no gym today after all. things got a bit wonky time-wise and I'm not feeling that great.
now for what happened. first, at swimming lessons today, my S5 lost it...supposedly about not going first for stuff, but it was to the nth degree, so not what it was about. he was not himself, I'm sure what happened yesterday affected him. it was pretty obvious daddy was mad at mommy.
H called at some point to tell me about his mom being sick, and I filled him in on what happened. not in an accusatory, you're a dick, look what you are doing to the kids way, but just giving him a heads up. he didn't say much, but appreciated that I had told him.
he came this afternoon to spend a couple of hours with the kids. no gym, as stated above, I'm not feeling well so figured I'd just lay down upstairs for a bit. first, he had a talk with me about a new job he might be taking. has the interview tomorrow, but almost sounds like a done deal. I'm worried about the repurcussions for me...its a tiny company, what will health insurance be? the money the one guy talked about sounds great, but will it really be that? will know more tomorrow. I'm sick because I think this is one step closer to her, since they won't be in the same company anymore, no problems with their relationship, company speaking anyway.
still, I wished him luck and tried to seem upbeat. then S5 came to show the toys he was gathering for the sleepover. H had to tell him that was tomorrow night, not tonight. S5 lost it...ran away and hid his face in the corner, tears streaming down it. he wouldn't talk to H, only me, finally I got him to come in my room with me and I tried to have a chat with him. finally got him calmed down and willing to spend time with H and he went to play. H asked me what was up, I told him he was just sad, it was going to happen from time to time, we just have to be there to watch and listen to him, etc, etc.
this is what pisses me off. H said he didn't think any of this was afffecting him, that he wasn't sad at all. I looked at him like he was high and said, of course he's sad, what kid wouldn't be? H said he figured kids were adapatable and figured he should be fine by this point. umm, hello???? the fact that I didn't go off on this man is amazing, in my book. I am so freaking angry right now I could spit nails. trying not to show it, trying to be upbeat and all the db things I need to be, but folks, I don't know if I can do this much longer. seriously.
what kind of an ass is he? seriously? this is all so freaking casual to him. how can he treat his kids and me this way? he's a good father, he loves his kids, at one time he loved me, and it was so special. but omg, seriously, wtf???????
this all seems so useless. all of it. all of this effort from me, when there is none from him. seriously, is it even worth it to keep at it at this point? is it?
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
