Cemar ask how do you "fix" the problem of his wifes uncomforted with
intimacy on another thread.

I don't have an easy answer but I can share a bit.

This is all just my point of view after being in a situation somewhat
similar to Cemar but in many ways unique as well but the central
issue of a wife with an aversion to sexual intimacy.

I think you need an understanding that your wife is adverse to having sexual
intimacy with you. Really understand it and wrap your head around it.
She doesn't like to have her head in your crotch and french kissing you
makes her feel gross, not good. Of course this is an awful feeling but
you have to deal in reality. Think about this for a while, stop and really
get it.

One of the biggest kicks in the gut is when I "got" this point. It made my
wife physically uncomfortable to have me to even touch her breasts how
could we ever have anything other than the most boring and dull sex if
I couldn't even do that. A blow job? I understood that it actually
was not going to happen because it was such an intimate act that
I understood that I was living in some fantasy land.

Actually once I understood how bad the situation really was allot of
what I was high desire for seemed so out of place with reality, that it
seemed ridiculous.

Well when I understood that there was no way I could "turn" her on
I had to give up on all the ways I used to try a "get" sex. This coincided
with reading Dr.Glovers book No More Mr Nice Guy that has been mentioned
here and Schnarch.

Understanding the reality of what was and not how I wanted things
to be motivated me to change what I could that I had contributed to
creating and sustaining a sex-starved marriage. Part of that what I
had to do was fight for what I want on one hand and on the other
was to work very hard at dealing with my own stuff.

Now the scary thing was that the relationship going down the
path to sex starved followed the about the same path as a
previous long term relationship. So I knew I had contributed
either by choosing similar women, by helping create the
situation or ????. I think the ???? was my "nice guyness".

Part of our solution was going to a professional sex-therapist and
being committed to the process with any guarantee that it would
work. We had allot of work with the therapist and I took the stance
that my wife wasn't the patient and I was all ok I wanted to take
on as much as I could but what I required from her was some
effort. I'm not going to blow smoke up your ass and tell you
it was easy, comfortable or smooth but it did work.

Unfortunately getting to the point where we both committed to work on the
relationship took a few years and involved allot of fights and a
six month separation from each other where we were both involved
with other people and heading towards divorce.

I don't have an a magic right now, except accept as much responsibility
over your own path and contributions to creating the situation you find
your self in.