It's going to be a bumpy ride

[MikeinMidland2]

Can you trust him to be honest with you? Would he tell you if he had an intimate relationship with someone else?

While he is still in the house and you see him regularly, you can have some idea whether he has been with someone. If he has moved out and you haven't seen him for a week, he will have compartmentalized it and you won't have a clue.

So, no joke, if he moves out, do not have unprotected sex with him again. If he comes back, and swears he never had sex with anyone else, and you believe him, then whether he gets checked for STD's is up to you.

[MaxP]

Agent99,

What does he think if you go out and have a nice time?

Max

[Trixi]

What does he think if you go out and have a nice time?

I'm not sure I understand the question. You mean without him?

[Trixi]

Can you trust him to be honest with you? Would he tell you if he had an intimate relationship with someone else?

I think so. I haven't given him any reason to lie. I mean, he knows I would be upset, but it's not like I said that if he did, then I would never take him back.

While he is still in the house and you see him regularly, you can have some idea whether he has been with someone. If he has moved out and you haven't seen him for a week, he will have compartmentalized it and you won't have a clue.

So, no joke, if he moves out, do not have unprotected sex with him again. If he comes back, and swears he never had sex with anyone else, and you believe him, then whether he gets checked for STD's is up to you.

Thanks for that- I agree. It's a bummer, but I do agree.

[MaxP]

Yes

[Trixi]

When I go out without him (which is all I have done since he decided he was leaving) he will ask where I am going; be surprised at my answer; ask how it went the next time he sees me; and smile when I say it was fun.

He found an apartment and signed a lease yesterday. *sigh* I know that I 'knew' he was going, but somehow that made it more real. He is pretty excited.

We had a smallish relationship talk where he said that he didn't see us working out, but he'll keep an open mind. That it would be best if we could work it out; we'll just have to see how he feels once he gets out there.

He said that he "wanted to take care of [himself]"-cook his own meals, whatever-that he had gotten complacent. I said I thought we were *partners* and as such, he was earning the $ and I was taking care of his needs at home. Who complains about getting really nice home cooked meals?

He had to sign a six month lease (we had said it would be a 3 month separation) so at first I was kinda taken aback, but then I said "Well, that's okay. You don't want to make a decision until the novelty wears off and 3 months might not be long enough. Besides, you're going to have to really work to come back to me." and he says "You better stick to that."
Is this guy weird or what?

[Dom R]

If I don't cut him off, but turn into strictly booty call, I may have kept him 'pure' sexually, but demeaned myself in the meantime as he goes out and does his thing without me.

There's an old saying, "Do you want to be right, or do you want to be married?"

I think the associated corollary is, "Do you want to have your pride intact, or do you want to be married?"


I think that you should decide what are the REALLY IMPORTANT points, that you would not stand for him crossing while living together/'dating' you... and then let him have some rope to do stupid things that are lesser than that.

Thats what "detatching" is about. Not about shutting off your feelings about him and the marriage... but about disassociating yourself from hurt, when he does things that hurt you.

That's the DB way anyways, from what I can gather from reading the books, i think.


ie: no-cross line might be: going to some woman's home/motel and screwing her.

Less than that: going to bars, flirting, chatting up women.
Sucks, but you choose to not go ballistic over it, becuase he hasnt cross the line that is truely critical.

Two reasons for this:
1. it stops your relationship from being in a constant state of battle

2. it lets him have a taste of his "freedom", and hopefully an idea that no, the grass isnt really so greener out there.
[This means, unfortunately, that you have to keep your at-home interactions with him as close to 100% positive as you can, so that when he compares the two of you, you will come out favourably. PMI and all that]


I think this is a temporary situation. If your marriage gets stronger, then I dont think you should put up with the bar-hopping thing. But while he's in the "should I stay or go" situation, i think you should be more thickskinned, until he decides whether to actually committ to putting effort into your relationship.

If he does decide, then it would be time to point out that going to bars to hit on women, is counterproductive to "working on your relationship".


last thing to say: dont forget "act as if".
Synopsis of that chapter:
Do NOT act on, or make decisions based on, "well, he MIGHT do the bad thing". Act as if he might do the good thing.
Then, he might.

but if you act as if he's going to do the bad thing.. he usually will.

[Trixi]

Agreed on all points.

He does want the freedom to have sex w/others, if he wants. But says that is NOT why he is leaving. (And, honestly, I don't really see how it could be why he is leaving given the condition of our sex life.)

Additionally, looking at all these other situations (here in the forums) I should feel lucky that there is no OW. And many people out there are still fighting for their marriage even though there is amother person in the picture. And who hasn't read about a marriage that was reborn even after infedility?? So, it makes it difficult for me to draw a line in the sand, when in my heart of hearts, I don't necessarily believe it would mean "the end".

Yes, I think that the only point where I will have leverage is if he starts to move back towards me and then I can put the kibosh on bar hopping.

Aw, who knows..I might end up having so much fun going and doing my own thing that I won't want to deal with his flakiness.

He is just so different from a lot of the WAS I read about here. It scares me. It makes me think that he is so far along in the process that he has reached 'acceptance'.

[Dom R]

no way. you are better off than most people here dealing with a WAS.
for the moment, anwyays.

he's complaining about moving out, but RIGHT NOW, he's still living at home
you're still being physically intimate
you're still on pretty much "friendly" terms

Maybe you need to quit bringing up "leaving" issues, and just focus on quietly, making staying pleasant.

In other words, figuring out what he's looking for, and doing it, but WITHOUT saying things like

"what would make you stay?"
"what do you want from me????"
"look, arent I so much better now?!"

Right now, he's on the edge of leaving. he's "investigating" it. But, unless he has another woman, he still isnt fully commited to it i'm guessing.
Yeah, you had a big blowup, which pushed him from "want someone to talk me out of it", to "ok, i'm getting out of here" mode.
But, until he actually signs a lease on someplace... he coudl still mellow out and change his mind.

here's my non-professional suggestion:
Do anything and everything you can, for ONE WEEK, not to fight.
About ANYTHING.
Have zero arguments, zero blowups, zero demands... just aim for 1 week of "perfect wife", even though he is very far from a perfect husband.
That doesnt mean you have to AGREE with everything he says. just dont contradict or argue about it. Acknowlege his control over himself if you must make a reply. but no arguing.
eg:
"I'm moving out soon" => "I understand you plan to move out soon".

enjoy any "booty calls" try to make it emotionally intimate as you can, without forcing it. non-verbally invite, rather than demand, ya know?


Then, at the END of 7 days, take inventory and see where things are. Post here about how things are in 7 days, and lets see what sounds good to do then.


PS: no, you wont be able to counter anything when he "starts to move back". that will kill any progress you have made.
you gotta wait until he is FULLY COMMITTED to you again.

[Trixi]

He signed a lease on an apartment yesterday and plans to start moving on Saturday. I got a little misty and he said "What? Did you think I would chicken out?" I said no, just that him signing a lease makes it more real.

That is actually what prompted the R talk. And how he didn't think he would change his mind (about divorcing eventually) but he was open to it [changing his mind.] Even after saying that, he gave me a good swat on the rear and said I needed "spanks". (That's our flirty, play thing.) ??????? I said, "Dude, I don't get you-- you say you have to go and then wanna give me spanks???" Him "Well..I just wanted to."

Even this morning he was snuggling me. But he is absolutely dead set that he is leaving. No ifs, ands or buts and he doesn't hold out much hope that we will be reconciling.