Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Cades, Can't help it I'm having a great day. Smiles are contagious. W was out shopping today, son was on the computer playing games (whets new) and I was reading. It is going to be time to write a letter soon. NOT a demanding letter... just a leter to find out where we are. My W has a hard time showing weakness. I think this is why she is so uncomfortable sitting down and talking about our sitch. I will post the letter here before I send it and I really want YOUR opinion. Cades you have been though allot. And like me you really have nodody there to turn to. The advantage I have is my W is here. (Room mate) wait if she was my room mate wouldn’t we be sleeping in the same room? I correct myself my "house mate". We are not getting farther apart. I see now that she is not one that fulfils one of my laguuges of love. It's not that she is being mean but I didn't understand and was taking it to personal. Anyway I rally respect the way you tell it like it is. Maybe I should have married that red head I went out with long ago...
Husband
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Hey, guys, feeling really low again. Not sure why. I just all of a sudden feel like "how am I to think he is going to be happy when he gets back & has been here awhile, back in the same old routine when he obviously wasn't before."
I know I have changed, but deep down, I still feel like I don't truly like myself or even know who I am anymore. I know that was a huge part of my problem all these years and what made me act the way I did to cause a lot of the problems we had.
I read another sitch over in "marital problems" where the W said she just didn't know who she was anymore. I know how she feels and maybe it happens to a lot of us. I got pregnant w/ our first boy immediately after we got married. I got out of the Air Force so that we wouldn't both be in w/ children -- or we thought at that time, a child.
After he finished tech school and we moved to our first station, I had a lot of friends, stayed at home w/ first son, etc. Then he was deployed and I realized I needed something more. I went back to work part-time at first and then full-time later. It was like the grass was always greener. I didn't like staying home, but then once we bought the new vehicle since I was working full-time and I was pretty much stuck working, I wasn't happy w/ that either. I got pregnant again, but it turned out I had a "blighted ovum" which means that there was a placenta, etc., but no actual baby. So, I didn't actually lose a baby, but we lost the idea of having another one. I think that affected me more than I ever let on. Like I've said before, I'm always the strong one. You do what you gotta do & move on.
Then when we decided to move back here, it was ok b/c H wasn't going to be deployed at all since he would be an instructor. We came back to where he had gone to tech school but it's a very small town. In fact, when we lived here the first time, I called it the "armpit of the world." My son and I would go to Wal-Mart just to get out of the house.
I ended up pregnant again w/ second son and then when he was just 2, I had third son. Like I said in my last "wah post," I guess H had consulted w/ D lawyer prior to us being surprised w/ son 3. Also, when I was on maternity leave w/ son 2, that was when he finally told me about the 2 supposedly EA's he had while deployed that first time and then the one night stand he had while deployed a different time. Later during the D sitch, he told me he actually was hoping that I would tell him to leave since my motto had always been "you cheat, you're gone," however, when there are children involved and until you are actually in the sitch, you really don't know how you are going to react.
I guess I'm just journaling. I need to just start a journal and get my feelings out. I'm afraid sometimes that the "changes" I made were really just to make him happy and I feel like a real phony. Like I said, how is it that he's going to all of a sudden be happy in our life together when he wasn't for so many years before?
I feel like I'm going to live the rest of my life living for him and always wondering if he's going to up and decide to leave again any day. When he sat me down that day and told me we needed to "go our separate ways," I honestly had no idea that that was even an option for us. I had no idea it was coming and that he was unhappy enough to just throw it all away. Then, I did all the work to make things good again while he sat back and did not a damn thing. Now he acts like nothing ever happened and he's just happy as a clam.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
D -- I honestly don't know. "Inconvenienced" would not be the word I would think of using for either of us. I'm sure he's learned *something* out of the whole sitch and I'm sure he's realizing a lot of things by being gone, however, I just wonder what's going to happen when he comes back to "real life." I don't know that he's looked at himself at all or if he ever will as far as his "issues" may be concerned. I'm afraid that he's not truly happy w/ himself either and that no one would ever be able to *make* him happy until he gets there. That could, obviously, be said about me too.
I just get to thinking sometimes, that's all. I know, bad thing, thinking is, but sometimes I just don't know how he could for so many years be so unhappy and not really communicate that to me, then all of a sudden up and decide the only way is to get a D, which I am sure was helped a lot by him having an EA at the time, and then all of a sudden deciding "no, wait a minute, I really don't want a D after all and everything's great & wonderful now."
We've never had any sort of indepth convo re: the whole sitch, and by the time he gets back and even during visits, that's going to be the last thing I want to do. Like I've said before, I don't even know what changed his mind in the end.
Husband - email is k-sampson35@hotmail.com for that book. Thanks!
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
I get what you're saying--I've felt a lot of the same emotions...for a long time I felt like H just did whatever he wanted and sat back to watch me carry the weight of all this and pick up the pieces to boot.
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I just wonder what's going to happen when he comes back to "real life." I don't know that he's looked at himself at all or if he ever will as far as his "issues" may be concerned. I'm afraid that he's not truly happy w/ himself either and that no one would ever be able to *make* him happy until he gets there. That could, obviously, be said about me too.
This is an entirely valid concern--I think the main point to recognize though is that you can't look at it and focus on it this way, always waiting for the other shoe to drop. What you focus on expands--that's why it is vital to find yourself, your joy, your peace.
Saying that it's hard to do when you're so exhausted is the understatement of the century. But you can do hard things.
