I don't know about being "more demanding" in the way of maybe being kind of a jerk about stuff. Being a challenge is one thing, but when you've been married for x number of years, the challenge is no longer there. I think that's part of the problem in some, no a lot, of marriages. We get bored, we don't put the effort into making it spicy, exciting, etc. anymore. It takes effort or you just get into a rut w/ the same sh*t, different day stuff.
I still truly believe you need to get to a place where you will be ok either way it goes. If you don't want to continue living the way you are, you are going to have to talk to her about it and tell her that. You don't have to be a jerk & give an ultimatum or anything right at first, but you need to let her know that you aren't happy living the way you are. Like I've said before, she's happy living the way you guys are, so why change? Or maybe she's not and she's scared to talk to you. That's not a marriage.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Ok, but don't play this surgery thing up too much either!!! Not being mean, just honest. What I mean is don't put everything out on the table NOW because you are having surgery and *something may happen.* She needs to want to work this out b/c she wants to work it out.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Theo: I just think that his W is sitting pretty right now and has absolutely NO REASON to do anything as far as changing anything from the way they are living right now.
I really think he needs to decide if he can live indefinitely like this or not. She is happy as a clam right now. She is married, but is not being expected to act like a W. I understand the no R talk theory, but when one person has no reason to change and has not indicated whether they want to or will ever and the other person is now seemingly along for the ride (as I feel Husband kind of is), somebody needs to make some sort of move to move things forward.
They have had no talks of anything except for W saying she doesn't want a divorce, but she doesn't know what she wants. In essence, he is allowing her to just drift along in a marriage that is not a marriage and she has no reason to change that.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Didn’t mean it that way. I am not playing the hurt puppy. You kept telling me that I need to come to the point that I need to accept what ever happens happens. I think I am there. This book "journey" really has me thinking. I am just reading it now but plan on reading it again and doing the exercises in it later. When I said that I needed to be more demanding maybe that was too strong of a word. Maybe "take charge" might be better. I used to always "ask" for a kiss before bed. (Before detaching). That is not what I wanted to do I wanted a kiss. So now it will be more like just go kiss her or say “give me a kiss". When I talked about being a "jerk" I didn't mean treat her like sh@t. But things like not ALWAYS going out of my way to make things easier for her. Putting off my pleasures so she won't be hassled. I don't want to go back to the way we were. I somehow lost myself the last 10 years. I am finding myself again. I was too submissive. Even the area of sex. I would suggest something diferant, she would say no and I would leave it at that. For instants PICTURES she always said no but........ You know the rest of the story. I always let her have her way. I might have painted something blue because I like blue she would say it looks better green I would repaint it green. Wait I like blue. I can see how she gets bored. I was a step ford husband. I did everything. For her and didn't think about what I wanted. I was independent before we met but I changed. I am not going to do anything drastic until after I re read this book. (I’m not even through it once yet) and do the exercises. I feel the balance of power is changing. I think she may feel it too. She needs to decide what she wants because I know what I want. Funny but when we do have our talk I am going to tell her that I finely understand the phrase I LOVE YOU BUT I AM NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU.
Funny thing this morning checking my e-mail I had mail from my OP, you and another female here. NO EA’s but is was nice being the center of attention.
WELL I'M BACK
Husband
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
I totally understand the "losing yourself" bit. I think that's the basis of DB'ing is getting *US* *OURSELVES* back and then we will be ok no matter what happens and be a better person for it and most likely our spouse will like it better too -- that's who they fell in love w/ after all. Back before we all got married, we could have lived w/o spouse, but after awhile, that's not necessarily the case anymore.
Don't turn into a Don Juan now, Sir
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Uhhh...why do you want to have a relationship talk after surgery?
And please don't read a letter to her.
It sounds too serious.
Regarding your "bad-boy" theory. I'll send you an e-book that will encourage this.
The idea is that alpha male, leading, confident, playful, bad-boy behavior will push her attraction buttons.
I'll email it to you. He also has a helpful newsletter.
--Theoden
Hey Theo,
Was typing while you were posting. I agree with both of you. My W is sitting pretty now. I DON"T want to force a decision but I do need to give her a little nudge. And Cades there is a "bad boy" theory. NOT the A$$ hole theory. People used to not dare me to do things because I would do them. I met her and she was all upper class and I was a farm boy. I cleaned up my act to her upper class level but that is not why she was attracted to me. She was attracted to the farm boy who people didn’t dare. Now there is always the monkey wrench that she may have wanted to "get back" at her XBF.
Husband
Last edited by husband; 07/25/0708:13 PM.
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
I totally understand the "losing yourself" bit. I think that's the basis of DB'ing is getting *US* *OURSELVES* back and then we will be ok no matter what happens and be a better person for it and most likely our spouse will like it better too -- that's who they fell in love w/ after all. Back before we all got married, we could have lived w/o spouse, but after awhile, that's not necessarily the case anymore.
Don't turn into a Don Juan now, Sir
Hey cades,
I am not going to say my way or the highway, marriage is a compromise. Give and take. It's just that I have been giving and not taking.
Husband
Both of you remember I am on a roll right now. All could change. After all I am changing.
P.S cades, Sorry about the Mu Mu. I picture Delia like mary Ann on giligans island. Don't quite have a picture in my mind yet of yoyo and olive.
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
