NikkiB #18

[NikB]

Thanks all for your posts.

Ellie
Oh yeah.. some choice words, that's for sure.

It's one of the "new me" things that has kind of come out of nowhere that I don't like very much - anger, hatred, jealousy. I never had much of these in me before. I guess the anger's healthy and some jealousy's healthy too (as opposed to blind trust)... gotta figure out where the healthy ends and not so healthy begins though. The thoughts of what I wanted to say/do to that woman... not so good!!

jak
haha it's actually good the poodle hair is out. Makes her easier to spot and avoid since NO ONE else has that style anymore.

Thanks for posting. Hope to see you over here soon!! I will try to check out your thread today.

ST
Hmmm intersting goal that you thought of related to being out of town. Part of me feels like that's more of disrespecting myself and not enforcing my boundaries... hadn't thought of it the way you put it. I also don't know that they will be respected unless I DO something to make that happen. What? That's what I'm (still) struggling with. Thanks though, food for thought.

Aw thanks, glad you liked the pics. H doesn't have a myspace page. He kind of thinks of my page as "our" page I think, he tells people "we" have a myspace page sometimes. He's not much into computers though. I actually do wear mascara quite a bit, think it just doesn't show up well in the pictures.

Donna
I'm glad you're doing better. I cannot IMAGINE having to live across the street from the OW - so sorry you have to put up with that. Thanks for the kind words. I don't feel very strong at the moment, but have been trying to build that back up.

I'm planning to call the L at lunch today. Ran out of time last week and they aren't available during weekends/evenings. Sounds like it will be pretty quick though based on what I've read and what people here have said about CA laws.

So some quick journaling... Sunday and Monday night were interesting. H was very careful to tell me where he was, what he was doing, call to let me know what he was up to (and none of it was with OW/PW). Kind of like what he was doing shortly before moving back home. I always thought it was something he'd need to do for me to rebuild trust in him and was surprised that he kind of "knew" it at the time without me telling him. When I got home he was kind of distant and seemed down, but none of that weird childish attitude, acting shady, leaving holes in the "timeline," etc. Just told me what he did all night, what he had for dinner, how the day was at work, etc.

I don't think blowing up on him like I did last week is a good thing exactly, but maybe it did make an impact. Since then he's talked about a new job, seems to be backing away from OW/PW again (at least as far as I can tell), and he's being more open and honest with me. Does it take me totally losing it for it to get through his brain that yes, I'm serious about contact with her not being OK?? Is he deciding to really give "us" an honest chance for awhile, without her in the picture? I really don't know.

Of course my fear is he's doing all of this "to make you happy" or "because it's the right thing to do even though it's not what I WANT to do" - but I guess all of that is out of my hands. I AM glad to see it, but trying not to jump on it too much or get my expectations too high again.

Tonight I'm finally getting that boundaries book, getting my nails done, and waxing my car if I have time... should be a good "non-H focused" night!