Happy Together at Long Last!!!

[SDFoundGirl]

What's up with you Jen?

Hey--I'm wondering....did you get angry with your H when he was trying? I guess some context would be good...I've been working my butt off lately to deal with LW and my feelings about last summer. Because of that, I've been pretty much in my little cave. I've explained this to H, that it's b/c I'm taking care of this issue so it's not standing between us. Anyway, now H is sooooo far up my crannies it's making me crazy. Maybe he's feeling a little afraid, but it's making me nutso. Anyway, H taped a show for me b/c I went out for a while, and when I asked him which performer he liked best, he wouldn't tell me b/c he didn't want to ruin the suspense. I wanted to rip his head off...I mean, who is he to decide for ME? I didn't yell or do any of that old stuff, just told him I wouldn't have asked the question if I didn't want to know the answer. I wish he would just focus on his own crap instead of hovering all over me...grrrr.

Thoughts?

SD

[Jen_Jam]

Well, journalling really ... nothing good nor bad to report.

H has been dishing out the ILY's. We talked of his LD ... sometimes my weight has put him off. ouch!!! But I did ask the question ....

Last pieces .... there are 2 big things wrapped up in my mind with my M crisis - smoking and losing weight.
In 2004 gave up smoking, great! By November I was really fat and hated it. I joined Weight Watchers, and really regimented my life.

This upset H, I regimented him too Silly mistake, but it did happen to co-incide with his mini MLC (he was saying things like "I don't feel I can go out like I used to" "I miss being in my 20's" (I didn't occur to him that a man of 18 can drink 10 pints, get 4 hours sleep and be OK in the morning, but a man of 36 can't .. and it's just a fact of life he wanted to rebel against... he had to come to terms with it. He thought I was holding him back, so I dropped all control and he saw his MLC for what it was, ie NOT MY FAULT). Anyway ....

So now on a subconcious level I'm thinking I can have a happy M OR I can lose weight and not smoke ... this is nuts! So I've decided now is the time to LET GO of that subconcious link ... and lose the flab. Not easy for a girl who loves her food (luckily I like exercise too, but if I wanted to eat all I want to I'd need to walk for about 10 hours a day, and I have an office job ...)

I told H I'd like to lose weight, I've found a great book about using CBT (cognitive based therapy) for it. It advocates examining your eating and exercise habits and making minor, manageable changes, monitoring the results and adjusting where you need to. Sound familiar?... yes I can DB my own body!!!!!!

H asked how he could help, I said serve me up smaller portions, don't put butter on my toast, a few other things. I suggested if he wants chocolate he brings home ones I don't like (with fruit and nuts in) and I won't feel deprived.

I have also quit my job (I have a new on starting next Monday - I have this week off). I felt I was gettin no-where in my old job, I am like most people in that I like to feel I'm achieving something, my old job was bringing me down. So roll on the new one. And this week I'm cleaning the house top to bottom - really feel like I am DOING something, rather than just letting everything build up. Cleaning therapy, if you like (and no, I am NOT available to clean other houses, before you ask LOL )

So .. to end this post yes my M is good but it isn't automatically so. The big honeymoon period - well there are honeymoon days, there are days H and I are just friends and there are days I want to wring his neck. I suppose this is normal married life.

But I fully agree love is a decision .... on my low days I could ride off into the sunset with a good looking stranger but my M is worth more than that. To keep it happy and good I need to look to myself first. All of my happiness starts within myself, this is the biggest lesson I have learned from all of this.

[Jen_Jam]

Oh ... and housework ....

I liked to keep the house tidy, this used to stress H out (another part of my "regimenting" his life, you see")

So ... I dropped the housework for ages ... not difficult ... but now it's back.

I'm keeping an eye on my weight
I'm not smoking
I'm making sure the house is clean, the bills are paid etc

I don't see anything wrong with me living my life like that. So I'm going to start my life again. H will stay with me or he won't. I'll still be living my life (btw, he is very much WITH me!!). I'm controlling what I can, dropping the rest. Sometimes I have to put some control over the joint account. It affects me. H used to see this as me getting in his way ... he has finally realised I'm only saying "maybe we shouldn't spend £4,000 on more hi-fi equipment when we have £6,000 on a credit card. Once upon a time this piece of perfect common sense would be me ruining H's life, bringing him down.

It's amazing what MLC'ers will think

But the bad times are over ... best not to dwell on them, only learn from them. I see H changing now, it's good. He's said it himself, when we discussed me losing weight, he said "I'm in a much better place now to be able to deal with it if you wanted to go on a diet". Fact is, I don't want to diet, just make small changes and gradually lose a little at a time.

