H coming today, what do I do when he asks how I am

[SallyM]

oh god, everyone, please help me. I'm a mess. truly a mess. I've been doing okay for the most part...pretty much this thread says it all. today I had therapy, which went so well. I just love my therapist. even on a day that I'm not really into it, I still end up feeling energized and refreshed, and full of hope for myself.

got home, H takes the kids to swimming on tuesday mornings and hangs out at home. I was fine, doing my thing with him...no snooping, no R talk, just peppy me. he asked if I minded if he worked at home for an hour or so (home office) and I said no problem. we chatted a little, then I took the kids outside to play and do yardwork while he worked. an hour or so later, the kids were hot and wanted to come in for a bit, so in we came. I cleaned up and then went downstairs (where his office is) to do some laundry.

this is where things went bad. He stopped me as I was leaving and asked if we could talk. I said of course. he asked what was going on with us. I asked what he meant. he asked why I was so normal on the phone lately and such. I thought for a moment, then told him, I still want to save our marriage, but at the same time, I found myself becoming someone I didn't like, some one I didn't recognize...he asked what that meant...I said I was moping/wallowing/angry all the time, and that isn't me, and I don't want it to become me, so no more. I was clear I wanted to save our M, but also that I needed to live my life.

He started to say, how can we save our M, what was I doing to save it. then he cut me off when I started to say that I was more than happy to try to work on it when he was ready to. he said I really confused him lately with my attitude change and he even talked to his therapist about it. He started saying how he can't live like this anymore (at his moms) and what was I going to do about it, essentially. I asked what did he want to do about it, he had no ideas, and complained that the brunt of everything is on his shoulders. I knew I shouldn't, but I reminded him that I had offered to get the house on the market so we could get it sold and we could both get small places, then he would have his own place. this, of course, is not what he wants...he wants to move in with OW, but has never said that straight out. he snorted like this wasn't an option.

then he said, how can we save our M when there isn't anything here anymore. I said there is for me, I still love him. He went off on me...really enraged, asked me wtf it was going to take for me not to be in love with him anymore. He was yelling at me, this is all my fault stuff. I froze. literally. I had been so calm up until now, even though inside I was panicking. now I froze, then said calmly, "I don't deserve to be talked to this way," and turned around and went upstairs.

immediately burst into tears, grabbed the phone and ran upstairs. tried to call my friend (the therapist) but she wasn't home. I cried for a minute, dried my tears, then walked downstairs with more laundry.

I didn't say anything as I walked past him to the laundry room. He said he was sorry. I said okay, but nothing more. He repeated that he was sorry, I said okay, again...not in an angry/resentful way, but more of an accepting your apology way. that is big for me since normally I would brush aside the even need to apologize and try to make him feel better.

we talked for a few minutes. then I went back upstairs. he followed and jumped on my computer to try to print something. then suddenly he was going off on me again...about how I'm doing all these 180s (lol, but not really, still funny he used the word) and wtf was up with me, and that I have been doing nothing for 3 years and suddenly I'm off to NYC, I'm doing this that and the other, I'm happier than he's seen me in a while, etc. I told him calmly that I didn't like how I had been and was changing these things. I also noted that part of how i had been was the fact that my kids had been very young...they still are, but not like they have been. 3 is a much different age than 2. I stayed calm and such, he did not. then he said goodbye to the
kids and left.

as he was walking past our front window, he turned and gave me the finger and mouthed FU. He didn't realize I was standing there and saw it. I went outside and asked why he did that...I was calm, but asked what I did, why did he do that? He started to deny it, then started really yelling. came in and started in again about how all of this is my fault...all of it.

he is just sooo angry at me. I don't know why. I guess I do know why, he has his own guilt and channels it to me so he doesn't have to deal with it. but while I know I don't deserve it, it hurts like hell that he sees me this way, that he sees us this way, and that he treats me this way.

folks, I'm losing it here. I don't know if I did okay or what. I don't think there is anything I could have done differently...what do you think? is there anything i'm missing here. I'm sorry this is so long, I tried to condense it.

please help me. I don't know what I've done wrong. I don't know what else to do. I don't know how to fix this. I don't know how to make my husband stop hating me. and I'm so scared tomorrow will bring the day that he asks me for the divorce.

omg. I can't stop crying.