So, I confronted her on the "Poisoning of the Well". It went like this:
Me: I'd like to talk with you about the kids. Her: Let me finish up what I'm doing.
A few moments later...
Me: We had agreed that we would split 50/50 the placement, custody etc. of the kids. Her: Yes we did.
Me: The kids have said that you told them that they would spend most of the time with you. They also said that you told them I don't like your family, that I'm mean to you, that I yell at you, etc. The courts call this "Interference". If you, your friends, your family, whomever continue this behavior, I will take this to the courts.
Then the Alien Speak...
Her: You know, I can twist what they say about you, around to, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah... I didn't think you would really get your own place, blah, blah, blah, blah...
I'm worried about my kids. They are now the ones getting f**cked over in this nitemare. Just spent about an hour listening to them, hearing their concerns. They are so in the dark about what their mom has done. They really don't like the chaos that is living next door to us (wife's sisters family very dysfunctional as I've mentioned in these posts). Their mom, my wife, seems to be so deluded. I kinda am getting most always just repulsed by her. She's just such a f**ck up. Kids lock the door to keep SIL family, especially niece out of the house. They take our food, act and come and go as it's their house. Kids are concerned with those boundaries. Wife berates them for locking the door. 1 week. Freedom. Kids and I. Kid mentioned me locking mom out (Jul-Aug'06). Said mom said that I thought she was at a party and that's why I locked her out. So unfair to kid (Mom was out f**cking/around with dude). I've not said a bad word about her to kids. Wife seems to be saying to kids that divorce will make everyone "happier". I'm starting to wonder if she's just nuts. Kids saying that they have issue with SIL boyfriend and his, girlfriends, drinking, lack of responsibility etc. Same things that their mom has been doing. It feels so crushing, that they are also describing their mom's behaviors. This just f**cking sux !!! Please, thoughts?
Kids figure this stuff out pretty well. You need to always tell them the truth, follow through with what you say, be the consistent one.
If it is true that you don't like her family, you can tell the kids you don't like the way they behave. Things they have seen and recognized themselves. Tell them that you won't try to keep them from seeing their cousins if they want to, but that you would prefer if they didn't act like that.
As for what your W says about their future, perhaps you could say to your kids that mommy likes to "think out loud" sometimes. She may just be trying out ideas, so not everything she talks about is going to happen.
As for going to court, think about what the court can actually do. It cannot police your W's language on a continuing basis. Your only reason to bring up her "poisoning the well" in court, is to make sure that you keep joint custody, or to press for sole custody. So, keep records of any event or interaction that shows that she is interfering with your relationship with your children. That's a big no-no which could lead to her losing some custody, or at least keep her from gaining sole custody.
Thank all of you for your posts. You've been tremendously helpful !!! I'm starting to feel really disgusted now as I realize more and more how awfully this woman (my wife) has treated me. And our children. All the deceit, all the lies, all the omission, the attitude, the disrespect, disdain, contempt, lack of empathy etc. It's really starting to gross me the f**ck out. I'm starting to understand what you mean by her still "Wayward Wife" mentality. Her addiction. I think I'm understanding that if it's not an affair, it's alcohol, or drugs, whatever. Or all. We had passion twice since this mess. Both times after I performed at a club, she was drunk, it was secretive. Kinda like an affair. I've been f**cking played. I want to puke. This f**cking sux. Thanks again.
I'm having a day here. This is a rant/pity party/ambivalence. You are forewarned. Talked to a mutual friend of WS and I about my sitch. I kinda get bothered when I feel that people don't seem to sense the gravity of what has happened. I feel that they make excuses when they say things like "You were growing apart", "You will be better apart", etc. Those things don't make me feel good. It feels like that they don't hold the WS accountable for what has happened. I kinda would think a friend would take a 2x4 upside a WS's head. Maybe not. Ambivalence And after reading so much and so much counseling such statements kinda sound deluded, as not to "condemn" someone, to let bygones be bygones. This sounds very non-solutions oriented, very unMB, etc. That attitude seems to me, I feel, to be "unhealthy". It really bothers me. This has been the most unbelievably terrible thing I've ever lived thru. To have it trivialized like that, in my opinion, seems to be just as foggy as the WS fog. But, sometimes it makes since. But I feel it only makes sense if you negate things like, nobility, love, faithfulness, accountability, responsibility, honor, integrity, and so on and so on. All the things we're to aspire too. Why can't I just except that attitude? To be, what I understand to be, in a "Fog".
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Talked to the counselor today. I really needed that. It's the roller coaster thing. I guess I just feel very violated after this betrayal, D and so many years with this woman. Am I wrong to feel that? Am I the one that has been the f**ckup thru out this? When I DB, MB etc. I don't feel like the f**ckup. But hearing from the "world" sometimes, or my wife, I do. Maybe it's the mind games that they play? My WS nonchalant attitude just f**cking kills me. I'm feeling pretty shitty about this right now. Just a dip in the old roller coaster. Sometimes I feel like I'm doing the right things, and sometime I don't. (But mostly I do ). Tomorrow will be another day. Thoughts? Thanks guys and gals.
I am with you bro 100%...in my sit no one on her side knows the truth and the few that do, "want whats best for the WAS...just be her friend"...no one to stand in the gap !!!!... ticks me off everyday, doesn't seem right...remember meekness does not defend itself our Lord does...it is all easier said than done....praying for you bro....SorryDog
Me 47 W 42 D 20 S 18 D 13 S 11 Married 17 yrs Asked for D Mothers Day PA found out on 6/14/07 W filed D 7/3/07 D court date 9/10/07 W moved out 7/17/07
Are things better? I agree that you should always be honest and open with your kids. Don't make excuses for what she says, but acknowledge their concerns and go about your day. Document things W has said that isn't good for them to hear.
I feel the same way. The WS is the adult here, yet the kids are suffering the most. My best to you. In the end, kids always know who is faithful and honest.
Things are better as kids and I moved on and out about 3 weeks ago. They see their mom for playdates and sleepovers a couple times a week. Told the kids the truth of the matter also. Thanks. BoB
