You know, you challenged me with a post, WEEKS ago, and I wasn't avoiding answering you. This was the post:
Quote:
Is there anything about her personally, about her Self apart from her irrational, destructive, and hurtful behavior that you can admire or respect?
If she were to ditch the OM and return to the marriage, what about HER would you most look forward to connecting with again? Besides the fact that you want this tension to be over with, and besides the fact that you would want companionship and intimacy from her, and help with the children, and generally a nice lifestyle... what does Mrs choc as herself bring to your life that only SHE can bring? (Not saying that you couldn't find another loving partner.) What is unique, special, and lovable about her that makes you want her in your life at all?
I honestly couldn't think of anything. That realization was a big part of my decision to file for divorce. I remember going thru the pre-marriage course the Catholic Church makes you go thru before you get married, and working with our sponsorship couple, and we had to do this little workbook of exercises and stuff. One of the questions was "What is it about your fiancee that you love so much?"
And I'll never forget my answer: "Because she loves ME so much!"
Of course, I didn't know back then what "enmeshment" was, or what "co-dependency" looked like, but I can see now that I never really grew beyond just loving her to the extent she loved ME, and also loving not who she WAS, but who I WANTED HER TO BE (and thought, if I was just GOOD enough, and NICE enough, and HELPED her enough and PRAISED her enough, that she WOULD be).
