Need advice, please

[Rob1231]

Hi Mark, That all sounds pretty typical to me. She's got a plan all mapped out in her head of how this is supposed to go, which naturally is geared in many ways towards the goals of easing her guilt and making you share the blame. I think your reactions are spot-on.

She cornered me this morning to talk about D. I remained noncommittal. This drove her crazy, saying there's nothing left to talk about, she wants out. She wants to know whether she should have me served, or whether we can work together (divorce vs. dissolution). I committed to nothing, telling her I need time to think. We do not have the money for either right now anyway...

Drag your feet as much as you can without being confrontational. If, as I suspect, she is not as "dead set" on a D as she says to you, then she will threaten to file but won't be ready/able to pull the trigger. Remember, time and patience!!!

I did drill down what is the main focus of her dissatisfaction. She sees me incapable of communication. While I agree that communication is something I struggle with, I have been working hard to fix this. This has been difficult because I am reluctant to bring "weighty" subjects up to her (including D). I don't want to be seen as pursuing or trying to earn points. So I guess I need to do more "deep discussion" with her. However, she sees my reluctance to talk about D (following LRT) as just another symptom of my communication problem. I need to talk to my coach about this.

There is a lot more to communication than just diving into deep, weighty issues. Work on just casual, day-to-day, "friend" communication for now. You know, ask How was your day? and really LISTEN to the answer. Validate, validate, validate.

Another issue: Her IC, lover, and girlfriend are all telling her that my behavior is not "a normal response to the situation." Obviously, she has not found my copy of DR (I hid it with another book's dust jacket...). She is worried that I will "snap" and hurt her. I have never hit her before, and she knows I am not a violent person. Not sure what to make of this... I told her people respond in different ways, and I think it's pretty damn sanctimonious for somebody to tell ME what MY response should be.

Aren't friends wonderful? Bottom line: She doesn't know what to make of you right now. That's good - sowing seeds of doubt in her ideas of "I know what Mark will do and he can never change." Let those silly comments about you "snapping" just roll off your back - that's just alien spew, not worthy of a response. You can't talk her out of those crazy thoughts - you have to just keep demonstrating PMA, GALing, and SHOW her The New Mark until she can accept the changes as "real".

She did begin to cry at some point in the discussion, so I know all is not lost. She also told me that she is considering "going dark" with OM in order to hurry the D process along. Not sure what she meant by that, and I have no doubt that she is incapable of doing it anyway. She is totally infatuated with him.

I asked her if she has been reading my journal. She said "no." Then she said, gesturing to where the journal was hidden, "I didn't even know you had one." Ended up she admitted that she read it, so she knows I am trying to save our marriage and she said that I consider her on object, like a painting or something. She thinks that I am trying to cling to her. I have been doing GAL, not talking about M... not sure where she gets that conclusion. I have been giving her SO MUCH distance, NEVER asking "where have you been?" or "where are you going?"

Her emotions, actions, and intentions are all over the map - to be expected. Just ride it out - don't buy into any of it, and don't react to it. Instead, keep your focus firmly on YOU. That's all you can control (or should even try to.) Hang in there!