If he was willing to take a good hard look at himself and didn't like what he saw, then he may have the internal motivation to turn things around.
Not so sure he really did that as much as when I found out what he was telling people. Mainly my kids and his family. I addressed him about it in front of them. And he was left no other choice but to man up and admit he was the one having a hard time making it.
I do believe he somewhat knows he wallowed for a year while I got on with it and that was on him not me. And I have enforced that every chance I get. Like when he tried to put it on me that he was losing his job, If I would not have left him he would have went to work. And his drinking and bar running. If I would not have left him and was waitting at home for him he would not have been doing that. Regaurdless those were his choices and part of his weak nature. Not mine. Not one good thing or sign of strength did he show in a year. While I on the other hand bucked up and got to it. And somehow and in someways he has acknowledged some of that.
But it really does not matter if he does or does not because my kids see it for what it really is. They see me as a stronger person then him. And my relationship with S16 is better then ever.
And for me I dont care if he goes to the bar all night. As long as he sleeps on the couch when he gets home. That was never my issue my issue was my kids being left alone all night. Which I have taken control to make sure does not happen. I dont care if he sqaunders money as long as the bills are paid first. Which I have taken control of to make sure does happen. His doing these things or not doing them are his choice. So though I have stepped back into being the mommy role for him in some matters I am not taking on the responsiblity for telling him what to do with his personal life again. I only care about the things that effect my kid welfare.
I am not sure if you have ever read my orginal threads. So some of this may not make alot of sense to you. And I dont really remember what they were called or how to find them again so I cannot even point you to them lol.
I read here and there through your history. I know that it's not helpful to second-guess every decision you've made along the way, so I'll wait for you to tell more of the story rather than question some of the things you did at this time. You look like you're well detached from him and found a way to take care of yourself and your family without quickly driving yourself off the deep end.
I feel sad for him. In a way, I wish you could have let him fall flat on his face... maybe that's what he's needed for the past however many years. On the other hand, there's no law that says you have to do that for him if you feel your kids needed something else from you. And he didn't have to let you come back and take over for him, and he didn't have to let himself get to that state in the first place.
At least he's back on his meds. Sometimes that goes a long way to make you see reality and give you the strength to accept it.
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
Love the new name lol. Everytime I do a home project U come to mind. Just pressure washed the house and put in a new front door. And am in the process of painting which should have been done by now but I am being pokey. Heck it should have been done before the new carpet but hell I always do things ass backwards lol.
You look like you're well detached from him and found a way to take care of yourself and your family without quickly driving yourself off the deep end.
Actually I would say I am more open to my H then I have been in more years then I can count lol.
Things that use to frustrate me. Like him bitching about his weight while he sat eatting plates full of food in front of the tv. His need to dominate and feel superior his hypocrispy even the simple fact he cannot take care of a bill. Though sad in my opinion Is who he is. And by excepting him for who he is and not expecting him to be anything other then that. Regaurdless period and excepting he is not gonna turn into this person I want him to be has made it so much easier to be in this relationship. On the odd day that he gets up and is motivated to do something I praise him so he knows I took notice. On the usual days when he sits in front of the TV all day. I just smile and go on with my day.
I can either enjoy the surprise of the odd days or wallow in the dissapointment of the normal days. I elect to do the first. I just expect him to be him and it leads to not being dissapointed in him. Keeping me in a better mind frame towards him.
I get up every day now knowing he is gonna bitch at the kids about some petty crap, That he is gonna sit in the den all day. That he is gonna feel the need to boss someone around or cut someone down. No more waking up hoping today is gonna be the day he starts being nice to everyone. That he picks up his stuff prior to yelling at the kids for not picking up theres. That he does what needs to be done around the house. I have let go of the unrealistic belief it is gonna happen and guess what without feeling the disappointment every day of the fact it did not. I am much happier with what is.
I have learned we have to balance what we have with what we want. That nothing in life does not have a price that we have to pay. We can either bitch about it or we can except that we have to pay it and be happy for what the price brings us.
So I am not really not a LD person. I am a HD person who has a sucky bed partner. So I am not a filty person but live in a filty house.(by my own standards) So I am not a person who likes drama or every day strife yet am married to a person that thrives on it. And this list could go on but.... I wanted my children back in my everyday life. The price I am paying for that gift is worth what I have gained.
but hell I always do things ass backwards lol. U2, bass ackwards? I never would have known.
Good to hear from you. I wish you had an improved M and not the bits and pieces with all of the garbage.
BB worked in the mental health field. One common problem patients had was them going off their meds. Do what you can to keep your H on the meds. Be an a$$ if you have to. It will benefit all that are around him.
So you and me, want to start a remodeling business? Just kidding.
Love the new name lol. I decided to go with D.I.Y. because I am the one that has to Do it myself. I am not counting on anyone else to do much for me. BB isn't going to do much for me unless I force the issue. I also went with the D.I.Y. because I put off doing some things that I know I am going to have to do eventually,like cook, wash dishes, work around/on the house, and work part-time while BB does her pet chores and it's her that is retired person in the family.
BB does spend a lot of time cleaning. She likes things spotless where I say fairly clean is good enough. The pets bring in a lot of dirt and we live on a dirt road.
I spent a day off of one of my meds the other day. I was running out and the doctor was on vacation and it was a "controlled substance" requiring a paper prescription and I figured I'd get by since it was the weekend.
Holy crap, I was miserable and useless that day. I don't know how they could stand me all those years before I started taking it. I don't know how I could stand myself all those years before I started taking it. All I wanted to do was curl up and hide, and even listening to a complete sentence from anyone taxed my powers of concentration.
So yeah, meds are good and going off your meds without consulting your doctor is a dumb idea.
(BTW, you may have mentioned it last year, but how'd he end up with the kids?)
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
Wow what a drastic response to one day off your meds. I have been off my celexa before when I could not afford it for a week or so and never had that type of response. H only took his for about 6 weeks in a year total. The one he is on will not help control his bi-polar without the other two. They all work in combination some how. But he is not trying to control his bi-polar only his stamina issues.
(BTW, you may have mentioned it last year, but how'd he end up with the kids?)
At the time it was a matter of I did not have the means to support them nor a place for them even myself at the time. But due to the physical abuse issues had to remove myself from this household.
Never was it my intent to leave them with him for good. Through the summer months I had the two younger ones with me a good bit. Once school started it was harder because I was in a temp living arrangement at my daughters and did not want to move them from there school.
S16 at the time had issues with me. He was not comming with me and leaving his dad alone. After I was not there to buffer his dads behavior and he saw his dad as this weak person (loser is his term) who wallowed in self pity and alcohol it changed S16s perspective of me. And allowed him to see all that I had dealt with on his/their behalf. We now have a awesome relationship. And if I were to walk tomorrow he would be right by my side.
This last year has brought alot of good to me. I learned I can do what ever I need to and I will be alright. I have learned to stop empowering H to inspire fear to control me. He may be this big and bad person physically but he is this small person mentally and understanding that allows me to understand why he feels a need to bully people through physical threats. It has also made me see he is aware that his mental capacity lacks and is why he uses hypocrispy along with blaming of others for his actions or failures to make himself feel better then others. And that he is not gonna work on his issues as long as he has the easy button of blaming everyone else and there is a scapegoat behind every bush in life.This is all who he is and I have just accepted that for what it is.
