Thanks Lin -- I really appreciate you laying all of that out for me!
When you filed for D the first time and mutually called it off, was he still seeing OW? If so, do you know how she reacted to this?
My W and I were high school sweethearts too, and I thought we'd be together forever. I took her and our M for granted, and just hope that the M can be saved or a new one begin post-D. D day for us is Aug 16th.
I am not sure how she reacted to my filing...or if she even knew I did...they broke things off midway through the D process so she was out of the picture as far as I know when I called it off...
I do know that he was drinking a lot and going out to Karaoke at bars...so no telling how much "flirting" was going on...
The OW mainly wanted out after they couldn't find a way to live in the same place because both had "obligations"...and I sort of killed things when I called her and let her have it...the first time I thought it was only an EA...when I found out he/she lied to me I really let go and she hung up on me...then I called and left some not so kind messages although I didn't call her anything she wasn't...OH...and it was her best friend's husband who confirmed everything for me...he said his wife would probably not be happy about it and would probably end the friendship with her...so who knows how all of this affected her life (like I really cared)...but he said pretty much after that things started to cool because she felt guilty (again, like I cared how she felt after she KNEW he was a married man with kids)
Wait until a week before final...and just ask if she would like to halt things for now...just to give you both time...what could it hurt???
Sorry to have hijacked your thread, Sandi -- I've got one more question for ImLIN (and you too, since you're a WAW and your feedback would be quite valuable):
I've currently drafted and posted a "last stand talk" to have with W, and was going to present it to her this coming Sunday (2 1/2 weeks prior to D day). Would you give me your honest 2 cents on it? Thanks a bunch (once again!).
Re: imLin....I don't think your H deserves you! Sorry, I'm being sarcastic. I admire the way you hung in there and I pray you two make it and will be extremely happy. I have said it more than once, but I have to say it again....how you have helped many of us here. The way you are so compassionate toward us WAS amazes me.
AmyC...thanks for your words of encouragement. How is your FIL?
I have been better this week. Wasn't as strong last night about the fantazing stuff...but I'm getting there. It is so hard to control the mind and the thoughts that want to pop up. I know we can't help some of the things that "pop up", but it is when we want them to linger in there that is the real problem. I had a very hard time going to sleep last night and my mind wanted to fantasize about OM. But my resolve has been much stronger this week. I have been giving my H a little "peck" of a kiss good-bye every morning and each night when I start to go to bed. We still don't share the same bed....haven't in over 20 years. He stopped staying in the same bedroom after he began to snore so badly and kept me awake. I never asked him to stop sleeping with me, but that was his decision. I missed the closenss and felt like that was the beginning of our intimacy breakdown. I have talked to him about it, but he just says that my bed is too hard, or I have use too many pillows because of my bad back....or some other reason...so I just gave up asking him. I tried to tell him that it was important to me, but.....
Anyway, he is being sweet toward me and is not pressuring me about anything. He is a kind person with a good heart. I saw him at his worst when he discovered the OM.
Lin, you mentioned that you thought your H was "insane"....that is kind of how we feel when we are in MLC.....if that is what I had. I think I really did, but hopefully mine was short term...I pray it was. I am kind of embarrased to say that at 60 I was having a MLC, but everything I read sounds like what I was feeling. Anyway, as I have said before, it is a feeling that is so hard to put into words. Your insides (emotions and physically) feels awful....almost like a disease. Your thoughts are so screwed up that you can't think like you use to.....no logic at all. You are so deceived about any OP that you may be emotionally involved with. You are depressed because you've lost time and youth and you get angry about it. It is all so crazy....that yes, we are insane! You truly do feel like you are in a thick fog and can't find your way out. The wildest thing is....I could actually feel when the fog begin to "lift". I am sure it would take a professional to explain that.
My heart goes out to you that are LBS. I am so blessed to have the man I have for a H. Just as your WAS is blessed to have you. God must surely have a special crown for you.
This board has been my therapy. I read it every night. I am trying to set very tiny baby steps for myself. Last night is the first night I have cooked supper in months! Isn't that something? My poor H would cook supper or eat a sandwich at night because I was so depressed and messed up that I didn't care if he ate anything or not. I knew he could cook as well as I could....so I wouldn't do it. I got so far behind in my ironing that his shirts were piled sky high. So, I have been ironing two shirts every morning before I left for work....and this morning I finally finished....lol. I confess all of this to you because I need to....not because you need to know. I need to give an account....call it journaling or whatever. So, baby steps work. He is patient, which is very good in my case.
I hope that I can help somebody just a little bit as much as you all have helped me. God bless.
Sandi2
Last edited by sandi2; 07/25/0704:48 PM.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Wow...Sandi...I can only imagine how good you are starting feel about yourself...I totally understand how you just seem to let things go when you are not emotionally well...depression, MLC, or whatever...so it is a wonderful step forward that you have taken the shirt pile and finally set a small goal to accomplish a great task...
I think it is great (and sure your H does too) that you cooked dinner...these are true expressions that you can give that show you are really working your way back...
Who knows...the way you are progressing you might need to consider ordering one of those beds with two different sides of firmness...because you are right about losing that intimacy 20 years ago when you started sleeping seperately...couples need that closeness...
I am very very proud of you for the baby steps (I really think they are more leaps and bounds but if you say baby steps I will go with that)you have taken...
Keep journaling...because it does help you...it reaffirms what you WANT...and helps to make it REAL to your mind...so keep posting...you are doing absolutely fantastic!!!
Well........I think I would go for it. I wouldn't mentioned things working out (or not) with OM...or the fact that you may have "moved on". Just bringing up the subject of the OM is too distracting/emotional/guilt/angry...(?)...for her. The suggestion of you possibly "moving on" almost sounds like a threat and could result in her becoming angry. So, I would stay away from those subjects all together so it doesn't "backfire" on you.
I know that I am a romantic, but I think somewhere in the back of women's minds they want to think that their men fought for them. For her to know that you tried one last time to reach out (fight)for her....tells her that you still care and that you want to be with her...and it gives her an invitation/opportunity to change her mind....if she so choses. But, I wouldn't wait till the day of signing of D......much too emotional....do it before and it gives her some time to think about what you have said to her.
Good luck!
Last edited by sandi2; 07/26/0703:20 AM.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I think you might've read my original draft on my previous thread -- didn't you just click on the link in my signature? If so, that would be my old thread and therefore old draft of the talk. Here's my link to the current draft (that has been pretty torn apart by everyone!)
