Madonna/Whore Complex - Part 6

[Heywyre]

Update for all those that like to follow along with the saga ...

I was going to talk to H last night about the OW calling and set come type of ground rules - i.e. NC letter or something. We went out for supper with a friend of his (who is negative at the best of times) and he was saying he had to get going because this other guy was dropping by. Now this other guy is someone he knows through work and his wife was screwing around on him, he just found out a couple of months ago and it totally floored him. She wanted out of the marriage and didn't even want to work on things. The poor guy, I felt bad for him, as he seemed like a real hard worker and all and he was just an emotional wreck when he found out. Anyway, he said he is doing much better now but then had to add "can you imagine finding out your wife has been screwing around on you for over a year" - I just wanted to scream "I sure as hell do know how he feels, I've been living that life" - this guy has NO idea what H did to me - he would be sick if he knew (I have to admit, sometimes I feel like telling him)

So I was quiet all the way home and H knew something was up but didn't say anything. It is usually not my nature to say anything because all I get is the defensive from him and I just wasn't in the mood to deal with that. But, then I figured that he needed to know the things that set me off, so he would hopefully understand in the future. So I told him that it brought me down and he replied "I can't be responsible for what other people say" and I told him I understood that but at the same time he had to understand when we are in situations like that and something reminds me of those times, I need him to understand how it sets me back and to try and help me through it. He got a little defensive, which I anticipated

When I relayed that sitch to the ST today he asked H a bunch of questions and got a total run around from him (typical) and he said to H "even as a trained therapist, I am having trouble getting you to answer the questions, am I not being clear here?"

H was getting a little defensive and his typical avoidance self when the ST said "why are you smiling, it's like you think this is a game we're playing" - that's when H got mad and told him he wasn't playing a game but that there just wasn't an answer for some things and he was tired of going around in circles. The ST told him he was only going around in circles because he was constantly avoiding dealing with the emotions inside and the ST agreed that the hurt inside might be too deep in his subconscious to heal but it was definitely what was stopping him from connecting with me

I then brought up the OW calling and told ST that I did appreciate H telling me. ST asked H if he felt he had made it clear to her that he didn't want her to call, H said "yes" and then the ST said, well then she is harassing you. H said "well, I wouldn't call it harassing" and the ST said "well, I would. When you tell someone NOT to do something and they continue to do it, it might not be a criminal offense but it is still harassment". ST asked H if perhaps he could call her, with me there in the room, and make it VERY clear to her that he didn't want her calling - he suggested something along the lines of "my wife and I are trying to repair the damage I did and I need to have you completely out of my life so that we can move forward, so please do not call, under any circumstances ever again". I could tell H was not comfortable with that. Then I told the ST that he pretty much said that back in December to her, when I insisted he call her, just to have him phone her the very next day and apologize to her for being so rude. So the ST said, well then calling her might not be a very good idea because you have obviously given the woman the impression that there is still a chance of rekindling what you had. He asked me for a suggestion and I said "H told me if she calls 2-3 more times, he will consider changing his number" and the ST said "no, not 2-3 more times. I say if she calls even one more time, you should change your number, is that an option for you, would that be ok?" and H agreed, so if she calls even one more time he has agreed to change the number.

ST also wants us to talk about the A at least 3 times this week. He wants me to tell H about the hurt I felt when I first discovered the A. He said I need to grieve and H is not allowing me to do that and if I don't, I will be stuck in that same moment for ever. ST said it takes usually about one year to go through the grieving process, but H is hindering my healing process right now and regardless of how it makes him uncomfortable it is something that is important he do

[OG_Lou]

Good up-date HW.

I was surprised the St said the following. ST also wants us to talk about the A at least 3 times this week.

I was wondering if other situations need to be talked about 3x a week?

I was wondering if situations like Karen1's and Hairdog's would improve if talked about 3X a week.

Maybe discussing the issues, coupled with activity is what solved the NOP's problems. Maybe the HW’s need to do the sensate activities 3X a week for a while, to move forward.

I wonder if some of us posters would also benefit by bringing up our own R issues 3X a week?

the very next day and apologize to her for being so rude..
Sounds like indecission, nice guy, as in NMMNG, traits.

From the NG forum. suggestions for your H to do/consider if I was talking to him as a friend.
Start by writing down all the things your mind commits itself to doing. Just writing them down helps close the loops and takes away stress and guilt.

Break big jobs into manageable pieces. Determine the “next action required” for each activity or project, if the next action required is not clearly identified, your mind will picture the demands of the project in it’s entirety --

Nice Guys tend to make most things in life way too complicated. As a result, they end often end up doing nothing at all.

Lou

[Heywyre]

Here is a question the ST asked me yesterday that I felt could apply to a lot of the posters on here - give it some thought ...

"Why have you choosen to stay so long with someone that is so emotionally unavailable for you" - and I wasn't allowed to say "because I love him"

[Lillieperl]

"Why have you choosen to stay so long with someone that is so emotionally unavailable for you"

That IS the $64,000 question.



Hey, I'm continuing to be dazzled by your therapist. I've been in LOTS of therapy and I don't think I've ever encountered someone who tackles something head-on like that.


RE your H changing his phone number: you need to make sure that part B of that is that he cannot call her and give her the new number. Your H sounds like the type that would say, "Well, I changed my number like you wanted! You never told me I couldn't give her the new number! You're just never satisfied, are you?" You need to close every loophole.


BTW can you answer the $64,000 question? I can't...

[Martelo]

H. you have a very good therapist there I hope your husband doesn't
get more intrenched in his position if he does I'm sure that the
therapist will handle it well. As far as the $64,000 dollar question
I've been asked it, but not in exactly the same way. My answer was
because I didn't think I deserved better, I had identified with the role
of "victim" and had become comfortable in that role. Deeper than that
the style of someone being emotionally unavailable may have felt like
my father and thus familiar. Down another layer a fear of being alone
and ultimately death.

[Heywyre]

I still haven't been able to come up with any answer to that question but I am still digging. I am sure it has to do with my childhood and my parents own lack of emotionally being there for me.

Martelo - you have a good point, perhaps subconsciously I don't feel I deserve better. I know I have (on occasion) felt like the martyr, that's for sure. For what reason, I still don't have a clue

I do know that I feel one should fight for their marriage a little more than most do nowadays but to what extent? Until it destroys you?

H and I had a heated discussion this evening, ending with him walking out of the room and me not being able to finish what I started. So I wrote it down and gave it to him. I wasn't about to push my feelings down, just because of the response I might get - nope!! I am through with dealing with things that way. He is going to hear me out, verbally or in writing. He chose not to reply and just went to bed without saying a word.

[Heywyre]

Well, looks like the letter got through to him (this time) - I was still fuming when he went to work last night, usually I am in bed by the time he leaves.

He came downstairs to tell me he read my letter and that he was sorry. He said he never reached out to me because he always thought I was strong and didn't need it. I told him, no matter how strong someone is, they always need someone else. He agreed

He then told me I was so strong on the outside, where no one could see, but I was a "mush ball" inside. Then he said something that really surprised me. He said "everyone's a mush ball inside" and I said "even you?" and he said "yes" - he would NEVER have admitted to that before - hmmm, maybe there is hope yet

[FA]

There's always hope!