Be carefull on the apoligiy, If it looks like it was forgotten don't kick a sleeping dog. Let it go. If it looks like is is still bothering her just leave it at "sorry for not inviting you" It would be so easy to make a comment about the OM and you don't want to do that in the heat of the moment
Husband
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Just reading your stitch. Im sorry you think she hates you and I'm also sorry that you have to deal with this A. Some of you hear are so strong to want to stick it out and try to get your M on track. I too have been married for 16 years.. although my H didn't actually Cheat (Posted naked pic of himself on aduldfriendfinder.com... and other things similar to that.. I don't think I could take him back, actually I know I couldn't. Even as much as I would want to keep my family together, I know how much the other hurt me so, I couldn't bear it...
So I commend you. Im worn out with my H needeness...sp? While I am not getting any of my needs filled.
I hope you find peace and I hope she wakes up and realizes what she is losing.
Blessings~
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
Kinda journaling here... feel free to comment or disregard...
She cornered me this morning to talk about D. I remained noncommittal. This drove her crazy, saying there's nothing left to talk about, she wants out. She wants to know whether she should have me served, or whether we can work together (divorce vs. dissolution). I committed to nothing, telling her I need time to think. We do not have the money for either right now anyway...
I did drill down what is the main focus of her dissatisfaction. She sees me incapable of communication. While I agree that communication is something I struggle with, I have been working hard to fix this. This has been difficult because I am reluctant to bring "weighty" subjects up to her (including D). I don't want to be seen as pursuing or trying to earn points. So I guess I need to do more "deep discussion" with her. However, she sees my reluctance to talk about D (following LRT) as just another symptom of my communication problem. I need to talk to my coach about this.
Another issue: Her IC, lover, and girlfriend are all telling her that my behavior is not "a normal response to the situation." Obviously, she has not found my copy of DR (I hid it with another book's dust jacket...). She is worried that I will "snap" and hurt her. I have never hit her before, and she knows I am not a violent person. Not sure what to make of this... I told her people respond in different ways, and I think it's pretty damn sanctimonious for somebody to tell ME what MY response should be.
She did begin to cry at some point in the discussion, so I know all is not lost. She also told me that she is considering "going dark" with OM in order to hurry the D process along. Not sure what she meant by that, and I have no doubt that she is incapable of doing it anyway. She is totally infatuated with him.
I asked her if she has been reading my journal. She said "no." Then she said, gesturing to where the journal was hidden, "I didn't even know you had one." Ended up she admitted that she read it, so she knows I am trying to save our marriage and she said that I consider her on object, like a painting or something. She thinks that I am trying to cling to her. I have been doing GAL, not talking about M... not sure where she gets that conclusion. I have been giving her SO MUCH distance, NEVER asking "where have you been?" or "where are you going?"
OK, that's enough for now...thanks for reading and supporting me.
Hi Mark, That all sounds pretty typical to me. She's got a plan all mapped out in her head of how this is supposed to go, which naturally is geared in many ways towards the goals of easing her guilt and making you share the blame. I think your reactions are spot-on.
Originally Posted By: Ohio_Mark
She cornered me this morning to talk about D. I remained noncommittal. This drove her crazy, saying there's nothing left to talk about, she wants out. She wants to know whether she should have me served, or whether we can work together (divorce vs. dissolution). I committed to nothing, telling her I need time to think. We do not have the money for either right now anyway...
Drag your feet as much as you can without being confrontational. If, as I suspect, she is not as "dead set" on a D as she says to you, then she will threaten to file but won't be ready/able to pull the trigger. Remember, time and patience!!!
Originally Posted By: Ohio_Mark
I did drill down what is the main focus of her dissatisfaction. She sees me incapable of communication. While I agree that communication is something I struggle with, I have been working hard to fix this. This has been difficult because I am reluctant to bring "weighty" subjects up to her (including D). I don't want to be seen as pursuing or trying to earn points. So I guess I need to do more "deep discussion" with her. However, she sees my reluctance to talk about D (following LRT) as just another symptom of my communication problem. I need to talk to my coach about this.
There is a lot more to communication than just diving into deep, weighty issues. Work on just casual, day-to-day, "friend" communication for now. You know, ask How was your day? and really LISTEN to the answer. Validate, validate, validate.
