I'm having a day here. This is a rant/pity party/ambivalence. You are forewarned. Talked to a mutual friend of WS and I about my sitch. I kinda get bothered when I feel that people don't seem to sense the gravity of what has happened. I feel that they make excuses when they say things like "You were growing apart", "You will be better apart", etc. Those things don't make me feel good. It feels like that they don't hold the WS accountable for what has happened. I kinda would think a friend would take a 2x4 upside a WS's head. Maybe not. Ambivalence And after reading so much and so much counseling such statements kinda sound deluded, as not to "condemn" someone, to let bygones be bygones. This sounds very non-solutions oriented, very unMB, etc. That attitude seems to me, I feel, to be "unhealthy". It really bothers me. This has been the most unbelievably terrible thing I've ever lived thru. To have it trivialized like that, in my opinion, seems to be just as foggy as the WS fog. But, sometimes it makes since. But I feel it only makes sense if you negate things like, nobility, love, faithfulness, accountability, responsibility, honor, integrity, and so on and so on. All the things we're to aspire too. Why can't I just except that attitude? To be, what I understand to be, in a "Fog".
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Talked to the counselor today. I really needed that. It's the roller coaster thing. I guess I just feel very violated after this betrayal, D and so many years with this woman. Am I wrong to feel that? Am I the one that has been the f**ckup thru out this? When I DB, MB etc. I don't feel like the f**ckup. But hearing from the "world" sometimes, or my wife, I do. Maybe it's the mind games that they play? My WS nonchalant attitude just f**cking kills me. I'm feeling pretty shitty about this right now. Just a dip in the old roller coaster. Sometimes I feel like I'm doing the right things, and sometime I don't. (But mostly I do ). Tomorrow will be another day. Thoughts? Thanks guys and gals.
