I know that I am by nature an impatient person. I know this doesn't work too well when doing the DB thing, especially when the WAS is caught in the clutches of an all out MLC. I had a great bit of evidence last night that my efforts are beginning to pay off (see original thread). Now I am having a heck of a time not approaching him to test the waters. I have come up with a ton of reasons to call/text/email him this morning.
I know I can't do it. I know I can't allow myself to pursue him in any way. It is tough though. I want to invite him to play nine holes with me this evening. The kids will be with my dad and golf is something we always really enjoyed doing together. I'm going anyway, but would love to have him go too.
I guess my question to you vets in the MLC thing is: How do you know when to try to include them in fun activities and when to let them watch, uninvited from their perch of self-imposed isolationism? I don't want him to think that I don't want to be with him but I also want him to know that I don't need him around to be happy. How do you decide what is too much?
...still hanging in there!
M - 40 H - 45 (Big Time MLC - Currently House Hopping) S - 11 (w/ Asperger's Syndrome Autism) D - 5 (w/ Type 1 Diabetes) 1 Dog and 2 Cats Married 10/92, Bomb 10/06, H moved out Mother's Day 07 (Sweet huh?)
How do you know when to try to include them in fun activities and when to let them watch, uninvited from their perch of self-imposed isolationism?
There are no fast and easy answers...because this part comes down to intuition.
For now, let him say something...no inviting. As he progresses through the tunnel watch his reactions and responses. But for now...lay-off. Contact is only for something absolutely necessary.
Two good but conflicting approaches. Cinders, he does not have an OW exactly. He has a "best friend" EA (married, two kids, bi-polar, drinking problem, OH SO needy) going on that seems to have dwindled but I couldn't say because I no longer ask or pay any attention when her name is mentioned. I just act as if she is any other person he knows that I don't know that well. I am polite but disinterested. But he says it is not sexual and I have no reason not to believe him. He's been BRUTALLY honest about everything else.
I guess I just have to play it by ear. If he initiates interaction today and asks what I'm doing I'll tell him. If he says he wishes he was playing, I'll say, "Come on." Otherwise, no invite. Sound good?
...still hanging in there!
M - 40 H - 45 (Big Time MLC - Currently House Hopping) S - 11 (w/ Asperger's Syndrome Autism) D - 5 (w/ Type 1 Diabetes) 1 Dog and 2 Cats Married 10/92, Bomb 10/06, H moved out Mother's Day 07 (Sweet huh?)
This is a tough question and I don't think there is an easy answer. I also want to believe that my W is close to ready to come home. She is spiraling out of control and looks terrible. She gave me too hugs yesterday, told me I looked really good and spent about 2 hours hanging around with me when she could have been hanging around with other members of her family. However, I don't think this is enough. I am very cautious about spew. I basically get none and I want to keep it that way. Not because I don't want the spew but because I don't want to put my W in a spot where she wants to say something that will make it harder for her to come home when she is ready.
M35 W37 S9 D6 M12 yrs Know 15 yrs Bomb 1/28/07 My Sitch Failure is the opportunity to start again more intelligently - Henry Ford
Does sound like she is looking to you for comfort now. Go forward with extreme caution I would say. Hang tough!
...still hanging in there!
M - 40 H - 45 (Big Time MLC - Currently House Hopping) S - 11 (w/ Asperger's Syndrome Autism) D - 5 (w/ Type 1 Diabetes) 1 Dog and 2 Cats Married 10/92, Bomb 10/06, H moved out Mother's Day 07 (Sweet huh?)
I guess we all know our Spouses best, so what works for some may not work for others.
Begining with friendship is a good place.
I don't find anything wrong with inviting him to play golf as long as you have ZERO expectations and if he declines that you do not lay guilt trips on him or act dissapointed.
Putting out breadcrumbs and acting kindly while still maintaining your boundaries is a huge balancing act, but you will get it with practice.
MLC takes time and patience and duct tape!!!
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
Yet another use for duct tape! What a great product!
...still hanging in there!
M - 40 H - 45 (Big Time MLC - Currently House Hopping) S - 11 (w/ Asperger's Syndrome Autism) D - 5 (w/ Type 1 Diabetes) 1 Dog and 2 Cats Married 10/92, Bomb 10/06, H moved out Mother's Day 07 (Sweet huh?)
Thought I would drop by. Your sitch is difficult however not lost. Your H is trying to maintain a lifeline to you. He is doing this with his E mails / Txt messages etc. During this time he has his OW ( and do not mistake this it is an OW ). He finds this new life exciting and seductive but is not sure that its what he wants long term. He will be very confused by this , probably for some time. He will be guilty and at times will try and blame you for what he is doing to ease his guilt.
Where you need to get to ( and this is a journey nothing happens overnight ) You need to detach from your H . This does not mean not caring about him but to find activities and a life for yourself that does not depend on him. ( I think you know this ). It does mean starting to cut the strings he is hanging on with , and that is not responding to his txt messages / emails unless they are about the kids or some other logistical need. Being happy when he is around , not because he is there but just because.
Even if you dont feel like it start acting like you are getting on with your life , take no interest in what he is doing who hes with.
Make any time together pleasant and enjoyable but in a way that you would be if he was not there.
Your actions will speak louder than your words. Once he feels like you are letting him go , he may just start to consider the consequences.
