I am back into a pit of sorts, but it is a shallow pit and the lip is within reach. My fear is that the lip will crumble when I grab hold, but I know that staying within the pit is not acceptable.
The expected down cycle is here, but I know that it is of my own making. I have been gone from home for two weeks, and mostly in locations with poor cell phone and internet coverage. My wife being the type of person that withdraws when there is space, I expected this to happen. In the few messenger convos we have had, all of my attempts at sexual teasing that were met and returned in force just a short time ago, have been met with "the kids are cranky and I haven't slept" or "ok, that's nice." LOL So my task is to rebuild the intimacy that was broken due to distance. Sometimes I wish my W were the type that would sit at home thinking dirty thoughts about me the whole time I am gone, but I intuitively know that that can lead to excessive neediness, which can kill attraction just as surely as withdrawal.
She did make one good comment though. She said that when I get home it is "my turn to take care of the kids while she runs off." While it would have been easy to see that as a guilt trip, I read that as her remembering that there is life outside the kids, something that I have been hoping she will realize. So I told her that she should pick a day and something to do, and I'll cancel my work stuff and stay home. She responded by saying she would rather I do the honey-do list, to which I responded "that too."
I can see how her being alone at home with 3 kids can disturb that most troubling spot for women, feeling secure. I can see more clearly now the pattern our R has laid out. When she feels most secure, she is horny. When she feels that I am either not capable or not willing (whether that is true or not), she withdraws. Having her family nearby gives her a safe haven to withdraw to. I don't want to interfere with that, but I do want her ship to prefer my harbor.
It would be easy for me to go right now into "but you are MARRIED to me, you are supposed to want me" mode, and feel cheated that I am the one having to fight to make our R strong, but in the end such thoughts are pointless. Life is rarely happy by accident, someone has to be the one to plan and work. I do hope that as the kids age she will find her womanhood and search me out more actively. Until then ...
As for today, try to put out of my mind the rampant sexuality she showed the last few times I saw her. That only leads to feelings of entitlement. Instead, remember how I got there and keep doing what needs to be done regardless of the tests she throws at me. After all, she just wants to know that she is secure, that I won't bail on her if she is cranky.
Enough rambling, be well all, Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
