Frustrated and Saddened #2

[Heimlich]

Stew,

Mentally, I was where you are now months ago. I'll echo WAW, don't set any boundaries, you'll push your W away. I kept pushing my W with the R talks, IT DOESN'T WORK. Don't do it. WAW is right, no one is making you sit at home. Go out. You want to get your W's attention, plan something without her on a night she expects you to be home. Go see a movie, play, go to a bookstore, whatever. Just start living your life again. To be blunt, you're going to have to anyway at some point. You may as well start now. She might come back, she might not. Always staying at home, waiting for her, probably isn't making you very attractive to her right now either. It's a reminder of all those bad things us LBH's do -- cry, beg, plead, talk, cling. Be yourself. Be independent until your W wants to be interdependent with you again.

Hang in there, man, I'm pulling for you.

BD

[stewart10]

Hi Limbo and WAW

I prefaced my "too much" paragraph with the fact that I was venting. I am no where near a point where I think I need to give up and move on. The reward of being back in a loving and committed relationship with my W is too much to pass up on. As far as knowing that she is not cheating on me, that is a problem with my situation. I don't know for sure that she is not. I don't accuse her of doing it, I have asked her in the past (several months ago when all of this started), and she denied it. I just see signs here and there that makes me think that she is.

As far as setting boundaries, I think that I have to set some sort of boundaries. I think that it is fair that I know in advance if she is or is not going to be sleeping at home. I don't mind (well, I wouldn't go that far... I can deal with) her being out when she tells me up front that she is not coming home. What upsets me is when she doesn't tell me that she will be staying out, says something like call you in a while to talk and then I don't hear from her again until 4:30 am. I only would ask that if she tells me she will call, that she follow through and actually do it. And also that if she is going to be staying out, that she tell me before she leaves, or if she doesn't know at that time, that she tell me before 4:30 am.

I think I may start to make my own plans without checking with her. Maybe if we put the shoe on the other foot for a while she can see how it feels. But, she is pretty spiteful right now, so I doubt it will have any effect other than to come back and bite me.

Dustin, I am sorry you are struggling with the same situation. I will check in on your thread.

[Heimlich]

Maybe if we put the shoe on the other foot for a while she can see how it feels

Make plans, but don't do what she's doing -- which is being childish and disrespectful of your rightful feelings of concern for her by not calling you. Let her know that you're going out and about when you'll be back. Tell her it's so she won't worry if she gets home and you're not there. Leave it at that.

As for asking her to let you know she's safe, eesh, I don't know what the answer is to that. Seems like the standard DB answer would be that's going to be seen as an attempt by WAW to control the situation and push her away. To me, it seems like a rational request to someone you love to let you know that they're OK. WAW, any insight on that one?

BD

[waw1978]

Asking that your W call if she is not coming home shouldn't be viewed as controlling. Its just courtesy. The two of you still live together. Heck I used to call my old roomate just to give her a heads up.

Although calling her if she doesn't arrive home when you expect her would be considered "controlling". I know you probably have had this convo before but if you can gently remind her that you would like a call if she is not coming home or this whole thing could be remedied by just assuming if she is going out that she will not be home...that way you can be pleasantly surprised if she does. Same with the calling...just throw the expectation out the window and be happy when and if it happens. Even if she says she will call. Yes its inconsiderate on her part but you have no control over her behavior.

[stewart10]

Nothing breaking to report, although she did ask me Sunday night for the name of the IC that I went to see a few weeks ago. I gave it to her. I am not sure if she called him yet, but I hope this means she is coming around to going to see someone, and not just hinting that she would. She slept at home last night also. Another positive. She also said this morning that she would be sleeping at home again tonight. So, with the request for info on the IC and being home last night and possibly tonight, things seem to be getting a bit better. Could only go up from the weekend.

[waw1978]

Glad to hear there is some positive flow for you. I will keep my fingers crossed that your W moves forward with the IC. Keep up the good work Stew!

[Not Much Left]

Very positive events. Keep it going. Dont fall back into old ways.

[Iamworththetime]

waw1978 waw1978
Member


Registered: 06/19/07
Posts: 114
Loc: Boston Hey Stew & Dustin,

I know this whole situation with M's sucks. Bottom line. No denying it. Sucks for the other person too. No one wants their M to go belly up!

Of course there will be a point where this is "too much" and you begin to feel like a doormat. Guess what? Your W's are adults. You cannot control your W's actions or feelings. You are only responsible for you actions and feelings. So if you are starting to feel like a doormat my suggestion to is get on with your life. Stop being a doormat. They are not making you sit at home and wait for them. Go do your own thing. Stop making the W's the center of your happiness. Cause you know what? Thats not going to change the W's feelings. Seriously, start making your own plans without checking in with the W's and see how they like it. This will get their attention without you saying a word. This whole boundaries thing? May cause the W's to take that final step and move out. Is this what you want? If it is...plow ahead. But don't be surprised if the moving truck is not far behind. As long as you know they are not cheating on you, any other "boundaries" will be seen as you trying to control them.

Maybe this is sounding harsh and I am sorry cause I mean this to be helpful to you both.

Not harsh at all WAW1978, in fact, after much thought I realize that I'm not in any position to set boundries. I am going to go on with my life, last night my W came into the living room and asked me if I was awake, she said " CJ (oldest D) really wants to go to your mom and dads, your mom said she could come and stay a week by herself" I said " I was going to ask you about that, I want to take the kids down there this weekend and I'll leave CJ there and bring EJ(youngest) back with me on Sunday and I wanted to ask you if that was ok", she responded in a kind of surprised way "You're off this weekend?" And I said yes, I am< she just kind of looked at me and said "Oh, okay" and then went back to her bed. I think I kind of surprised her.

[waw1978]

Good for you Dustin! You got yourself something to look forward to and surprised the W a bit. I am glad you didn't think my post was harsh. I was just trying to be as forthcoming as possible to help you LBS's out.

I hope the W takes notice to your independence

[Not Much Left]

As usual WAW, advice we can all use. If you really think about what you say, its so true. Just STOP worrying about what W is doing, you cant control it anyway and it looks SO much more attractive I would think from her (your) viewpt.

THanks again for all your posting. 2x4s are good things around here for us dumb men!

CVA