Well, I guess you always assume the worst, since you got the worst, right Aud!? My H used to say I should have a little faith in him ... ha, why should I, since he proved that I can't have any faith in him at all, because of his actions.
I think your H is unrealistic to expect you to trust him, and expect the best so soon after his betrayal. He has to do some work too, and should allow you some leeway. Good grief! You walked in on him and OW! I doubt I could take my H back if he had done that. You are truly a strong, forgiving person, Aud. Your H should be grateful for you, and grovelling at your feet, begging for forgiveness. But, they like to forget what they did, and make the LBS look like they are being paranoid.
As for communication ... that is a hairball for me too. I just don't know how to get through to my H, and as you know, have now given up trying for the time being. It is understandable that you will feel a certain amount of mistrust for awhile, and it's going to be difficult to hide it, and plus, your H may read into your communications to him, what he thinks is there, but maybe it's not. Does that make sense? He may be projecting his own insecurities by saying, "don't always assume the worse."
As for becoming that person with low expectations .... it will come with time, I think. I don't know what actions you can take, that you haven't already taken. You have been so awesome in how you have dealt with your sitch, that there is very little you can do differently, I think. It really is up to your H now, I think, to allay your fears and to live his life transparently, so that you can build up your trust.
As I always say, "Piecing sucks!"
I like Phoenix's analogy about the canoe.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
I put that analogy together when W and the kids and I were up camping. I've grown up around canoes and boating. When W & kids went to get in the canoe, I found myself teaching them the technique and then having to grab my tongue before I said, "kind of like in marriage". Must control the smart mouth side of me, regardless of how right it was.
Phoenix-I like the analogy too. It goes with a lot of things in life. What you said, about our spouses seeming to think that rules/standards/faithfulness apply to everyone but themselves rings true. It's something that bothers me a lot, but I have to keep reminding myself that we're all individuals with distinctly unique perspectives and I truly have no idea how the world looks to my H, and hope that someday the reality of his responsibilities hit him in a way that opens his eyes to this stumbling block. In the meantime, I'm just focusing on my own 'beam', KWIM? I don't see any other viable solution.
Ahhh, you put my feelings down exactly BeingMe. Why would I assume the worst? Gosh, it's hard to understand.
I agree that he's unrealistic in expecting me to trust him. When we reconciled in April, he said he understood that it will take a long time for me to trust him, but I don't think he's connected the reality of what that really means. I'm just now understanding that these "little" things ARE the trust issues.
When it comes down to it, I'm living on faith right now. Not necessarily faith in him, but faith that I'm doing what's right for my family. I can swallow some heartache if it is for the long-term good of my children.
I was feeling a little discouraged this afternoon, and went to an email from a former counselor who I was seeing during the affair, and found comfort in what he said:
"One of the goals in life is to feel secure. Your marriage has theatened your personal and relational security. As you work through this you can find "secure moments" where you should try to stay for the moment and enjoy that warmth and comfort. As you find yourself feeling more secure, you can offer security to others...Enjoy the good moments, endure the difficult ones, and know that this is a process."
Aud, I was going to post on your previous post but alas when I just about concluded I hit the wrong key and it all vanished. I left it at that. Somehow I just wanted to kind of "gurgle" something just because I come from 2 different angles, simultaneously.
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agree that he's unrealistic in expecting me to trust him. When we reconciled in April, he said he understood that it will take a long time for me to trust him, but I don't think he's connected the reality of what that really means. I'm just now understanding that these "little" things ARE the trust issues.
Aud, I am not sure he is EXPECTING you to trust him. At least I certainly hope not. What I think he is implying is shooting him down before he has even taken off the ground. I think being realistic is good but being cynical has a tendency to backfire. I totally understand what you are saying and you have every right to have a raised eyebrow with each word said BUT if you can spend just as much time with the leaps he has made as you do with his stumbles it might make you feel a little more surefooted.
You had in your previous post that started this discussion that you are a person of orderly measures and proper planning. The only thing you can control is yourself and how you react.(not an other persons actions or how they will react). I only wished that my life worked on my plan but strangely the things that i havent planned become the precious gift that I never could have imagined...(even though the pain and suffering) was difficult to bear at the time. Life is wired to have garbage trucks move freely in your life without a moments notice, even when you have a schedule on when they will hit, you never know the measure of impact
You have faith Aud and an immense amount of it...I have come to realize that it doesnt matter if it is blind faith or resolute...faith is a flower that will bloom with the nourishment of you...and for years to come...
You are an incredible person and I really admire how you have taken accountability and shifted you sitch from drama to problem resolution...all I ask is give your husband the chance to succeed, if he fails...know full well it is his failure not yours now... I am going to take my hobbled, congested self out of here and hope you dont take any of this as arrogant or ranting...just throwing a perspective out there...peace
Don't be so self-deprecating Whapu--your perspective is entirely valid and I really appreciate it, because I think you're right on the money.
I frequently find myself jumping from the worst-case-scenario to the best, forgetting that quite often the truth lies in the middle. I will take that and run with it today, and that brightens things a lot for me, because I was a little stuck in the quagmire of the sitch this morning.
I think I need to be a little less afraid of just asking H outright when I notice myself assuming things. My fears come from two different angles: 1-I think I'm still a little bit in the DBing mode of avoid R talk and 2-I am afraid he'll lie to me. Neither fear will protect me from reality, and both are likely to impede progress.
Yes, I dislike uncertainty in general, but I do realize that with the gift of life comes uncertainty. You're right as well in the idea that many of my most precious blessings have come in ways I least expected.
I truly do want to give H the chance to succeed. For both of us.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Just checking in...things are humming along at a leisurely pace in Aud's household.
H and I took our kiddos camping with his extended family over the weekend, and we had a really great time. As far as I know, none of the extended family has any idea we were separated for ten months, and it was a nice feeling to act as if everything's been great all along without underlying bitterness.
It was also nice to travel with him, play with him and the kids in the campground pool (I love hot springs), and just be peaceful and fun with no responsibilities beyond chasing kids and cooking.
I am worrying less and less over OW. H and I aren't talking much about anything R related--I can't think of anything to pursue at the moment. I'm just letting the days pass, enjoying my piece of happiness. I hope it continues to grow.
Aud, glad to see you doing well, hope things keep working out for you.
I now feel so awful for having post my latest tragedy. I sound like a wet blanket, when in reality my H did try pretty much most of the time to love me and fix things with me until the ow showed up, my H still has the ADHD monster in his back and feels like a nobody, and that' s why he reached to H.
I"m still in the fence, do I fight for my H or cut my losses now?
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
