Separated from WAW

[Willing NJ H]

DLT1,

To answer the question you left on my blog, no. I don't believe in setting dates for deadlines. I feel that it will put too much pressure on the WAS, and force them to make a decision that you don't want. Other DBers have reinforced this, because when they have tried to force decisions or set deadlines, they got the answer they didn't want.

Some suggestions on your last post:

C was 7:30 and she was to schedule the follow up (both to go to that one). I texted her at 10 asking what she thought and thanks for going. Have not heard back. Another day of waiting and hope she calls tonight. I want to call, but fighting the urge to pressue and pursue.

It's great that she's willing to see the C (mine is not.) Is the C a solutions based C? Anyway, it would be a good idea to leave her alone about her sessions with the C. Don't text her, call her, etc. Let her have space, and let her come to you if she wants to. The more you contact her, she's going to feel like your being pushy and controling. This will push her farther away, and will defeat any progress you make. Keep fighting the urge to call or to pressure, good job. No matter what you do, don't brake the DBing "rules" if you will. "Act as if", by acting as if your life is fine and you are happy with yourself. I'm not saying to bounce around in front of her, making her think your happier without her, but don't be an emotional wreck that's chasing her like a helpless puppy. Work on getting a life that doesn't involve her and will improve you. Exercise, make contact with friends and relatives that you've been neglecting, etc. My friends were able to tell me ways that I acted poorly, but they never told me about because they thought it was ok with my W. Don't do the things that caused probelms in your R the same as you did before, but don't become a hobbit that sits and waits for her to come to you either.

I really hope the next C directs us to work on things together. I'm very frustrated being apart, chaging things in my life, but she does not see them. When we are talking, should I talk about my changes? Seems like that is not the right away, she needs to see action, but can't b/c we're apart. Ugh!

It's good to keep your hopes alive, but be very patient! We are all very frustrated, sad, mad, etc. Everyone on here is running a marathon of emotions, the key is to keep her from seeing it. Don't let her see you break down! Act like a confident, content and humble man with her around. When you get down the road, home, wherever she can't see; cry, have a fit, whatever. Don't be a mess in front of her. Many DBers have asked me, are you attractive to her right now? Would you be attracted to someone if they were a blubbering and whining mess, who felt sorry for themselves and kept nagging you?

Don't worry about talking about your changes right now. Actions sepak louder than words. If you read posts by people like GINA, you'll see that the WAS isn't going to believe your changes right away, even when they are seeing them. They may think the changes won't last and wait to see. Make your changes for you, and she'll see them when you do interact. Don't forget, you not pressuring her and allowing her space is a change. It shows her that you care enough to respect her wants, and is a start to a new beginning. My personl rule, is do not initiate any coversations that are about our R and don't say things that could cause pressure. There are DBers on here who having been DBing for several years. They live in separate houses and are divorced, but some of them have even recovered from those situations. The rule of thumb (from what i've been hearing from very experienced DBers), is that this can easily take at least one month for every year of your relationship. It's not set in stone, but this isn't until after you start really DBing, and is if you don't casue/have any set-backs. Remember, DBing isn't a 100% that it will fix your M. It is intended to ensure that you know you did everything you could to fix it. If your M doesn't make it, you'll be more secure with yourself and it will be easier to move on. (We all hope that is not the case, but this is a long process and we all forget that; especilly me!)

We are supposed to have another 'date' Friday, my suggestion at the end of Sunday. I'm thinking of dinner at this restaurant on the lake that she likes. Not sure if that is too romantic? Would also like to go to movie, but that's a long time of no talk or action.

Be very careful with the dates. Don't ask for them right now, let her make this call. As far as the one you have planned, play it by ear and see how it goes. Let her call the shots, and do a lot of listening. Don't bring up your R, talk about lighter things that won't bring up emotion or discomfort. Don't do anyhting romantic like bringing flowers or a gift. Treat it as dinner with a friend for now, and just have a good time. If things seem uncomfotrable or drawn out, or if she doesn't suggest doing something else, be the one who calls it a night. Don't just dangle by a thread until she cuts you lose, let her know you had a good time and politely go on about your way. Again, you have to play it by ear, but don't do anything that could cause pressure. If your about to say something and feel that you probably shouldn't, DON'T! Use what you've learned on here, and don't let your emotions get the best of you.

You getting the idea of this, but you really need to read the success stories and posts from other DBers. It will keep you from making the same mistakes as others, and give you advice from other WAS's. The other plus to it, is that when you posts on other people's blogs, they tend to read your blog and give you advice. Good luck, and keep your head up.