Gone Dancin's Dilemma, 3

[NikB]

GD - silly me, I forgot to start off with - YAY for those positives. Bet it was great to hear that giggle.

Ok... since you asked... this is ONLY based on recent conversations with two WAWs, my SIL and my stepmom.. not from me personally. Also... my SIL is really, really done. I don't believe there's any way her H could get her back at this point. He could be her dream man... doesn't matter, she's DONE. My stepmom on the other hand, seems like she could turn around. My dad would have to go through some monumental efforts, but I can see her turning around. I'm also giving kind of the extreme end of the spectrum, but it's what I can imagine those two saying to me if their Hs gave them this in writing.

(if their Hs said it aloud.. they'd tune out quick, that's why I recommend keeping it short)

So that said.. from both of those viewpoints... here's what kinda jumped out at me. This will get huge if I quote the whole paragraphs but I'll quote the first part and go in order.

First, I want to apologize for filing for D in the first place. It wasn't something that I wanted, but something I did out of spite more than anything....

WAW thoughts: Why apologize? The M is failing, obviously you saw it too.

My take: It may be good to mention this BRIEFLY and then follow up with "It was an attempt to regain some control, not what I actually wanted." And if you MUST say it maybe turn the rest into positive instead of your failings. For example, "I should've shown empathy and concern for you instead of trying to take control."

Throughout our M, I consistently failed to meet your needs. I did what I thought you needed, rather than really looking at or asking you what you needed to make you happy...

WAW: Yep. Thanks for realizing it but here you go again trying to manipulate me into doing what you want. And who are you to say what married couples "should" be? And you waved it off then, why wouldn't you now?

Out of that paragraph here's probably the part I'd keep:

I took both you and our M for granted, and forced us to live a lifestyle that I thought was "right," yet neither of us truly wanted.

It acknowledges your role without overstating it, and also the fact that you acknowledge you BOTH didn't want it.

However, I've finally gotten to a place where I can own all of my mistakes, short-comings, etc, and let them go...

WAW: blood boiling, steam coming out of ears. "Gee thanks, you ruined the last 5 years [10 years, whatever years they were 'miserable' this week], sooo glad you were able to forgive yourself and let that go, jerk." (seriously.. SIL said something close to this). And now YOU are telling ME how to forgive??? Forgive ME??? For WHAT?? You were the one who screwed up our M.

My take: I totally relate to what you're saying here but I honestly wouldn't share much of it. Don't bring up her mistakes, her forgiveness, any of that... it'll just piss her off.

Something else I wanted to address was my poor attempt at unfiling for D, and what I mean by that is the fact that I didn't talk to you about it, but instead sent the request through our atty's. Talk about sincere, huh?! How could I have ever expected you to respond favorably to such a request that was made in such a way?

WAW: Yeah.. you tried to control me, it didn't work, now you're trying to control me another way. I don't care what you've "struggled" with, so have I.

My take: DO NOT ask her, try to push her, any of that if she's "100% sure" right now. Tell her maybe that you wish you had approached it directly instead of via the lawyers. Tell her what YOU would like, but don't push for an answer or ask her to see it your way. Keep it simple, like Dave suggested earlier.

I've been working really hard on myself and making changes that I know need to be made for me so I can be a better person.

WAW: About damn time. Too bad it's too late for our M.

My take: Just don't mention it... actions, not words.

going through what we've gone through for the last 8 months was the best thing that has happened to me, and not because I've lost you, but because I've found me and the kind of person I want to be.

WAW take (and also basing this on my H's reaction when I said something similar): yeah, this has sucked but it's been a good time to rediscover ourselves and what we want out of life.

My take: again based on my H... he was really touched when I said something like this. I said I hated how it happened and it was incredibly hard, but thanked him for teaching me that I had to find happiness within myself. DO NOT NOT NOT say you've "lost her." Mention losing an unhealthy M and wanting to start a new R with her with what you've learned - AT MOST - but don't say you've lost her. It makes her a posession, it plays on her guilt, and it also cements in her mind that your R is over.

I guess I say all of this so I can get it off of my chest one last time and let you know where my heart is,...

WAW: And expect me to be there for you once again, not even ask for my opinion, just listen to YOUR problems.

My take: again keep it to the simple, direct request to postpone the D. Leave the rest out.

... obviously sitches very, people vary, but hope that helps some. Also look forward to hearing what your DB coach has to say.