It's going to be a bumpy ride

[Dom R]

If I don't cut him off, but turn into strictly booty call, I may have kept him 'pure' sexually, but demeaned myself in the meantime as he goes out and does his thing without me.

There's an old saying, "Do you want to be right, or do you want to be married?"

I think the associated corollary is, "Do you want to have your pride intact, or do you want to be married?"


I think that you should decide what are the REALLY IMPORTANT points, that you would not stand for him crossing while living together/'dating' you... and then let him have some rope to do stupid things that are lesser than that.

Thats what "detatching" is about. Not about shutting off your feelings about him and the marriage... but about disassociating yourself from hurt, when he does things that hurt you.

That's the DB way anyways, from what I can gather from reading the books, i think.


ie: no-cross line might be: going to some woman's home/motel and screwing her.

Less than that: going to bars, flirting, chatting up women.
Sucks, but you choose to not go ballistic over it, becuase he hasnt cross the line that is truely critical.

Two reasons for this:
1. it stops your relationship from being in a constant state of battle

2. it lets him have a taste of his "freedom", and hopefully an idea that no, the grass isnt really so greener out there.
[This means, unfortunately, that you have to keep your at-home interactions with him as close to 100% positive as you can, so that when he compares the two of you, you will come out favourably. PMI and all that]


I think this is a temporary situation. If your marriage gets stronger, then I dont think you should put up with the bar-hopping thing. But while he's in the "should I stay or go" situation, i think you should be more thickskinned, until he decides whether to actually committ to putting effort into your relationship.

If he does decide, then it would be time to point out that going to bars to hit on women, is counterproductive to "working on your relationship".


last thing to say: dont forget "act as if".
Synopsis of that chapter:
Do NOT act on, or make decisions based on, "well, he MIGHT do the bad thing". Act as if he might do the good thing.
Then, he might.

but if you act as if he's going to do the bad thing.. he usually will.