NikkiB #18

[NikB]

OT... funny you should say that, it was actually my first thought! I guess I am hesitant. I feel like he took a few steps towards me and I'm afraid to "leap" at him, if that makes sense. I even thought about initiating something last night, but he seemed so down and distant that it felt really wrong. Some of that may just be fear of the risk on my part, too. I'll see how tonight goes and take it from there (but with your idea in mind, for sure ).

My guess about his mood - Monday is PW's softball night and I imagine he was torn between going there and being home. What I am VERY glad about is that he seemed dark and down about his decision but didn't direct it at me (and, I didn't take it personally or ASSume that I caused his mood).

I sure hope we (well.. he) can break the cycle this time around. The typical cycles have been getting shorter, but it's been:

- H pulls away from PW (sometimes due to me getting upset, sometimes due to a realization on his part that their "friendship" is unhealthy)
- PW cries, begs, pleads, pesters, and H goes through a grouchy, dark, depressed phase. Sometimes his behavior seems like "defiant teenager" and more and more it moves toward "open and honest." (my guess... as the inappropriate actions/behaviors/contact die down he doesn't "need" to lie about it, and he probably also wants and deserves credit for the positive actions).
- H breaks free and truly does limit contact to "required for work only." PW Number disappears from the phone etc.
- H becomes very sweet, loving, kind, really seems "into" our M and making it work.

... and here's where I'm hoping to break the cycle...

- PW does or says something to suck him back in. Usually either dramatic (desparately needs his help with something and no one else can save her), or so subtle it seems harmless (it's just a bunch of coworkers at happy hour, what's the big deal?).
- Contact increases.
- H becomes convinced he's made a mistake being with me, unhappy with the M, starts increasing the distance (often accompanied by lying, sneaking, etc.. cause as long as you don't admit what you did it's not wrong.. ).
- I get more and more upset, bottle it up, and finally blow up about it.
... lather, rinse, repeat.

When I look through the whole cycle I only see one small part of it that I have much influence in. I probably need to do better about addressing that one part, but really, the rest is all H. It kinda helps to see that and realize it.