as "high maintenance"....my sister was definitely Not high maintenance, her ex was. Ironic. My sister is much happier in her new M, although it still saddens her that her idiot h left and the kids were hurt, as was she. Yet, even she would likely know that she is better off. Her ex did her a favor as far as I can tell. But I cannot speak for the kids, except that they don't have to witness their dad's selfishness or constant anger issues. That can't be all bad. BTW, I told my sister to consider herself lucky to have heard thoese words from her ex. Most of us never get to hear them.

My h will agree that he made some bad choices, feels bad, etc but he sure does not want to go there. He wants to "start fresh" and I guess that means I have to work on letting go of the past. Easier said than done. Like when normal things irritate him, I feel as if he has no right to complain b/c of what he put me through. There is not a lot of guidance on putting the past behind us Morgan. All I can do is take it a little at a time like, staying in the present for a week at a time...each week I am able to do that, reminds me of what we CAN have together and that itself, helps me to let go of the past a bit more. So far, that's my plan, fwiw.

You are doing better than you know. Don't expect immediate changes in your h, yet you are saying some already. You don't know it, but some of them are positive. I love that he apologized for the finger, and then got angry again. what a pendulum and he knows he's acting like a nut. Saying HE can't live like this anymore, as if it was easy for YOU....btw,there is no such thing as "giving a divorce" these days. If one party wants a D, they can get one, period. As a L, I hate telling women over 55 that, b/c they usually dont realize it. The state grants it, not the LBS. But it also means your h has no "excuse" for not filing if that is what HE wants...

Don't do his dirty work for him. As far as what you two have together, you can say, 3 beautiful people, a home, a past/vows and a future of SOME SORT no matter what happens, b/c of the 3 kids.... YOu don't have to know what YOU want b/c you don't know what he is capable of now. Committing? Wanting his cake and eating it too? who knows? But as long as the "wife isn't a shrew" anymore, how can he justify not being with the mother of his children? It'll get harder as each day of that truth, passes.

Don't tell him you hate him, if he asks. You can say you hate some of his choices but he is the father of your children and you'll always honor that. YOu expect the same from him. Similarly, your comment that you don't deserve to be spoken to that way and walking out of the room, is PERFECT. Keep it up. I think it's starting to work.
j-