Finally came up with a draft #2 for the "last stand talk." Thanks for those of you who read through it and provide opinions. The talk will hopefully take place at my house when she comes to pick up the kids in the evening on Sunday the 29th (6 days from today).
DRAFT #2
"Hey, I was wondering if I could talk to you about a few things before you leave.
As the D date gets closer, I've been doing a lot of thinking. First, I want to apologize for filing for D in the first place. It wasn't something that I wanted, but something I did out of spite more than anything. At the time I was still struggling with myself a lot -- in particular issues like my anger and my need to be in control of everything around me. I know that at the time of filing, I also made some poor choices like asking for Primary Physical custody of the kids, and also not showing support or empathy as you struggled with your vision while trying to find my atty's office to sign the papers. I should've had compassion and genuine concern for you, and it is obvious that I didn't. Again, my inability to deal with my anger clouded my better judgement and I failed to be there for you yet again, as I have failed to do many times in the past.
Throughout our M, I consistently failed to meet your needs. I did what I thought you needed, rather than really looking at or asking you what you needed to make you happy. If I wouldn't have been so selfish, I would've seen the kinds of things that you valued and that were important to you. Heck, I actually saw things that were important to you but waved them off simply because they weren't important to me. I put myself and my needs on a higher pedestal and priority, rather than try to be equals with you like married couples should be. I didn't allow us to work together, to make decisions together, to grow together, and I should've never taken on that liberty. I took both you and our M for granted, and forced us to live a lifestyle that I thought was "right," yet neither of us truly wanted. I allowed my own insecurities to steer me in wrong directions, and I'm sorry that I wasn't strong enough at the time to love and value you for you, and me for me.
These mistakes, along with many others, are all things that I'm sincerely sorry for and will always regret. However, I've finally gotten to a place where I can own all of my mistakes, short-comings, etc, and let them go. For the first time, I've come to understand what it means to forgive and to truly follow through with it. It doesn't mean to forget, because that is nearly impossible to do. What it does mean is accepting past failures, mistakes, and choices that were wrong, but understanding that these things happen and recognizing that no good can come from dwelling on them. A person can't productively move on with their future while lingering in this past. For me to be the kind of person I want to be, this is something that I've had to learn. We both made mistakes throughout our M and R, and once I was able to face my role in the breakdown and failure of our M, I actually found that it was much easier to forgive you than it was to forgive myself.
Something else I wanted to address was my poor attempt at unfiling for D, and what I mean by that is the fact that I didn't talk to you about it, but instead sent the request through our atty's. Talk about sincere, huh?! How could I have ever expected you to respond favorably to such a request that was made in such a way? You know, the fact that I filed and got this ball rolling in the first place has been something that I've struggled with for a while now. I know that this is likely something that you wanted and may still want, but it isn't something that I'm ready to follow through with at this time. If you're not 100% sure that it is something you want at this time either, then I would like to postpone it. We can still keep the mediation agreement on file, maybe even file for Legal Separation. Postponing the D doesn't mean that there are any expectations. It just means that there is more time to consider things. When I forced you to make a choice shortly after Xmas to either get back together or D, I didn't realize how much space and time you needed to sort things out in your mind and heart. I was grasping for control again, because not having any was so new to me and I didn't know how to handle it. Unfortunately, I didn't see your feelings and needs at the time as having much validity, and if I could go back I would never have forced that conversation and would've given you as much time and space as you needed. I finally understand the things I did to push you away from me and cause you to resent me. I was a horrible husband a lot of the time, and you deserved better then and deserve better now.
I've been working really hard on myself and making changes that I know need to be made for me so I can be a better person. No matter what happens between us, I will continue to make those changes and make them to stay, and will be better because of them. I've said it before and I'll say it again right now: going through what we've gone through for the last 8 months was the best thing that has happened to me, and not because I've lost you, but because I've found me and the kind of person I want to be.
I guess I say all of this so I can get it off of my chest one last time and let you know where my heart is, but also because I'm not ready to follow through with the D yet. I understand it very well may be what you want, and if so then I won't stand in your way. I just struggle with the fact that I started this D process for the wrong reasons and now can't do anything about it. Would you be willing to put the D on hold for now?"
Okay, so that's the talk, draft #2. Obviously it is considerably longer than draft #1, and I don't know how I can possibly put it all out there without memorizing it or printing it off and reading it (which I believe wouldn't seem as sincere and spontaneous -- or from the heart as much). In the event that she says no, I'm going to come up with a follow up talk that accepts that and then mentions possible reconciliation down the road post-D, if circumstances and timing lend to such a possibility.
Opinions, suggestions, constructive criticism, etc, on draft #2? Thanks for everyone's assistance in this!