Originally Posted By: Ohio_Mark
Another issue: Her IC, lover, and girlfriend are all telling her that my behavior is not "a normal response to the situation." Obviously, she has not found my copy of DR (I hid it with another book's dust jacket...). She is worried that I will "snap" and hurt her. I have never hit her before, and she knows I am not a violent person. Not sure what to make of this... I told her people respond in different ways, and I think it's pretty damn sanctimonious for somebody to tell ME what MY response should be.
Aren't friends wonderful? Bottom line: She doesn't know what to make of you right now. That's good - sowing seeds of doubt in her ideas of "I know what Mark will do and he can never change." Let those silly comments about you "snapping" just roll off your back - that's just alien spew, not worthy of a response. You can't talk her out of those crazy thoughts - you have to just keep demonstrating PMA, GALing, and SHOW her The New Mark until she can accept the changes as "real".
Originally Posted By: Ohio_Mark
She did begin to cry at some point in the discussion, so I know all is not lost. She also told me that she is considering "going dark" with OM in order to hurry the D process along. Not sure what she meant by that, and I have no doubt that she is incapable of doing it anyway. She is totally infatuated with him.
I asked her if she has been reading my journal. She said "no." Then she said, gesturing to where the journal was hidden, "I didn't even know you had one." Ended up she admitted that she read it, so she knows I am trying to save our marriage and she said that I consider her on object, like a painting or something. She thinks that I am trying to cling to her. I have been doing GAL, not talking about M... not sure where she gets that conclusion. I have been giving her SO MUCH distance, NEVER asking "where have you been?" or "where are you going?"
Her emotions, actions, and intentions are all over the map - to be expected. Just ride it out - don't buy into any of it, and don't react to it. Instead, keep your focus firmly on YOU. That's all you can control (or should even try to.) Hang in there!
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
just a question... what kind of mother is she to the kids? Has she ever told you why she had the A with OM? I think what your doing is great. Not asking her about her whereabouts etc. Keep her wondering... So did you say she is "still" with the OM? If she is, that is extremely cruel on her part. and Im sure this is doing a number on the kids.
Do you have friends outside of your marriage? If so, you should definately make an effort to go out with them, even if it is just for a drink or dinner. I think being with other people that care about you helps you along in the fight to save your M. My one gf is my rock a lot of the time. When I get really depressed I talk to her and she is there for me, even if its just to listen. Everybody needs someone to talk to.
She seems to me to be a very confused person. Do you think she is willing for a deep discussion with you? As far as other people making comments about how your acting.. thats a bunch of bull&*&*. Unless you've walked a mile in someone shoes, knowone can say how they would act if they were hurt by the person they loved to this degree. Didn't know they all had degrees in the area of marriage
Blessings~
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
Mark...she isn't in love with OM...I can almost promise you that...she just "thinks" she is...
Always leave the door open for her to join you...make it easy..."we're doing such and such...your welcome to join us if your not busy"
Tiredandlost...I am sorry you are dealing with this...I was where you are before and handled it all wrong...that was about 4 years before my H really went off of his rocker into full blown MLC (I look back and think that was a pre-MLC)
I also know right now that the pain you feel does make it impossible to even visualize forgiveness and a normal life with H again...I know because I felt this same way...but like you I desperately wanted to save my family...and at some point I realized that H needed saving...but on his time...I am glad I could find that compassion for him...I am glad that I couldn't really hate him (like I so many times wanted to)...I am glad that my anger didn't hold me down...and I was able to let all those aweful things go...
I hope this can encourage you to keep going...but your the only one who can make that decission...you have been cheated (if only online)...H is being a jerk...but really look beyond that and see if you can find the trigger...see if you can understand what is causing him to become this alien that you don't want...I wanted my H...but I didn't want who he was during his MLC...I can say that it does pass for most...but it does take time...a lot of it...and it isn't an easy journey at all...I have gotten more sensitive...but also a bit tougher in all of this...I have become a better person...and now H has too...I think we are going to make it after all...
She seems to me to be a very confused person. Do you think she is willing for a deep discussion with you?
Lots of good comments here. I just wanted to throw in - I would avoid deep discussions for now. Deep discussions with people suffering from temporary insanity just tend to go poorly!
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
Bottom line: She doesn't know what to make of you right now. That's good - sowing seeds of doubt in her ideas of "I know what Mark will do and he can never change." Let those silly comments about you "snapping" just roll off your back - that's just alien spew, not worthy of a response. You can't talk her out of those crazy thoughts - you have to just keep demonstrating PMA, GALing, and SHOW her The New Mark until she can accept the changes as "real".