Frustrated and Saddened #2

[stewart10]

THanks again for all your posting. 2x4s are good things around here for us dumb men!

Agreed.

And I want you all to notice that I finally figured out the quote box. There is no stopping me now.

[Heimlich]

Quote box mastery, a 2x4 upside the head, and detaching. Your W doesn't stand a chance.
BD

[stewart10]

Another positive, I think. I had mentioned in one of my earlier posts in the last week or so about our trip to Baltimore to see Yanks-O's this weekend. We have had this planned prior to the issues that have arisen. I was hesitant to ask her about it, out of fear that she would not want to go and feel pressure from me. Well, she asked me tonight when we would be leaving and what the plans were for Friday night. Happy that she is looking forward to the weekend. Another positive for me, much better than the weekend. Rather small, but still a big deal for me. I get to spend some time with her this weekend. That always makes me happy.

[Atlas]

stewart,

i'm sorry to hear your going to a yank's game. this may be the root of your problem, she might be a boston fan. had to toss that in here, i'm really an indian's fan, but spent a year in boston and got wrapped up in all of it. funny, my business partner is a huge yank's fan, i get him boston stuff whenever i can.

that is so cool, that she came to you to ask about the trip. i talked to a friend lately who talked about smhoozing (sp?) my w back, and she suggested trying new dates, and new places. avoid the old haunts. not sure how often your making it to baltimore with her, but maybe try some new things while you are there. just a suggestion, but follow her lead for sure.

i'm pulling for you and i hope the weekend is great. go o's!

[waw1978]

Way to go Stew! Glad she is still on board with your trip. I know my H & I had a vacation (a really big one) planned for the end of next month and I am not going. Too much pressure. But this is a great sign for you. Keep up the good work.

[stewart10]

Atlas:

Yes, it is true, I am a Yankees fan. So far this year, it hasn't been a great experience, but things seem to be looking up as of late. This will be our first trip to Baltimore. We live in NY so it is about 3 1/2 hours. I am just happy to spend some time with her.

WAW:

Things are improving a bit, but I don't want to get my hopes up too high. Last weekend showed me how quickly things can take a turn back the other way, so I will just be happy that I have the good times when I do, but I will try not to get too encouraged during these times.

[Bakit Ngayon Pa]

Well, got the expected left hook this weekend. She stayed at her friends' house last night. Came home today at 5:00. Then went back out with the same friend at 8:30 and she texts me few minutes ago saying that she is on her way to her friends' house and will call me in 20 minutes. Again, she does not tell me that she is going to be staying there so I have been waiting for her to come home all night. I have been able to get some sleep, but not much.

Now, for some venting.... At what point does this become too unfair, too much for me to handle. She is out doing whatever she wants, whenever she wants and I don't say anything to her about it. It just seems like she is taking advantage of my willingness to work things out. I am starting to feel like a doormat and I don't like it at all. I don't know if she is testing me, but I suspect that she likes her new found freedom without any accountability and things won't be going back to the way they were. I think it may be time to set some boundaries. Anybody out there have any ideas on setting some boundaries with a WAW?

Hi,

Newbie here but have similar situation as yours. I hope that I might be able to shed some light on your sitch. I know exactly how your feel when you say you're like a doormat. My W goes out too late at night up until 2-3 am. Not to bars or clubs (as far as I know) but only to the beach/pier. This happens about 2x a week. Some weeks it's more depending on whether she's stressed or whatnot. At first (when our problems started) she goes out more than 2x but after some time I had to put my foot down. Hence we agreed to only 2x a week plus maybe one Saturday (maybe).

IMO the newfound power (and control) that my W has over me is overwhelming and intoxicating. She knows that she can do whatever it is she wants at that moment without fear for the outcome because she has this "hold" on me. I had to step in and cut the cord.

It might be different for your situation because your W might just up and leave if she feels threatened in any way. It hurts for this to be done to you (or to all of us) and I wish there was an easier way to make it stop but sometimes you just have to put your foot down.

If you feel like being a doormat is too much just reverse the trend. Go out and have a good time. Make sure you tell her where you're going and what time you'll be home and stick to your word.

Good luck. Hang in there.

[stewart10]

BNP:

Thanks for the kind words and the advice. It is clear that at this point, the best thing for me to do is to begin to detach. I need to start living for myself, rather than doing everything to try and please her. I think this may be one of those easier said than done things, but it has to start sometime.

[stewart10]

Nothing major to report. She has stayed at home all week. Expecting that to change tonight. I also asked her if she wanted to leave for Baltimore tomorrow night after she gets off work, or early Saturday morning. She said that she wasn't sure, and it almost seemed like she wasn't sure if she wanted to go. We will have to get a hotel for Friday night if we leave then so I kind of need to know. I just asked her to think about it and let me know. I will leave it at that.

I don't know how to interpret the separation issue. She tells me at the beginning of July that she wants to move out and get her own place, but that she would be staying with a friend to start. She leaves for one day, and the next night she is back home. She spends most nights at home, with the occasional night at her friends house mixed in. And believe me, I am not complaining that she is staying at home, just having a hard time understanding her behavior. Has anyone had similar situations when the WAS says they are leaving? Should I be expecting this to continue? Or is she just trying to get used to being away?

[waw1978]

Hey Stew

I know this is confusing. Saying one thing, doing another. If you are enjoying having her at home I would just keep moving along and not question it.

I have ask does she have the finances available to get her own place and move? Is this part of the holdup?

If not, if she is financially able to move but hasn't I can only infer that maybe she is having second thoughts or has changed her mind completely.

Of course, she could be testing the waters, but a random night here and there at the friends house doesn't give me that impression.