I do. Sweetie, that entire post described him projecting at you. He got caught and knows it...so he gets mad and accuses you. He's also blaming yo for his bad behaviour...because why be good since you won't trust him anyway...thus you are making him waht he is.
I don't want to buy that car and you don't have to either.
Quote:
I tell him that I don't know if I can trust him and he gets mad at me.
You doto know...you know that right now you cannot or perhaps you will not trust him.
Be firm about this...say you don't know if you can is showing him wishy-wash. If he wantst o be trusted, he MUST be trustworthy.
I think that calling him on his sh*t can sometimes be good....but not always. Caught red-handed passing you in town...tell him he was caught...without accusing him of lying. If it happens again, try not to trap him in a lie--or give hima chance tot ell the truth. You witheld information. Let him know you saw him...not in an accusing way...but hey, I just passed you, whatcha doin?
Although even better would be not to call him at all.
Do I trust Sweetheart...yes and no. More now than before. How yes and no...I believe that he will become trustworthy through being trusted. But that means my trust is not complete...thus I will not have the same let-down if it is broken.
So when he was home March-June 2006 and coming home from work late--due to a detour to visit OW at work...and things like that... I didn't say much. I didn't pretend it was or wasn't happening--and I asked my counselor whether I should bring these things up...she said no. I gave him enough rope to hang himself...but didn't use it to hang him myself.
I let him know that I knew he saw her...sometimtes he really did work late, sometimes not...and I sometimes knew which, sometimes not. I wasn't going to fret over it though...I knew it was a doomed relationship and my help would just help it last longer.
No asking about the OW. No insisting he talk to her...or not.
Insisting he not talk to her is acceptable when he comes home...but even then, he may still do it...that's how it works.
He is so VERY upset with himself right now...the projection makes that obvious. When you bring his indiscretions, it is merely adding to his guilt...making him feel even worse...no one like feeling bad, much less worse than bad...so he will lash out at you.
Quote:
I just don't get it- He doesn't see how hard this is for me? He thinks that everything can just go away , I don't get it- I am so hurt.
You are hurt because you think this is about you and are thus taking it personally. It is about him. He is stuck in his own pain...and yes, he probaboly does see how hard this is for you...but it's not about you. Do you not see how hard this is for him?
He wants the drama gone...and probably is unaware that he is the drama. But he is projecting it to you and the OW. So step out for awhile. There is no competing with the OW...she's obviously a loser...so step out and let her lose on her own. If you stay in it, you both may end up losers.
Your husband needs time and lots of space. He feels overwhelmed. HE feels he is being forced to make a choice...and right now he is unable to do that...yet he is still being pressured.
If a person is FORCED to choose...they aren't really choosing then, are they?
So step aside an watch the OW keep forcing. She won't calm down and be nice once she thinks you're out of the picture and she's won. She will get more demanding, more bitchy, more controlling.
And while you give him space...start living your life for YOU.