But the alien that invaded my H has now left ... time to let in this new and improved H. My old M is dead, long live my new M!!

[Jeff223]

You have come so far. Remember this from 4 June 2006 in a response you posted to a post I made to you?

Unhappy in 2004 - purely being fat. When I was growing up my Dad used to tell me I should never get fat cos then no-one would love me. H never thought like this - he had no issue with me being fat, but he didn't like to see me unhappy. He is happy I feel better, but he found our life during the diet to be "too regimented". Pre diet, we used to have a lot of fun drinking cans of beer then getting a pizza or Chinese, then eating chocolates after that. We used to eat a lot of cheese too - macaroni cheese and feta cheese caneloni were our favourite meals, and I refused to cook these or let him cook them.
Why last Sept - his response was "I feel trapped". He seemed in a mini depression - "I have no enjoyment of anything in life".
Blame - I was the selfish and thoughtless one, in my mind I was unhappy with myself but I could have dealt with it a whole lot better. I told him that I had to change and our lifestyle had to change. OK, maybe that's not such a bad thing but what he heard was "our life together is making me miserable". I can be a bit of a drama queen and shout a lot, crying to get my way. I probably did some of that too.

And now:

So now on a subconcious level I'm thinking I can have a happy M OR I can lose weight and not smoke ... this is nuts! So I've decided now is the time to LET GO of that subconcious link ... and lose the flab. Not easy for a girl who loves her food (luckily I like exercise too, but if I wanted to eat all I want to I'd need to walk for about 10 hours a day, and I have an office job ...)

I told H I'd like to lose weight, I've found a great book about using CBT (cognitive based therapy) for it. It advocates examining your eating and exercise habits and making minor, manageable changes, monitoring the results and adjusting where you need to. Sound familiar?... yes I can DB my own body!!!!!!

H asked how he could help ...

Same person? I think not!

Same H? Yes, only more lucky

Yes, you have grown so, so much.

[SDFoundGirl]

You sound great, Jen. Having to separate actions for ME, because *I* need them and H's reaction to the way I did them in the past has been an issue for me, too. I realized there were things I was doing/not doing b/c of H, and in the longterm, that's just not healthy. I've put some boundaries into place, making sure H knows it's not about him, it's about me.

You sound just wonderful. And thanks for the feedback on my thread...your wisdom is always much appreciated!

SD

[Jen_Jam]

Hi jeff ... thank you for the observation ... and of course thanks to the fabulous SD too, it's been good and it continues to be good to have you along, our H's and sitches are so spookily similar at times.

Jeff.. I think H is changing too. I find myself sometimes expecting the old him and get pleasantly surprised...opps, he's home, more later

[Jen_Jam]

Right ... as I was saying, H has changed too.

SD you will relate to this cos I asked him what it was that brought him out of his mini MLC and he said "I don't know it wasn't a concious decision" GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

But I find him repeating some of the things I have said over the past couple of years ... eg "people make themselves happy", "life sometimes isn't fair" ... so it looks like it's been some kind of DB osmosis.

He's not a quitter. He said so himself. He def went through some kind of MLC or depression. He doesn't like people who give up too easily .... he believes that each problem DOES have an answer, it's just that some answers are harder to find than others.

At times I find myself reacting to the old H, at times I have to force myself to rememeber he's changed. I must say it does take a long time of consistent change to convince someone you have changed. I remember early on in my sitch I got discouraged cos H didn't accept I'd changed. Now I realise it's taken me most of this year to accept H has changed. Patience ... slow and steady wins.

So - in essence both H and I have changed and the way we interact has vastly changed. Life is good.

[SDFoundGirl]

At times I find myself reacting to the old H, at times I have to force myself to rememeber he's changed. I must say it does take a long time of consistent change to convince someone you have changed. I remember early on in my sitch I got discouraged cos H didn't accept I'd changed. Now I realise it's taken me most of this year to accept H has changed. Patience ... slow and steady wins.

Ohhhhhh.....do I get THIS. H *does* slip, but don't we all when we're learning a new habit or behavior? Didn't WE do that ourselves in this process? Yet...I still look for those slips and have been focusing on the slips rather than all the wonderful things H does differently 90% of the time.

Thanks, Jen, for posting this. EXACTLY what I needed to see this morning!

And be patient with yourself regarding H...like you want him to be with you as you occasionally slip...

SD

[ACJ]

Jen,
Although I am unlikely to be in the same position as you it is comforting to know that at least some MLCers do finally get clearer vision!

You sound great. How's the stopping smoking going?

[swashy]

Hi Jen! You sound so good hun. Head is certainly on straight. YAY!