Well, journalling really ... nothing good nor bad to report.

H has been dishing out the ILY's. We talked of his LD ... sometimes my weight has put him off. ouch!!! But I did ask the question ....

Last pieces .... there are 2 big things wrapped up in my mind with my M crisis - smoking and losing weight.
In 2004 gave up smoking, great! By November I was really fat and hated it. I joined Weight Watchers, and really regimented my life.

This upset H, I regimented him too \:\( Silly mistake, but it did happen to co-incide with his mini MLC (he was saying things like "I don't feel I can go out like I used to" "I miss being in my 20's" (I didn't occur to him that a man of 18 can drink 10 pints, get 4 hours sleep and be OK in the morning, but a man of 36 can't .. and it's just a fact of life he wanted to rebel against... he had to come to terms with it. He thought I was holding him back, so I dropped all control and he saw his MLC for what it was, ie NOT MY FAULT). Anyway ....

So now on a subconcious level I'm thinking I can have a happy M OR I can lose weight and not smoke ... this is nuts! So I've decided now is the time to LET GO of that subconcious link ... and lose the flab. Not easy for a girl who loves her food (luckily I like exercise too, but if I wanted to eat all I want to I'd need to walk for about 10 hours a day, and I have an office job ...)

I told H I'd like to lose weight, I've found a great book about using CBT (cognitive based therapy) for it. It advocates examining your eating and exercise habits and making minor, manageable changes, monitoring the results and adjusting where you need to. Sound familiar?... yes I can DB my own body!!!!!!

H asked how he could help, I said serve me up smaller portions, don't put butter on my toast, a few other things. I suggested if he wants chocolate he brings home ones I don't like (with fruit and nuts in) and I won't feel deprived.

I have also quit my job (I have a new on starting next Monday - I have this week off). I felt I was gettin no-where in my old job, I am like most people in that I like to feel I'm achieving something, my old job was bringing me down. So roll on the new one. And this week I'm cleaning the house top to bottom - really feel like I am DOING something, rather than just letting everything build up. Cleaning therapy, if you like (and no, I am NOT available to clean other houses, before you ask LOL \:\) )

So .. to end this post yes my M is good but it isn't automatically so. The big honeymoon period - well there are honeymoon days, there are days H and I are just friends and there are days I want to wring his neck. I suppose this is normal married life. \:\)

But I fully agree love is a decision .... on my low days I could ride off into the sunset with a good looking stranger but my M is worth more than that. To keep it happy and good I need to look to myself first. All of my happiness starts within myself, this is the biggest lesson I have learned from all of this.

Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05
Seperated Sept/Oct 05
Oct 06 - H recomitted
July 11 - I am now a WAW.