Limboland part 4

[bookpusher]

I have been reading but not posting...just busy, working and driving DD around. She works until late and I haven't been going to bed till close to midnight only to get up at around 5:30 am to go to my work. I got really exhausted and consequencely, emotionally down. I tried to really vilify H and hate H. Finally, I snapped and I hope it came together. H is H. Not bad totally, not good totally. Just a very hurt person right now. I can deal with a hurt person (or not deal as in H's case <g>) and not a person who I really need (wanted but not needed) in my life. His bday is coming up and I want to send him a card. It just feels right. A generic card with just a message "wishing you well and hoping you find your happiness. Bkpusher". Should I add "The door is always open if you want to know anything"? (definitely different words - help!) or not?

It has been over 1 1/2 years since he left and, as everyone says, you go through a lot and eventually get to a place where you are ok. I haven't totally reach it but it is sight. Thinking back over our M. I can see lots of good trips, not as much laughter as I would have liked and a lot of distance where I should have spoken up and didn't such as the day my mother died in 2003. H took me to a concert that night. I don't remember him ever asking if I was up to a concert or how I was doing. He just went and took me. I remember sitting there thinking "my mother's dead, should I be here but what would I be doing at home. It is ok to be here". Dumb! I should have been with my dad or anywhere else. I don't think H knew how to deal with someone else's pain and he sure doesn't know how to deal with his own or he wouldn't have run. He wasn't all ignore. When I called and told him my mom died and that I would pick up DD, he said he would pick her up! I was doing my usual "I can handle everything" and he did step up. So he isn't all bad, but not all good, like all of us and I will have ups and downs but be all right.